Feigned Love - Part 3

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

- Joseph Campbell

You must have expectations that you hold firm to. The last time Perturbado and I spoke, he called me and asked me out to dinner. I was perplexed because I didn’t hear from him in several days. The entire time we were "dating" he never called me just to invite me out. It was usually me asking him if he wanted to hangout. A big part of me wanted to say yes. I imagined that we would go out and he would apologize for all the things that he did and said to me. But the voice deep inside said no. The inner voice was the loudest it has ever been, and it no longer wished to be strung along. 

So I asked him “Are you inviting me out to dinner as a friend?” Hell, I wanted to know. Three nights ago he made it clear that a relationship was out of the question. So why do we need to get dinner together?

His response was "I am just inviting you out to dinner." Translations: He wanted to keep me on his string.

You see, I was tired of feeling strung along. A few days ago you told me we would never work, and now you're inviting me to dinner? Keep in mind, while we dated, I complained that he never called me and invited me out… so this is when he finally decides to do it?

Trust me, I was confused... and it was a feeling I didn’t want to endure any longer. So, I declined his invite for dinner. 

After we hung up I felt terrible. I thought I may have really hurt his feelings and that he may feel rejected by me. I wanted to call him back and tell him sorry for turning down his offer and explain to him that I was just trying to move on and going to dinner with him would just make things worse. But then I had to ask myself "why am I feeling guilty?" He did this. He created this distance. He wasn’t concerned about my feelings. He was concerned about himself. And it was about damn time I started doing the same. So I let that guilt go. I declined his invite because it was the best thing I could do for myself. I should never feel guilty about taking care of myself. And that is when I started respecting and acknowledging my needs. 

What made it hard for me to move on? The rejection. More than anything. The rejection burned through me like a freshly lit cigarette bud pressed against my beating heart. I cared so deeply for someone that discarded me so easily. I had to continuously remind myself that there is something better out there for me. If there weren’t, the Universe would've just left me to rot in an unhealthy situationship. But, the Universe didn’t. It pulled me out of that black hole. 

I would think back at all the mistakes I made with him and the mantra “You fool!” would go off repeatedly in my head. I was such the fool. An ingenuous fool. An openhearted fool. A nurturing fool. But a fool, nonetheless. I spent several weeks looking in the mirror with questions racing through my mind.  “How could you be so foolish? Why did you tolerate the way he treated you? Why did you believe his lies even when you knew he was lying to you? Why did you sleep with him? Why did you let him say that to you? Why didn’t you cut it off with him?” I was mad at myself for opening up to someone that did nothing to deserve such intimacy, care, or attention. 

Not wanting to beat myself up anymore, since I was already beat down enough, I tried to bring my head above water. So, I researched what to do and what not to do in relationships for future reference. After one failed relationship after the other, I wanted to pin down “what I was doing wrong” so I began inundating myself with relationship articles, podcasts and meditations. (I also medicated. Red wine is great for easing a heartbreak.) It didn’t take long for all of the love advice to start sounding the same. 

To fall in love you have to be (1) extraordinarily understanding and patient (2) give the best blow jobs (3) a bit cold but not too cold hearted… so pretty much a bitch but you still have to be likeable (4) confident… because being bitchy is only sexy when your confident and (5) did I mention blow jobs? (6) Blah blah blah blah blah.

It was bizarre. All this advice. All this research. All this these experts. But yet so many people are looking for love. Even those who are already spoken for seem to find themselves lonely and unfulfilled. Hell, half of these “experts” are trying to sort out their love life themselves. After all my delving, I felt like there was one main theme that could summarize it all, and that was SELF RESPECT. 

I mean, it all makes sense. Take my story for instance… my biggest regret is that I allowed him to treat me poorly. I wanted him to give me something that I had failed to give myself, which was respect. Regardless, we probably wouldn’t have lasted either way. However, I would have preferred an ending where I could have walked out with my head held high. An ending where I realized that I deserved better than what he could give me and left the situation before I was so battered and bruised. 

Self-respect is tantamount to self-love. When you want to be loved and respected, it starts by loving and respecting yourself. People aren’t always going to recognize your worth and treat you the way you should be treated. When you respect yourself, you ensure that your worth will not be overlooked. You ensure that no one batters and bruises you, only to leave you as a damaged good reducing your value. Self-respect breathes confidence, self-esteem, self-worth, self-love and more. Self-respect is the most profound way you tell others that you value yourself and that in order to have a relationship with you, they will have to value YOU too.

You can cook for a man. But that isn’t going to make him love you. You will just be the girl that cooks for him and he will come around to eat when he’s hungry. You can give a man great sex. But that isn’t going to make him love you. You will just be the girl that gives him great sex and he will come around whenever he’s horny. You bend down for him to ride your back and he will. A man will only do what you let him. And if he knows he can do whatever it is under the sun and you will still be there waiting on him, he will do exactly that… everything under the sun. 

When they know you will always be there no matter how much they hurt you, they will most certainly take you for guaranteed. Your love will be like bottled water in a USA grocery store. He knows he needs water to survive but he doesn’t cherish it because whenever he’s ready for it, he can run to the local grocery store and grab himself a bottle off the shelf.

I'm Dreaming The Hardest

“I used to think as I looked out on the Hollywood night — there must be thousands of girls sitting alone like me, dreaming of becoming a movie star. But I'm not going to worry about them. I'm dreaming the hardest.”

-Marilyn Monroe

I have been running from a topic that has consumed me. A topic that I didn't feel was truly attainable. There has been many times where I wanted to post about living your dreams and following your heart. And then I would look at my life and ask myself “When are you going to live your dreams?” And “Do you even know what your dreams are anymore?”

When I think of living my dreams, the first thought is quitting my job and traveling the world. Doing interviews, talking to anyone and everyone. Finding about their life. How is it to live where they live? Wake up in the home they live in? Eat the foods they eat? Speak their language? Witness their hardships. Witness their joys. To me, these experiences is what makes life worth living. Experiencing the world.

Just two days ago I came back from San Diego and it made me feel alive. Some world travelers may laugh at that fact that simply traveling to San Diego could bring me such joy. Well, yes... San Diego is not Paris, or Fiji or Thailand… but it was enough to get me out of my mundane routine. It was something fresh. It was the wind beneath my fucking wings. It was just what I needed.

I realized last year that I am my happiest when traveling. When I can be care free and enjoy the world around me. Even when I travel for work… I enjoy my job that much more.

DON'T DREAM YOUR LIFE. 

LIVE YOUR DREAM.

So, lately I have been looking for jobs with agencies that would allow me to travel for work. These agencies are prestigious... only Ivy League kids could dream about working at these places. But I am trying to remain optimistic. I want to be able to travel and get paid for it at the same time. I’ve been applying for jobs like this for about 5 months now with no luck. And at times, it gets a bit discouraging but I realized that all I need to do is get my foot in the door. If I keep applying, someone is bound to give me an interview. So I am doing what I need to do on my end to ensure that at the end of the day, whether I get a job or not with one of these agencies, I did my very best. The rest is in the hands of destiny.

Traveling isn’t my only dream… I have lots of them. I have dreams of spending my weekends in new places, painting, debating international affairs and maybe getting a leading role in The Game of Thrones. (How I wish to one day be a damsel in distress only to be rescued by Jon Snow… ha ha.)

I am realizing thanks to reading Crazy Black Girl's blog, Necole Bitches' blog and my friend (who has taken a leap of faith and changed here career path entirely) Ali's Fashion Sense blog, that a new year, a big dream, a hope and a prayer doesn't change anything. ACTION changes things.

I even have dreams about my future husband... In my dreams he is well traveled. He would introduce me to new people and expose me to different learning opportunities.  He would be financially secure, and just a good person all around. But I ask myself... will I be able to provide the same qualities to him? I want my future husband to speak another language… but shouldn't I speak another language as well? I have been learning French for over 10 years and I am still not fluent. C'est dommage! 

I need to make sure that I live up to my dreams. Be the best that I can be and do what I need to do on my part. You can't pray to win the lotto if you don't go buy the ticket.

But I'm still dreaming...

Dreaming about...

     Financial success...

          Happiness...

               Journalism...

                    Working in the field of international affairs...

                         And about one day having a husband... 

A family… Oh, yes... a family!!! Having a family is a huge dream of mines too! It often times feels like one of the most unattainable dreams that I have. And while I would like to say it is all up to the universe to allow me and my soul mate to meet each other… I believe I have some part in this too. If I want to meet him, I have to put myself out there. For any dream, any hope, any prayer…. I have to put myself out there. There is so much I want to do and so little time. The Year of 2015 alone isn't going to turn my life into some magical fairy tale. I am the director of this movie… I am the playwright. I will write my own ending of happily ever after. I will ensure that I do what I can to see my dreams come to fruition. 

Dreams do come true. Don't believe me? Just watch!!! 

 I'll keep you all posted. :)

(Sidenote: I wrote this in less than 30 minutes… your girl is fired up! Lol)

Blue Christmas? Nah, I don't think so.

Oh baby, its cold outside. No, seriously. It’s cold. I guess that is to be expected during the Holiday Season. November and December seems to be the perfect months to fill with cold weather, holidays, love, happiness and economy stimulation. Just in time for the New Year, I guess. But this time of the year means different things for different people. When you hear ‘Holiday Season’ you may think about spending time with loved ones, eating whatever your heart desires, and gifting. The Holiday Season reminds so many of us that we are loved and allows us the opportunity to show our love (especially if you’re not the type of person that expresses your feelings on a normal basis). For some, however, the Holiday Season could bring uncharacteristic sentiments.

In 2005, my Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year was spent with my mother in the hospital. My memory of Christmas that year was filled with anxiety and uncertainty of what the next second would bring. My mother was at the Moffitt Cancer Treatment Center with my aunt, sister and grandmother in Tampa, FL, while me and the rest of the family were in Miramar, FL trying to have a ‘holly jolly Christmas’. That night, we got word that things weren’t looking good for my mother, so we had to take the Grey Hound to Tampa the next day early in the morning. Once we made it to Tampa, we spent the next few nights with family, a few nights at a hotel and even slept at the hospital in order to stay by her side. My mother died at 3:45 AM on January 2, 2006. I remember being at the hospital the night before she died and receiving ‘Happy New Year’ text messages when the clock stroke 12 AM on January 1^st. In my mind, I thought these people didn’t even have the slightest clue about what I was going through but they are mindlessly texting me to have a Happy New Year'? (This is why I don't send mass text messages anymore.) And ‘til this day a lot of people will never know. 

My mother always tried to make the Holiday’s special for me and my siblings, and it was devastating to know that for 2 years, Rhabdomyosarcoma cancer placed her in the hospital during the Holidays instead of having her home with us.

After my mother’s death, I thought that I would hate the holiday season. I was actually very nervous when the end of 2006 approached because I didn’t want to experience the Holidays without my mother. I didn’t want any reminders of what we experienced the year before. So Thanksgiving after my mom passed, I didn’t go home. I stayed in Tallahassee (where I went to college) and had Thanksgiving with my mentor Mrs. Inge and her family. And while I was with Mrs. Inge and her beautiful family, I couldn’t help but think about my family. And I realized then that my family needs me and that I needed them. So when Christmas approached, I went home to be with my family. And ever since then, I try not to get sad around the Holiday season. I try to appreciate the people in my life while they are alive on this earth.

As I get older, I am starting to feel a new void. I am getting older (but your girl is still YOUNG, don’t get it twisted) and I one day hope to have my own family. I want to sprinkle powder on the floor to make my children think that Santa visited and dragged snow in, similar to what my mother did for me and my siblings when we were kids. I want to make Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner and see my family around the dinner table. I want to teach my kids about giving back and that giving is better than receiving. My mother made the Holiday season special and I want to be able to pass that on. I guess my experiences have only made me appreciate my family more. And in return, I do my best to bring my family together for the Holidays.

So while you are with your family, forget about the credit card bills you racked up during Black Friday. Forget about your drunk Uncle eating all the mac and cheese and spilling wine on your carpet. Forget about the fact that you were skipped over for a promotion at work. Forget that the iPhone 6 keeps causing you overages on your monthly bill because it uses too much damn data. Forget that FAMU waited until you graduated to finally get a Chick-fil-a on campus. Forget about the fact that Miley Cyrus ruined twerking, as we know it. Yes… forget about all that shit!

No matter what is going on in your life, try to enjoy the Holidays. We don’t get enough of them as it is. Celebrate the time you have with the people you love while you can. Make memories. Life is short.

For more information about Rhabdomyosarcoma Cancer, please visit: http://www.cancer.org/cancer/rhabdomyosarcoma/detailedguide/rhabdomyosarcoma-what-is-rhabdomyosarcoma

The Pursuit of Happiness

“The way to find out about happiness is to keep your mind on those moments when you feel most happy, when you are really happy — not excited, not just thrilled, but deeply happy. This requires a little bit of self-analysis. What is it that makes you happy? Stay with it, no matter what people tell you. This is what is called following your bliss.” – Joseph Campbell

I went to the doctor’s office last week because I was feeling ill. For a week I had a cough and sore throat and couldn’t seem to shake it off. My doctor, who reminds me of your typical brunette New York foreigner who speaks what’s on her mind, looked at me and told me ‘You don’t look happy.’ In my mind I said to myself ‘of course I don’t look happy, my body is a mucus factory. After talking a bit more she mentioned it again. ‘You don’t look happy. Do you think you could be dealing with depression?’ At this point I started to think maybe she was on to something. Am I ‘not happy’?

Have you ever meet a person that was always cheerful? Always smiling and laughing? Always positive and doesn’t seem to let many things bother them? That is not me. I am an emotional shit storm and I don’t have a poker face. I know I wear my emotions on my sleeve, so when she mentioned the fact that I didn’t look happy for a second time I began to evaluate myself. And it didn’t take me long to realize that she was right. I'm not happy.

I’ve experienced a few setbacks this year. 2014 has been a doozy for me, albeit things could be worse. But at this moment, I can truly say I am not happy. I am not unhappy either. I would prefer to describe myself as indifferent. (That makes sense, right?) I get happy about certain things but deep down, I am not happy. There is no joy in my soul. My life is filled with mundane tasks and stress thinking about my future. 

While my doctor was just probing, her statement made me think. I'm not sure if I realized that I wasn't happy. For a while now I've just been doing my daily routine, desperately searching for a new job, trying to manage my tight budget (in which I have not been successful), rebuilding broken friendships (because I realized that I wasn't as good of a friend as I thought I was) and spending time with my semi dysfunctional family. So, one simple statement from my doctor made me stop and think about what it means to be happy, how to obtain happiness, and how to retain it.

One thing I know for sure is that some people have to work harder to be happy compared to others. Some people are just naturally happy. They naturally have the ability to not sweat the small stuff. In my case, and I believe most Americans, being happy is literally a pursuit. We are constantly seeking the things to bring enjoyment to our lives. But we find ourselfs still not quite fullfilled. We run around in some sort of ungrateful and prilvilged mind set which causes us to sweat the small stuff and not appreciate the little things in life. Usually, It’s not until something devastating happens, like the loss of a loved one, when most people try to put things into perspective. But what if we worked daily to put things into perspective? What if every day we committed ourselves to happiness?

Joseph Campbell says that happiness requires self-analysis. In my case, I know what triggers me and my emotional swings. I have a tendency to react harshly and defensively. I tend to see the negative in most situations and create conflict within myself. I know that I have many fucked up aspects to me, but the good news is that I KNOW these things. And I know what it takes for me to be happy but sometimes it easier to just bitch and complain, dwell in the misery. 

Lately, I have been trying to let go of my pride. Why is it so hard to say ‘I am sorry’? Why is it so hard to be the bigger person? I look back and I realized that on those few occasions where I swallowed my pride and apologized or made a mends, those are the times I allowed myself peace within my heart. I sought after happiness in those moments of humbling myself. So, we have to think of those things that prevents us from being happy. Pride. Control. Arrogance. 

So, in a way I think love, humbleness and happiness go hand in hand. When you’re happy, your energy transfers. And I am not talking about being excited or thrilled (as Campbell mentioned) but deeply happy within. When you are truly happy, nothing can take that away from you because it is buried deep within.

So I am kicking of this Thanksgiving week on a pursuit for happiness and I want you to join me. Here is what we have to do.

1) Discover the things that prevents you from being happy and how can you remove these things from your life.

2) Determine what makes you happy and how to internalize this happiness.

It’s easy to look at all the bad in this world. It’s easy to get sucked into negativity. But this is where you dig deep and you remind yourself that the only thing/person that can make you happy is YOU! You have all the power. It takes work. It may be the hardest thing in life you will ever have to work towards (because our internal demons are the hardest to slay) but consider it a journey and at the end of the day, it will only enhance your life on this earth. Because at the end of the day, your mind is the only thing you have.

“Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” – Joseph Campbell