Why I Gotta Be So Rude?

And another one bites the dust            

  Oh why can I not conquer love        

    And I might have thought that we were one    

       Wanted to fight this war without weapons       

        And I wanted it, I wanted it bad          

     But there were so many red flags            

   Now another one bites the dust          

 Yeah let's be clear, I'll trust no one       

Sia - Elastic Heart Lyrics 

Are you getting tired of me talking about relationships? Well, guess what? Here is another relationship blog. And here is why…

1) My natal chart told me that I am good at writing about relationships. (Go figure!)
2) My fling ended. The guy I’ve been seeing for the past several weeks is no longer in the picture.  So what do I do when something like this happens in my life? I write about it!

So, I wrote about this guy when we first met (see No Strings Attached). I was feeling bubbly initially after meeting him. We were taking things slow and going out occasionally. At some point I determined that he wasn't the one. For some reason he never got any of my jokes, the chemistry faded and he never took me out to dinner. He took me out for drinks but never dinner. I told one of my friends how I felt and she told me to give him a chance. Because of her advice, I continued to talk to him... And I was trying to date casually with no expectations. So, I told myself that I would try to get to know him better but at the same time I treated him like he was disposable, which leads me to my first two dating rules.

#1 – If you are going to get to know someone, GET TO KNOW THEM for real. I kept saying “Oh, I am getting to know him. I don’t think I like him but I am getting to know him.” I feel like deep down, I didn't give the man a real chance. Yes, I felt like something wasn't right about him after dating him for several weeks so I didn't care to get to know him anymore. But even before I determined that something wasn't right, I didn't give him a fair chance. I kept looking for things to disqualify him. I kept looking to find his flaws. In those weeks that we talked, I made him feel like I didn't like him and that we would only be just friends. I made him feel like he was not important to me. And I feel like this may have caused him to not open up as much as he could have or maybe wanted to. So, when dating, give people the chance to show you who they are before labeling them and putting them in certain categories. Really listen to them when they talk. Ask questions. Be interested. Come in it with an open heart and try to see the good in them.

#2 – Trust your fucking gut feelings. (This may sound contradictory to rule #1, but hear me out.) If something is telling you that something isn’t right, SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT. I had this feeling with him and so many other guys. I always try to ignore it but eventually something bad happens and I realize why I had those feelings. Your intuition doesn't try to get your attention for no reason. Your intuition is picking up on subtle clues that you may be ignoring. DON’T IGNORE YOUR INNER SELF NUDGING AT YOU. Fuck what your friends say… your friends aren’t the ones dating the dude. They can’t see what you see.

#3 – BE YOURSELF. This is the closest I’ve gotten to a guy since my break up last year. So, I came in with a fucking closed heart. I wouldn’t tell him too much about me (even though I love talking about myself). I didn’t show any affection (even though I am a very affectionate person). I never went out of my way to reach out to him. I wanted to be sure that I didn’t let him in too quickly, and by doing this I wasn't being myself. I felt as if the more I acted like I didn't care about him, the more control I could maintain. He may think that I am some cold hearted motherfucker and he has every right to think that because that is who I pretended to be…. All in hopes of protecting myself. I look back and I regret that. I rather have someone dislike me for who I am rather than like me for someone I am not. He never got to see the real me. And in the future, I rather get hurt being my normal loving, caring self. I would walk away from a situation like that with no regrets.

The next guy I date, I plan on opening my heart, (while still tapping into my intuition) and being myself completely. Being hurt in relationships (especially when you gave the relationship your all) can cause you to shut down but that is not fair to the next person that walks into your life.

OPEN THAT HEART AND LET SOME LOVE IN! 

I am determined to find true love. Let's go on this journey together.

Blind Spot

Blind Spot - The Illusion of Love

In my 28 years of life I've seen a lot of fucked up relationships. I, myself, have been in a few relationships that really should’ve never been. My mother separated from her husband and, although I wasn’t born yet to witness it, my grandmother separated from her husband too. So I didn’t necessarily have great relationship role models to look up to. However, my mother taught me one valuable lesson – if it isn’t working, leave.

After observing many relationships and being that I am much wiser now, I know so much more about what a good relationship should consist of. Right now, if a guy wanted to date me, there would have to be no games involved. Of course, the first few weeks may have a little bit of fuzz, because that is the time you initially spend getting to know each other. But after a couple months, if you want me, your actions should say it all. I don't plan on guessing about your feelings for me. I don't want to read between any lines. You shouldn't tell me how much you want to be with me... you should show me. Of course, there will be some guys that will only want to be casual friends, and I am fine with that too. As long as he is honest about it. But when it comes to playing games with my heart… Frankly, I don't have time for that shit! And ladies - neither should you!

I think most able-minded people know when they are not in a good relationship. Most people know when they are chasing a hopeless dream. Most people know when the person they are interested in is a bit shady. But what keeps them in these relationships? What keeps people pursuing someone that they know isn’t good for them? Someone that you know doesn't have your best interest in mind? Yes, some people are attracted to the "bad boy" type. The guys/girls that you know will ultimately break your heart. I was too… when I was like 16!!!! But for a fruitful, loving, long lasting relationship… why do we entertain those that we know will only cause havoc in our lifes?

I know there are always exceptions to the rule, but when I look at my friends and family members who I believe are in healthy relationships, I can see the compatibility. I can see the love. I look at them and I am left in awe of how the universe created these two people that are nearly perfect for one another. And then, there are my friends and family members who are going after men/women who they know deep down aren't good for them. And all I can do is grin and smile because when it comes to affairs of the heart people aren’t rationale and disregard outside advice. You can tell them over and over "look, we saw him at dinner with another woman making out in the back seat of his car… You should probably leave this guy!" and they still won't budge. They'll talk to him. Get mad. He'll make promises to change. And like clockwork... She is blinded again.

I've seen women, even from a young age, settle. Settle for the next best thing. Settle for the first man that pays them attention. Settle for the closest thing that resembles love. Deep down, they may know he isn't the right person for them. Deep down, they know that they deserve better. But they decided to stay. 

Desperation.

Desperation is a motherfucker. Most people won't admit they are desperate. Some people won't even realize it until they have the chance to look back on a situation. But why else would you settle for someone that treats you poorly? Why else will you accept mediocrity? Is it because you are afraid that you will probably never meet anyone else?

One thing I know for sure is that God, The Universe, The Higher Energy (or whatever you want to call it) is working with you. And I know that the Universe didn’t create you just to leave you stuck in a miserable relationship. What’s the point of that? I mean… think of the real reasons of a relationship – love, happiness, companionship, support, friendship, and stability. If a relationship is bringing you more pain than joy, you need to reevaluate things. A relationship shouldn’t be forced in order to fill some void. If it feels like the Universe is trying to pull you two apart, why fight it?

Self-esteem has a lot to do with it and unfortunately for women, men are hunters... They can smell your vulnerability from a mile away. They prey on it. When I first met my ex, he said everything that would help let my guard down. Guys will tell you whatever you want to hear in the first few weeks or months of dating. While some will actually mean what they say, a lot of them will not. So I encourage taking your time when dating. Approach it as if he or she is a friend that you are trying to get to know better. Try to really get to know the person. And if you are someone who attaches your vagina to your heart, try to wait a while before having sex.  With my ex, I wish I would have waited longer before jumping in head first. I wish I would have tried to know him for who he truly was versus what we wanted to represent. This probably would have prevented some heart break for me.

Why settle for someone who doesn’t love you when you can find someone that loves you unconditionally?

Why settle with someone who doesn’t call you when you can find someone who can’t go a single day without finding out how your day has been?

Why settle for someone who only wants to get to know you on the surface level when you can find someone that wants to know your deepest fears so that he can prevent these fears from happening?

Why settle for someone who only looks out for his best interest when you can find someone who considers you when he is making plans for his future?

The proof is in the pudding. I am a strong believer that if you have to question if its love, it’s not. There is nothing confusing about love. It should feel natural and unforced. As cliché as it sounds, it should truly fit in your life like a missing puzzle piece.

When it comes to love, or more so - the illusion of it, some people form a blind spot. They can’t see the person for who he/she truly is. Love often times is accompanied with denial. But the heart never lies. Sometimes you get that feeling that won’t go away… that feeling that something is not right. And as much as you try to ignore it, suppress it, prove that it wrong… IT WILL NOT BUDGE. Sometimes we are afraid of acknowledging this feeling due to a fear of being alone. But I believe the universe is telling you not to settle because they have something even better in store for you. Someone that is your true soul mate. The best is yet to come.

For my blog about Limerence, the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, please click here.