“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in.”
― Shannon L. Alder
Oh yes, I am a feisty one. I think it’s from me growing up a bit isolated and not really understanding social norms. Not to mention I was relentlessly bullied as a child in elementary and middle school. It was pretty fucking bad. So bad that I tried killing myself when I was 12 years old just to put an end to it all. I felt worthless. I would have been dead if my mother didn’t come home and found me unconscious in my bed. The paramedics had to pump my stomach. I didn’t wake up until the next day. I most have taken over 100 different prescription pills that were prescribed to my grandfather. (But this story is for another blog post.) It was really bad for me growing up. I had no friends. I mean, that is the only thing I can think of regarding why I am so defensive now. But I really don’t mean to be so tough. I may be hard on the outside, but I am soft and chewy on the inside, believe me!
I know this sounds cliché but I honestly feel like I am misunderstood. I don’t know anyone else that is misinterpreted as much as I am. I’m enigmatic, for sure. I can tell why I am hard to decipher. But I really don’t mean any harm. I have my own internal shit that I battle on a daily basis. I got my own demons dancing in my brain. Every day I am trying not to jump off the 13th floor.
There are times, when I want to be excited. I want to be happy. But something inside me stops me from smiling. Something inside of me tells me to not get so excited because I don’t want to get hurt. Because I didn’t want to look stupid at the end. It makes absolutely no sense at all. But that inner voice wins most of the time. This holiday season my grandmother came to stay with me for a month. During that month, I probably hugged her twice. I wanted to hug her, but something told me not to. So I just told myself that I would hug her before she leaved. And that day before she got on her flight, I didn’t get a chance to hug her. Now, I am thinking “what if that was my last chance to hug my grandmother?” Why didn’t I just fucking her? Why was it hard for me to show affection to my own grandmother? What was I afraid of?
You see… this is shit that goes on in my brain. When I have friends or family visit… I try not to get excited because I don’t want to go from such a high high and start feeling low. I start thinking about shit that is irrelevant. Like, what if we argue on this trip? What if this person gets mad at me? So I try to numb myself before it happens. I get stressed easily and then I shut down. If only you could live inside my mind for a day. It’s absolutely ridiculous.
What you see on the outside, usually is different from what is going on internally. While I am an emotional person, and very expressive about my emotions… There are some things that shut me down and it’s hard for me to step out of that. Yes, I am feisty. But most of the time it’s just me trying to protect myself. I am constantly having a guard up and I don’t know why, exactly. I am working on it.