I've been dodging my old coworkers for about a
year now. Shit, not even just my coworkers. I am dodging old friends, family, the guy who cleans my carpet, my old crush, even my neighbors! I
stopped posting pictures on Facebook. I’ve limited my Instagram post to scenic
views. I stopped dressing up and doing my hair. Why? Because somewhere between
wallowing in my weak depression, feeling sorry for myself, having the job from hell and dating sociopaths, I managed to stop giving a fuck about my health.
Like, I really stopped giving a fuck. Well… that’s not completely true… Here is
why... The first 15 lbs snuck up on me so I had no idea that I was in a
downward spiral. But baaaaabaaaaaay, these pictures don’t lie! And that’s how
I realized I blew up! I went to India for my friends wedding in November 2016.
When we got back to the states, her family flooded social media with pictures
of the wedding, which included pictures of me. And that’s when I saw my self
and I couldn’t believe it. I continued to avoid the scale until this summer. And let me tell you...
As Reza from Shahs of Sunset would say:
A B!TCH GAINED 33 LBS!
What. The. Fcuk.
How did I manage to gain over 30 pounds? Why? When? Where? Who? You mean to tell me I wasn't just bloated? I thought my clothes was shrinking in the dryer. Yes, I wasn't as active as before but I was walking a lot more. That's what I was telling myself. Laying a thick ass layer of the denial over that Krispy Kreme Dream.
Number one, I know I must have had some idea because I
refused to go on the scale for over a year. I knew I was over eating frequently and I stopped going to the gym regularly. Looking back, I can
pin point to when it all started. Around late fall in 2015. I think my depression,
feeling sorry for myself and bad relationships exacerbated my self neglect.
Surprisingly, things started getting better for me mid July of 2016 but I
still didn’t make the necessary changes. Fast forward to today and my thighs
are rubbing together, my face is round, about 75% of my clothes don’t fit and I
am starting to have some health issues.
I finally reached the point where I was so fed up that I started to workout and eat
right. That lasted for about two weeks, but in that short period of time I lost 7 lbs. However, I got side tracked when my relationship hit a bump in the road and my cousin died after 30 years of battling cancer. Once those two things happened, I went back to not giving a fuck anymore.
This week, I was lucky enough to get an invite to be in the studio
audience for a CNN Townhall with Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. I was excited
until I thought about the possibilities of being seen on camera. But I always loved journalism and politics so there was
no way that I was going to miss out on this opportunity to see this
broadcast live and in person. But just the thought of not going to the townhall because I didn't want to be seen helped me to realize how my weight gain was really hindering my life. Like, damn, I’m hiding out like I am wanted for
murder... like I'm hiding out from the FBI or some shit. I had to tell myself “Is it
really that bad? Yes, you gained some weight but you’re still cute tho. It's not like people never seen a fat person before. Being fat isn't the mark of the beast. Hell, half of their assess is fat too!” So, that
was enough to get me pumped for the show. To make sure I felt confident that night, I
dressed up in the nicest business casual outfit I could find (and could comfortably fit) in my closet, put on some make
up, put on my contacts and wore a cute twisted out afro.
After the tapping, I immediately get a text from my cousin who was
watching the townhall at home. Ms. MacGyver managed to spot me way in the back of the audience in the corner on her TV screen. Yeah, I was cute in the pictures. With my big
old fat cheeks, and round face. But damn… I didn't realize the extent of the damage done. And then my friends
sent me pictures that we took at the CNN studio that night, which just served as another reminder.
I know there are some people that say there is nothing wrong with being over weight. Some even say it’s extra cushion for the pushing. But not when you feel uncomfortable, lethargic and unnacttractive. Not to mention, all this
weight gain has messed up my sex drive! My hormones are out of wack causing irregular
periods and polyps in my uterine. My doctor recently diagnosed me with
Acanthosis Nigricans. (Look it up!) You would think I weighed 300 pounds the way my
body was acting... like “cease all motor functions” on some West World shit.
Enough. I’m tired of my legs scrubbing together. I am tired of
making excuses. I am tried of ducking and dodging old friends because I know
they will be thinking “she gained a lot of weight”. I want my life back. I want
to feel free. I want to wear my old, fashionable clothes that's too small for me now. I want a period that comes on
every month for five days like it used to. I want to feel sexy and get my
freak on. I want to get dressed up and feel good when I see myself in the
mirror. I want to be healthy. I want to be fit. I WANT TO BE WHO THE FUCK I WAS
BEFORE I LET MYSELF GO!!!!
Damn. That felt good. Why is typing in all caps so gratifying?
Anyway… I am aware that the weight gain was just a side of
effect to something more serious: My depression. After a long time of allowing myself
to stand under this dark cloud, I am stepping out into the sunshine. I am
writing again for the first time in almost a year. I went bike riding for the
first time in three years. I plan on going to one of my old coworkers farewell party
next week. I can’t be afraid to live my life. Furthermore, I don’t want to wait until I
loose all the weight to start socializing again. I want to be free,
sociable, active and lose weight while I am doing it. Not the other way
around. The first step is just accepting myself for how I am now and knowing
that the journey to better health will be hard, but worth it. So, if you want
to join me and get on some healthy shit, follow me on Instagram. I made a IG
just to track my health journey. It’s don’t_call_it_a_diet.
I know I am not the only one. Tell me about your weightless/health journey! I would love
to hear other inspiring stories! I will definitely need the inspiration.
