Better Prepare Ya for the C Support

Int’l Players Anthem (I Choose You)

Eeny meeny decisions, with precision I pick or

Make my selection on who I choose to be wit', girl

Don't touch my protection, I know you want it to slip

But slippin' is somethin' I don't do, tippin' for life

That's like makin' it rain every month on schedule

Let me tell you, get your parasol umbrella

'Cause it's gonna get wetter

Better prepare ya for the C support

She supposed to spend it on that baby, but we see she don't

- BIG BOI

How can you be mad at a baby mama trying to get the bag?

I am not sure how verse you are in pop-culture, so I will break down the gossip headlines: Eliza Reign, an Instagram model (whom I am not very knowledgeable about), has a child that she shares with the rapper Future. Eliza has been in the headlines recently since it was alleged that she asked for around $53K in child support. She was previously award $3,200 a month. Future, has six other children from past relationships. 

This was a hot topic on Instagram and I looked at a few comments and I found myself annoyed at some of the comments I was reading. “It don’t cost $53K to raise a child… she don’t need all that money… it don’t take that much to raise a child”. 

Here is my take: A woman has a child by a man who is wealthier than her. The child support should reflect his income. The child should not be punished for the parents not being together. So, the child should have the same resources as if he/she would have if the child lived with both parents: living in a safe community, access to a nanny, access to private schools, tutors, music lessons, traveling, health insurance, college fund, savings and more. I would question the mom if she didn’t go for the most money she could get. 

It is a piss poor excuse for a man or society to shame the mother as using the baby for a meal ticket. The man understands the consequences of having sex without a condom. If you don’t want to have a baby, you take the necessary precautions. Get your money Eliza. Make sure that baby is set for life.

When I started writing this, I thought I was going to research child support laws and add some complexity to the topic. But nah, just get your money sis. Future – invest in condoms or plan b.

The Hide Out

I've been dodging my old coworkers for about a year now. Shit, not even just my coworkers. I am dodging old friends, family, the guy who cleans my carpet, my old crush, even my neighbors! I stopped posting pictures on Facebook. I’ve limited my Instagram post to scenic views. I stopped dressing up and doing my hair. Why? Because somewhere between wallowing in my weak depression, feeling sorry for myself, having the job from hell and dating sociopaths, I managed to stop giving a fuck about my health. Like, I really stopped giving a fuck. Well… that’s not completely true… Here is why... The first 15 lbs snuck up on me so I had no idea that I was in a downward spiral. But baaaaabaaaaaay, these pictures don’t lie! And that’s how I realized I blew up! I went to India for my friends wedding in November 2016. When we got back to the states, her family flooded social media with pictures of the wedding, which included pictures of me. And that’s when I saw my self and I couldn’t believe it. I continued to avoid the scale until this summer. And let me tell you...

As Reza from Shahs of Sunset would say:
A B!TCH GAINED 33 LBS!

What. The. Fcuk. 

How did I manage to gain over 30 pounds? Why? When? Where? Who? You mean to tell me I wasn't just bloated? I thought my clothes was shrinking in the dryer. Yes, I wasn't as active as before but I was walking a lot more. That's what I was telling myself. Laying a thick ass layer of the denial over that Krispy Kreme Dream.

Number one, I know I must have had some idea because I refused to go on the scale for over a year. I knew I was over eating frequently and I stopped going to the gym regularly. Looking back, I can pin point to when it all started. Around late fall in 2015. I think my depression, feeling sorry for myself and bad relationships exacerbated my self neglect. Surprisingly, things started getting better for me mid July of 2016 but I still didn’t make the necessary changes. Fast forward to today and my thighs are rubbing together, my face is round, about 75% of my clothes don’t fit and I am starting to have some health issues.

I finally reached the point where I was so fed up  that I started to workout and eat right. That lasted for about two weeks, but in that short period of time I lost 7 lbs. However, I got side tracked when my relationship hit a bump in the road and my cousin  died after 30 years of battling cancer. Once those two things happened, I went back to not giving a fuck anymore. 

This week, I was lucky enough to get an invite to be in the studio audience for a CNN Townhall with Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. I was excited until I thought about the possibilities of being seen on camera. But I always loved journalism and politics so there was no way that I was going to miss out on this opportunity to see this broadcast live and in person. But just the thought of not going to the townhall because I didn't want to be seen helped me to realize how my weight gain was really hindering my life. Like, damn, I’m hiding out like I am wanted for murder... like I'm hiding out from the FBI or some shit. I had to tell myself “Is it really that bad? Yes, you gained some weight but you’re still cute tho. It's not like people never seen a fat person before. Being fat isn't the mark of the beast. Hell, half of their assess is fat too!” So, that was enough to get me pumped for the show. To make sure I felt confident that night, I dressed up in the nicest business casual outfit I could find (and could comfortably fit) in my closet, put on some make up, put on my contacts and wore a cute twisted out afro.

After the tapping, I immediately get a text from my cousin who was watching the townhall at home. Ms. MacGyver managed to spot me way in the back of the audience in the corner on her TV screen. Yeah, I was cute in the pictures. With my big old fat cheeks, and round face. But damn… I didn't realize the extent of the damage done. And then my friends sent me pictures that we took at the CNN studio that night, which just served as another reminder.

I know there are some people that say there is nothing wrong with being over weight. Some even say it’s extra cushion for the pushing. But not when you feel uncomfortable, lethargic and unnacttractive. Not to mention, all this weight gain has messed up my sex drive! My hormones are out of wack causing irregular periods and polyps in my uterine. My doctor recently diagnosed me with Acanthosis Nigricans. (Look it up!) You would think I weighed 300 pounds the way my body was acting... like “cease all motor functions” on some West World shit.

Enough. I’m tired of my legs scrubbing together. I am tired of making excuses. I am tried of ducking and dodging old friends because I know they will be thinking “she gained a lot of weight”. I want my life back. I want to feel free. I want to wear my old, fashionable clothes that's too small for me now. I want a period that comes on every month for five days like it used to. I want to feel sexy and get my freak on. I want to get dressed up and feel good when I see myself in the mirror. I want to be healthy. I want to be fit. I WANT TO BE WHO THE FUCK I WAS BEFORE I LET MYSELF GO!!!!

Damn. That felt good. Why is typing in all caps so gratifying?

Anyway… I am aware that the weight gain was just a side of effect to something more serious: My depression. After a long time of allowing myself to stand under this dark cloud, I am stepping out into the sunshine. I am writing again for the first time in almost a year. I went bike riding for the first time in three years. I plan on going to one of my old coworkers farewell party next week. I can’t be afraid to live my life. Furthermore, I don’t want to wait until I loose all the weight to start socializing again. I want to be free, sociable, active and lose weight while I am doing it. Not the other way around. The first step is just accepting myself for how I am now and knowing that the journey to better health will be hard, but worth it. So, if you want to join me and get on some healthy shit, follow me on Instagram. I made a IG just to track my health journey. It’s don’t_call_it_a_diet.

I know I am not the only one. Tell me about your weightless/health journey! I would love to hear other inspiring stories! I will definitely need the inspiration.

Feigned Love - Part 3

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

- Joseph Campbell

You must have expectations that you hold firm to. The last time Perturbado and I spoke, he called me and asked me out to dinner. I was perplexed because I didn’t hear from him in several days. The entire time we were "dating" he never called me just to invite me out. It was usually me asking him if he wanted to hangout. A big part of me wanted to say yes. I imagined that we would go out and he would apologize for all the things that he did and said to me. But the voice deep inside said no. The inner voice was the loudest it has ever been, and it no longer wished to be strung along. 

So I asked him “Are you inviting me out to dinner as a friend?” Hell, I wanted to know. Three nights ago he made it clear that a relationship was out of the question. So why do we need to get dinner together?

His response was "I am just inviting you out to dinner." Translations: He wanted to keep me on his string.

You see, I was tired of feeling strung along. A few days ago you told me we would never work, and now you're inviting me to dinner? Keep in mind, while we dated, I complained that he never called me and invited me out… so this is when he finally decides to do it?

Trust me, I was confused... and it was a feeling I didn’t want to endure any longer. So, I declined his invite for dinner. 

After we hung up I felt terrible. I thought I may have really hurt his feelings and that he may feel rejected by me. I wanted to call him back and tell him sorry for turning down his offer and explain to him that I was just trying to move on and going to dinner with him would just make things worse. But then I had to ask myself "why am I feeling guilty?" He did this. He created this distance. He wasn’t concerned about my feelings. He was concerned about himself. And it was about damn time I started doing the same. So I let that guilt go. I declined his invite because it was the best thing I could do for myself. I should never feel guilty about taking care of myself. And that is when I started respecting and acknowledging my needs. 

What made it hard for me to move on? The rejection. More than anything. The rejection burned through me like a freshly lit cigarette bud pressed against my beating heart. I cared so deeply for someone that discarded me so easily. I had to continuously remind myself that there is something better out there for me. If there weren’t, the Universe would've just left me to rot in an unhealthy situationship. But, the Universe didn’t. It pulled me out of that black hole. 

I would think back at all the mistakes I made with him and the mantra “You fool!” would go off repeatedly in my head. I was such the fool. An ingenuous fool. An openhearted fool. A nurturing fool. But a fool, nonetheless. I spent several weeks looking in the mirror with questions racing through my mind.  “How could you be so foolish? Why did you tolerate the way he treated you? Why did you believe his lies even when you knew he was lying to you? Why did you sleep with him? Why did you let him say that to you? Why didn’t you cut it off with him?” I was mad at myself for opening up to someone that did nothing to deserve such intimacy, care, or attention. 

Not wanting to beat myself up anymore, since I was already beat down enough, I tried to bring my head above water. So, I researched what to do and what not to do in relationships for future reference. After one failed relationship after the other, I wanted to pin down “what I was doing wrong” so I began inundating myself with relationship articles, podcasts and meditations. (I also medicated. Red wine is great for easing a heartbreak.) It didn’t take long for all of the love advice to start sounding the same. 

To fall in love you have to be (1) extraordinarily understanding and patient (2) give the best blow jobs (3) a bit cold but not too cold hearted… so pretty much a bitch but you still have to be likeable (4) confident… because being bitchy is only sexy when your confident and (5) did I mention blow jobs? (6) Blah blah blah blah blah.

It was bizarre. All this advice. All this research. All this these experts. But yet so many people are looking for love. Even those who are already spoken for seem to find themselves lonely and unfulfilled. Hell, half of these “experts” are trying to sort out their love life themselves. After all my delving, I felt like there was one main theme that could summarize it all, and that was SELF RESPECT. 

I mean, it all makes sense. Take my story for instance… my biggest regret is that I allowed him to treat me poorly. I wanted him to give me something that I had failed to give myself, which was respect. Regardless, we probably wouldn’t have lasted either way. However, I would have preferred an ending where I could have walked out with my head held high. An ending where I realized that I deserved better than what he could give me and left the situation before I was so battered and bruised. 

Self-respect is tantamount to self-love. When you want to be loved and respected, it starts by loving and respecting yourself. People aren’t always going to recognize your worth and treat you the way you should be treated. When you respect yourself, you ensure that your worth will not be overlooked. You ensure that no one batters and bruises you, only to leave you as a damaged good reducing your value. Self-respect breathes confidence, self-esteem, self-worth, self-love and more. Self-respect is the most profound way you tell others that you value yourself and that in order to have a relationship with you, they will have to value YOU too.

You can cook for a man. But that isn’t going to make him love you. You will just be the girl that cooks for him and he will come around to eat when he’s hungry. You can give a man great sex. But that isn’t going to make him love you. You will just be the girl that gives him great sex and he will come around whenever he’s horny. You bend down for him to ride your back and he will. A man will only do what you let him. And if he knows he can do whatever it is under the sun and you will still be there waiting on him, he will do exactly that… everything under the sun. 

When they know you will always be there no matter how much they hurt you, they will most certainly take you for guaranteed. Your love will be like bottled water in a USA grocery store. He knows he needs water to survive but he doesn’t cherish it because whenever he’s ready for it, he can run to the local grocery store and grab himself a bottle off the shelf.