The Army of Negative Thoughts

So this is how it feels to go insane. 

All this time I was expecting a  grand, traumatic event to collapse my rotting stability to dust. How did this happen? Did someone die suddenly? Was she raped? Did she experience trauma in her life?

Not quite. 

Just fickle minded. 

They will look at me through the thick cloudy glass window of the psych ward door, with a pen and pad in hand and scribble 'pathetic' on my evaluation. 

Puzzling to some, but the only trauma I faced was the worldwind of negative thoughts spinning around my head. So many of them, it began to sound like a crowded auditorium right before the show started and the lights were dimmed. They spun around so fast, and so randomly that they started colliding into one another. The words were no longer coherent. Just tormenting. Relentless. 

I felt like I was going insane. 

SHUT THE FUCK UP! 

That worked. For a second. Picked up the phone. Texted him “ Can’t sleep”. No response. I need to keep my mind occupied. Sent several other text messages out. “Are you up?” No response.  I need to talk. I need to distract myself from this. Is this happening because my period is on? Is this happening because I am miserable at work? Is this happening because I am scared that he’s going to be just like the rest of them? 

UNIVERSE! Work with me. 

Boom. Got a text back. My good friend, Phil. Supportive. Grounded. He’s experienced many hardships in his life. Phil, help me. My life is changing and I can’t recognize it. My dad just moved away. I am working at a job I hate… with no friends… I feel alone. Phil reminds me that change is hard. Thank you, Phil. I never realized how hard change could be. Seriously.

Knock knock. My roommate is at my bedroom door. Its 1:48 AM. She’s checking on me. I am crying. How can I stop these negative thoughts? I say the same thing to her that I told Phil, but I go into more detail regarding my potential future boyfriend. My roommate says positive words. At this point, I realize the thoughts have subdued. She sleeps in my bed with me. 

I lay there.

What’s happening to me? Who can understand this? Am I doing this to myself? I am driving myself insane?

YES.

Under the surface...

How little worth I apply to myself... Where I constantly feel undeserving. 

How can I slay this dragon. This massive cancer that feeds on my insecurities. If it comes back like a thief in the night, you can no longer retreat. You can no longer run and hide… folding into fetal position.

At last, you will take up arms. You will destroy the demons that conspire to feed on your soul. The smell of vulnerability only intensifies their hunger.

Carry your sword. Stab every negative thought in the heart. Not only are you the king, but you are the queen, the rooks, and the bishop AND you are also the knights. Protect every morsel of your being. Rule on a throne pure and forgiving. Cut out cancers. Ignore them when they call. You are on your way to infinite bliss, and can no longer be distracted.

You have been crowned. Protect the realm.

Global Perspective

“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in.” 

― Shannon L. Alder

In America, life gives you lemons. In other countries, life will give you famine, a sea filled with blood due to incessant war, and little to no access to health care. Submerging myself in world news, I’ve come to realize that my quality of life is overwhelmingly better than most people in the world. This enlightenment has given that cliche quote “it could be worse” new profound meaning. Shit could really be worse.

The social and economic injustices in America can cause us to forget that America and its shortcomings is the lesser of many evils. The United States provides us with an abundance of life's necessities and trivial desires. Living in America, most have access to resources that other inhabitants die for. Running water, shelter from the heat, shelter from the cold, plumbing, free education, and public transportation are luxuries easily taken for granted. Although some people in America may be subjected to harsh living conditions, those harsh conditions are nothing when compared on a global scale.

While listening to BBC World Service, I’ve heard the cries of refugees fleeing Syria that witnessed their family members drown during their attempts to enter Europe illegally crossing the Mediterranean Sea. Syrians have lost their homes, their jobs, their communities, and their rest. Worst of all, they face a high probability of losing their lives as causalities of war... causalities of unfortunate circumstances. All to escape turmoil they did not provoke: A war that has killed many innocent civilians. If and when they make it to Europe, or whatever country that they believe possesses a second chance at a normal life, their misfortune isn’t comforted. Starting a new life with nothing in a country where the government is ambivalent regarding your refuge there, does not provide much ease.

If we could compare the prayers of Americans and the prayers of those confined in Syria, we would see that the two countries worship two very different Gods. Not in name, but in attitude. Those that live in America may act as if life is an entitlement of sorts and evil is something that only lurks in the dark: prayers for job promotions and material possessions. But in  Eritrea, Somalia, Yemen, Syria, Sudan, Uganda and Iraq, evil lurks relentlessly day and night: their prayers are for food, refuge and timely revenge. 

American adults would be utterly traumatized waking to piles of rotting dead bodies stacked one on top of the other outside of their makeshift tents. While children in these war ridden countries play a few feet away from decapitated heads. Whatever pain I feel is triumphed by the pain of those suffering unremittingly around the world. For those searching for their family member's remains in the rubble of bombed buildings, life is hell on earth. I don’t know pain. The devastating circumstances in my life can’t even scratch the surface of what my brothers and sisters experience around the world. 

They say that you should expect causalities in war, and I’ve also come to expect Americans to bask in their ignorant bliss, as I used to. Not knowing the blood shed that is happening around the world, around the clock. My perspective on life has changed significantly. And I ask myself, "Who am I to complain?"

I'm Dreaming The Hardest

“I used to think as I looked out on the Hollywood night — there must be thousands of girls sitting alone like me, dreaming of becoming a movie star. But I'm not going to worry about them. I'm dreaming the hardest.”

-Marilyn Monroe

I have been running from a topic that has consumed me. A topic that I didn't feel was truly attainable. There has been many times where I wanted to post about living your dreams and following your heart. And then I would look at my life and ask myself “When are you going to live your dreams?” And “Do you even know what your dreams are anymore?”

When I think of living my dreams, the first thought is quitting my job and traveling the world. Doing interviews, talking to anyone and everyone. Finding about their life. How is it to live where they live? Wake up in the home they live in? Eat the foods they eat? Speak their language? Witness their hardships. Witness their joys. To me, these experiences is what makes life worth living. Experiencing the world.

Just two days ago I came back from San Diego and it made me feel alive. Some world travelers may laugh at that fact that simply traveling to San Diego could bring me such joy. Well, yes... San Diego is not Paris, or Fiji or Thailand… but it was enough to get me out of my mundane routine. It was something fresh. It was the wind beneath my fucking wings. It was just what I needed.

I realized last year that I am my happiest when traveling. When I can be care free and enjoy the world around me. Even when I travel for work… I enjoy my job that much more.

DON'T DREAM YOUR LIFE. 

LIVE YOUR DREAM.

So, lately I have been looking for jobs with agencies that would allow me to travel for work. These agencies are prestigious... only Ivy League kids could dream about working at these places. But I am trying to remain optimistic. I want to be able to travel and get paid for it at the same time. I’ve been applying for jobs like this for about 5 months now with no luck. And at times, it gets a bit discouraging but I realized that all I need to do is get my foot in the door. If I keep applying, someone is bound to give me an interview. So I am doing what I need to do on my end to ensure that at the end of the day, whether I get a job or not with one of these agencies, I did my very best. The rest is in the hands of destiny.

Traveling isn’t my only dream… I have lots of them. I have dreams of spending my weekends in new places, painting, debating international affairs and maybe getting a leading role in The Game of Thrones. (How I wish to one day be a damsel in distress only to be rescued by Jon Snow… ha ha.)

I am realizing thanks to reading Crazy Black Girl's blog, Necole Bitches' blog and my friend (who has taken a leap of faith and changed here career path entirely) Ali's Fashion Sense blog, that a new year, a big dream, a hope and a prayer doesn't change anything. ACTION changes things.

I even have dreams about my future husband... In my dreams he is well traveled. He would introduce me to new people and expose me to different learning opportunities.  He would be financially secure, and just a good person all around. But I ask myself... will I be able to provide the same qualities to him? I want my future husband to speak another language… but shouldn't I speak another language as well? I have been learning French for over 10 years and I am still not fluent. C'est dommage! 

I need to make sure that I live up to my dreams. Be the best that I can be and do what I need to do on my part. You can't pray to win the lotto if you don't go buy the ticket.

But I'm still dreaming...

Dreaming about...

     Financial success...

          Happiness...

               Journalism...

                    Working in the field of international affairs...

                         And about one day having a husband... 

A family… Oh, yes... a family!!! Having a family is a huge dream of mines too! It often times feels like one of the most unattainable dreams that I have. And while I would like to say it is all up to the universe to allow me and my soul mate to meet each other… I believe I have some part in this too. If I want to meet him, I have to put myself out there. For any dream, any hope, any prayer…. I have to put myself out there. There is so much I want to do and so little time. The Year of 2015 alone isn't going to turn my life into some magical fairy tale. I am the director of this movie… I am the playwright. I will write my own ending of happily ever after. I will ensure that I do what I can to see my dreams come to fruition. 

Dreams do come true. Don't believe me? Just watch!!! 

 I'll keep you all posted. :)

(Sidenote: I wrote this in less than 30 minutes… your girl is fired up! Lol)

Blind Spot

Blind Spot - The Illusion of Love

In my 28 years of life I've seen a lot of fucked up relationships. I, myself, have been in a few relationships that really should’ve never been. My mother separated from her husband and, although I wasn’t born yet to witness it, my grandmother separated from her husband too. So I didn’t necessarily have great relationship role models to look up to. However, my mother taught me one valuable lesson – if it isn’t working, leave.

After observing many relationships and being that I am much wiser now, I know so much more about what a good relationship should consist of. Right now, if a guy wanted to date me, there would have to be no games involved. Of course, the first few weeks may have a little bit of fuzz, because that is the time you initially spend getting to know each other. But after a couple months, if you want me, your actions should say it all. I don't plan on guessing about your feelings for me. I don't want to read between any lines. You shouldn't tell me how much you want to be with me... you should show me. Of course, there will be some guys that will only want to be casual friends, and I am fine with that too. As long as he is honest about it. But when it comes to playing games with my heart… Frankly, I don't have time for that shit! And ladies - neither should you!

I think most able-minded people know when they are not in a good relationship. Most people know when they are chasing a hopeless dream. Most people know when the person they are interested in is a bit shady. But what keeps them in these relationships? What keeps people pursuing someone that they know isn’t good for them? Someone that you know doesn't have your best interest in mind? Yes, some people are attracted to the "bad boy" type. The guys/girls that you know will ultimately break your heart. I was too… when I was like 16!!!! But for a fruitful, loving, long lasting relationship… why do we entertain those that we know will only cause havoc in our lifes?

I know there are always exceptions to the rule, but when I look at my friends and family members who I believe are in healthy relationships, I can see the compatibility. I can see the love. I look at them and I am left in awe of how the universe created these two people that are nearly perfect for one another. And then, there are my friends and family members who are going after men/women who they know deep down aren't good for them. And all I can do is grin and smile because when it comes to affairs of the heart people aren’t rationale and disregard outside advice. You can tell them over and over "look, we saw him at dinner with another woman making out in the back seat of his car… You should probably leave this guy!" and they still won't budge. They'll talk to him. Get mad. He'll make promises to change. And like clockwork... She is blinded again.

I've seen women, even from a young age, settle. Settle for the next best thing. Settle for the first man that pays them attention. Settle for the closest thing that resembles love. Deep down, they may know he isn't the right person for them. Deep down, they know that they deserve better. But they decided to stay. 

Desperation.

Desperation is a motherfucker. Most people won't admit they are desperate. Some people won't even realize it until they have the chance to look back on a situation. But why else would you settle for someone that treats you poorly? Why else will you accept mediocrity? Is it because you are afraid that you will probably never meet anyone else?

One thing I know for sure is that God, The Universe, The Higher Energy (or whatever you want to call it) is working with you. And I know that the Universe didn’t create you just to leave you stuck in a miserable relationship. What’s the point of that? I mean… think of the real reasons of a relationship – love, happiness, companionship, support, friendship, and stability. If a relationship is bringing you more pain than joy, you need to reevaluate things. A relationship shouldn’t be forced in order to fill some void. If it feels like the Universe is trying to pull you two apart, why fight it?

Self-esteem has a lot to do with it and unfortunately for women, men are hunters... They can smell your vulnerability from a mile away. They prey on it. When I first met my ex, he said everything that would help let my guard down. Guys will tell you whatever you want to hear in the first few weeks or months of dating. While some will actually mean what they say, a lot of them will not. So I encourage taking your time when dating. Approach it as if he or she is a friend that you are trying to get to know better. Try to really get to know the person. And if you are someone who attaches your vagina to your heart, try to wait a while before having sex.  With my ex, I wish I would have waited longer before jumping in head first. I wish I would have tried to know him for who he truly was versus what we wanted to represent. This probably would have prevented some heart break for me.

Why settle for someone who doesn’t love you when you can find someone that loves you unconditionally?

Why settle with someone who doesn’t call you when you can find someone who can’t go a single day without finding out how your day has been?

Why settle for someone who only wants to get to know you on the surface level when you can find someone that wants to know your deepest fears so that he can prevent these fears from happening?

Why settle for someone who only looks out for his best interest when you can find someone who considers you when he is making plans for his future?

The proof is in the pudding. I am a strong believer that if you have to question if its love, it’s not. There is nothing confusing about love. It should feel natural and unforced. As cliché as it sounds, it should truly fit in your life like a missing puzzle piece.

When it comes to love, or more so - the illusion of it, some people form a blind spot. They can’t see the person for who he/she truly is. Love often times is accompanied with denial. But the heart never lies. Sometimes you get that feeling that won’t go away… that feeling that something is not right. And as much as you try to ignore it, suppress it, prove that it wrong… IT WILL NOT BUDGE. Sometimes we are afraid of acknowledging this feeling due to a fear of being alone. But I believe the universe is telling you not to settle because they have something even better in store for you. Someone that is your true soul mate. The best is yet to come.

For my blog about Limerence, the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, please click here.

Blue Christmas? Nah, I don't think so.

Oh baby, its cold outside. No, seriously. It’s cold. I guess that is to be expected during the Holiday Season. November and December seems to be the perfect months to fill with cold weather, holidays, love, happiness and economy stimulation. Just in time for the New Year, I guess. But this time of the year means different things for different people. When you hear ‘Holiday Season’ you may think about spending time with loved ones, eating whatever your heart desires, and gifting. The Holiday Season reminds so many of us that we are loved and allows us the opportunity to show our love (especially if you’re not the type of person that expresses your feelings on a normal basis). For some, however, the Holiday Season could bring uncharacteristic sentiments.

In 2005, my Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year was spent with my mother in the hospital. My memory of Christmas that year was filled with anxiety and uncertainty of what the next second would bring. My mother was at the Moffitt Cancer Treatment Center with my aunt, sister and grandmother in Tampa, FL, while me and the rest of the family were in Miramar, FL trying to have a ‘holly jolly Christmas’. That night, we got word that things weren’t looking good for my mother, so we had to take the Grey Hound to Tampa the next day early in the morning. Once we made it to Tampa, we spent the next few nights with family, a few nights at a hotel and even slept at the hospital in order to stay by her side. My mother died at 3:45 AM on January 2, 2006. I remember being at the hospital the night before she died and receiving ‘Happy New Year’ text messages when the clock stroke 12 AM on January 1^st. In my mind, I thought these people didn’t even have the slightest clue about what I was going through but they are mindlessly texting me to have a Happy New Year'? (This is why I don't send mass text messages anymore.) And ‘til this day a lot of people will never know. 

My mother always tried to make the Holiday’s special for me and my siblings, and it was devastating to know that for 2 years, Rhabdomyosarcoma cancer placed her in the hospital during the Holidays instead of having her home with us.

After my mother’s death, I thought that I would hate the holiday season. I was actually very nervous when the end of 2006 approached because I didn’t want to experience the Holidays without my mother. I didn’t want any reminders of what we experienced the year before. So Thanksgiving after my mom passed, I didn’t go home. I stayed in Tallahassee (where I went to college) and had Thanksgiving with my mentor Mrs. Inge and her family. And while I was with Mrs. Inge and her beautiful family, I couldn’t help but think about my family. And I realized then that my family needs me and that I needed them. So when Christmas approached, I went home to be with my family. And ever since then, I try not to get sad around the Holiday season. I try to appreciate the people in my life while they are alive on this earth.

As I get older, I am starting to feel a new void. I am getting older (but your girl is still YOUNG, don’t get it twisted) and I one day hope to have my own family. I want to sprinkle powder on the floor to make my children think that Santa visited and dragged snow in, similar to what my mother did for me and my siblings when we were kids. I want to make Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner and see my family around the dinner table. I want to teach my kids about giving back and that giving is better than receiving. My mother made the Holiday season special and I want to be able to pass that on. I guess my experiences have only made me appreciate my family more. And in return, I do my best to bring my family together for the Holidays.

So while you are with your family, forget about the credit card bills you racked up during Black Friday. Forget about your drunk Uncle eating all the mac and cheese and spilling wine on your carpet. Forget about the fact that you were skipped over for a promotion at work. Forget that the iPhone 6 keeps causing you overages on your monthly bill because it uses too much damn data. Forget that FAMU waited until you graduated to finally get a Chick-fil-a on campus. Forget about the fact that Miley Cyrus ruined twerking, as we know it. Yes… forget about all that shit!

No matter what is going on in your life, try to enjoy the Holidays. We don’t get enough of them as it is. Celebrate the time you have with the people you love while you can. Make memories. Life is short.

For more information about Rhabdomyosarcoma Cancer, please visit: http://www.cancer.org/cancer/rhabdomyosarcoma/detailedguide/rhabdomyosarcoma-what-is-rhabdomyosarcoma