I'm Dreaming The Hardest

“I used to think as I looked out on the Hollywood night — there must be thousands of girls sitting alone like me, dreaming of becoming a movie star. But I'm not going to worry about them. I'm dreaming the hardest.”

-Marilyn Monroe

I have been running from a topic that has consumed me. A topic that I didn't feel was truly attainable. There has been many times where I wanted to post about living your dreams and following your heart. And then I would look at my life and ask myself “When are you going to live your dreams?” And “Do you even know what your dreams are anymore?”

When I think of living my dreams, the first thought is quitting my job and traveling the world. Doing interviews, talking to anyone and everyone. Finding about their life. How is it to live where they live? Wake up in the home they live in? Eat the foods they eat? Speak their language? Witness their hardships. Witness their joys. To me, these experiences is what makes life worth living. Experiencing the world.

Just two days ago I came back from San Diego and it made me feel alive. Some world travelers may laugh at that fact that simply traveling to San Diego could bring me such joy. Well, yes... San Diego is not Paris, or Fiji or Thailand… but it was enough to get me out of my mundane routine. It was something fresh. It was the wind beneath my fucking wings. It was just what I needed.

I realized last year that I am my happiest when traveling. When I can be care free and enjoy the world around me. Even when I travel for work… I enjoy my job that much more.

DON'T DREAM YOUR LIFE. 

LIVE YOUR DREAM.

So, lately I have been looking for jobs with agencies that would allow me to travel for work. These agencies are prestigious... only Ivy League kids could dream about working at these places. But I am trying to remain optimistic. I want to be able to travel and get paid for it at the same time. I’ve been applying for jobs like this for about 5 months now with no luck. And at times, it gets a bit discouraging but I realized that all I need to do is get my foot in the door. If I keep applying, someone is bound to give me an interview. So I am doing what I need to do on my end to ensure that at the end of the day, whether I get a job or not with one of these agencies, I did my very best. The rest is in the hands of destiny.

Traveling isn’t my only dream… I have lots of them. I have dreams of spending my weekends in new places, painting, debating international affairs and maybe getting a leading role in The Game of Thrones. (How I wish to one day be a damsel in distress only to be rescued by Jon Snow… ha ha.)

I am realizing thanks to reading Crazy Black Girl's blog, Necole Bitches' blog and my friend (who has taken a leap of faith and changed here career path entirely) Ali's Fashion Sense blog, that a new year, a big dream, a hope and a prayer doesn't change anything. ACTION changes things.

I even have dreams about my future husband... In my dreams he is well traveled. He would introduce me to new people and expose me to different learning opportunities.  He would be financially secure, and just a good person all around. But I ask myself... will I be able to provide the same qualities to him? I want my future husband to speak another language… but shouldn't I speak another language as well? I have been learning French for over 10 years and I am still not fluent. C'est dommage! 

I need to make sure that I live up to my dreams. Be the best that I can be and do what I need to do on my part. You can't pray to win the lotto if you don't go buy the ticket.

But I'm still dreaming...

Dreaming about...

     Financial success...

          Happiness...

               Journalism...

                    Working in the field of international affairs...

                         And about one day having a husband... 

A family… Oh, yes... a family!!! Having a family is a huge dream of mines too! It often times feels like one of the most unattainable dreams that I have. And while I would like to say it is all up to the universe to allow me and my soul mate to meet each other… I believe I have some part in this too. If I want to meet him, I have to put myself out there. For any dream, any hope, any prayer…. I have to put myself out there. There is so much I want to do and so little time. The Year of 2015 alone isn't going to turn my life into some magical fairy tale. I am the director of this movie… I am the playwright. I will write my own ending of happily ever after. I will ensure that I do what I can to see my dreams come to fruition. 

Dreams do come true. Don't believe me? Just watch!!! 

 I'll keep you all posted. :)

(Sidenote: I wrote this in less than 30 minutes… your girl is fired up! Lol)

In 2015... I'm rolling that dice.

 My New Year’s Resolution 

"Nothing is too wonderful to be true, if it be consistent with the laws of nature."

- Michael Faraday

If you have been following my blogs, you would notice that I’ve changed a lot. My blogs a few years ago reflected my religious views and the way I thought society wanted me to be. I discussed topics on gay marriage, religion without sacrifice and the love of money. Well, if you read my latest blogs today you will see that over time, I've change. Comparing some of my blogs, I would appear to be a bit hypocritical. I even shock myself at times when I read my blogs from 2012. I am like “Damn, was that really me?” Even outside of religion I found that my viewpoints have changed but a lot of my internal issues have remained the same. I have a blog where I wrote about me trying to please everyone in an attempt to be accepted by everyone. And despite me writing that over two years ago I still find myself in that mind-set. While I do believe that I have become more aware of who I am, I am still struggling with the ability to be completely WHO I AM. Even with my own blog I fear expressing some of my views due to possibly disappointing some of my readers.

So, with all the changes and a New Year, I thought “Why not blog about my New Year’s Resolution?” I had some trouble determining exactly what would be my resolutions for the New Year until I read a blog by Heather Havrilesky who writes for New York Magazine. One of her first blogs for NY Magazine was a response to a reader that asked ‘Why Don’t the Men I Date Ever Truly Love Me?’ and Heather basically summed it up to ‘You don't cherish yourself, so you put up with men who don't either’. While I didn’t necessarily read the blog to help me determine my New Year’s Resolution, I found a few points Heather made very applicable.  So I decided to use her blog as the basis for my New Year’s resolution.

A lot of women out there are afraid of being something. The template for us is pretty clear: We are meant to have clean skin, a pleasant demeanor, and a nice rack. I'm not speaking up against nice racks, Lord knows. But there are lots of ladies around me, everywhere I go, who hesitate to say what they're thinking and feeling. They go with the flow, they never make waves. And eventually, they don't even seem to know what makes them who they are. They live to serve. They read the books that other people are reading. They say the pleasant things that other people are saying. They never put their needs first, unless it indirectly serves someone else — a manicure, some highlights. They make sure everyone around them is 100 percent satisfied. Like grocery-store managers. Like customer service reps. Like masseuses who also give free happy endings.

- Heather Havrilesky

Ask Polly: Why Don’t the Men I Date Ever Truly Love Me?

NY Magazine

So, I said all that shit above to say this… I’ve changed. I’m still changing. And all my changes in 2015 will be to benefit me and who I am. So here are my Top Five (in true Chris Rock fashion) New Year’s Resolutions:

1) Be me. Entirely. As long as I am fine with who I am, fuck what anyone else thinks. I've struggled with trying to please people all my life. Heather really inspired me to be crazy, if I feel like it. Dance if I feel like it. Cry if I feel like it. Hell, even knock a few books over and then take a seat rather than pretending to be calm and subdued because the people around me expect that behavior from me.

2) Travel... For life’s precious moments. So far I have a Bachelorette Party in Vegas and a Wisconsin Lake House trip booked.  So if you want me to travel out of the country with you, this is the year to do it. I’m definitely planning to go to another continent.

3) Health. I am going be 29 soon and I want to look and feel my best entering my 30s.

4) Remain single. My goal is to just date a lot and be more open minded. Take things slow and really try to get to know the guys I meet. Play the field and learn more about what I want in a partner. Improve myself in order to be a good, loving, stable companion.

5) Parler Francais. Become fluent in French. I’ve been learning French for 10 years now. Why am I not bilingual yet? Ugh.

I will post a quarterly update to let you know how I am doing with my New Year’s resolutions. I have a lot of other goals this year which includes helping my dad open his restaurant, work with a nonprofit volunteering, find a new job, over celebrate birthdays, and make lots and lots of happy memories.

This year, anything is possible!!!

So what is your New Year’s resolution?

"I used to think as I looked out on the Hollywood night- there must be thousands of girls sitting alone like me, dreaming of becoming a movie star. But I'm not going to worry about them. I'm dreaming the hardest."

— Marilyn Monroe