Why am I single?

To all my single ladies...

Have you ever asked yourself “Why am I single?”

This Valentine’s Day I had a little soiree at my place for all my single friends. And as we sat around watching a movie, I looked around the room and asked myself “Why are we single?” I have a great group of friends and I think every one of them brings something to the table. All of my friends are different. All of them have their great qualities and their setbacks, like every women. But what is it about us that has kept us with no ring on the finger?

Recently, I was reading a blog where the writer attempted to address why so many successful [more so black] women are single. I know people often say that it’s because successful woman intimidate men. While that could be the case, I doubt that the “intimidation” factor is the sole reason why so many successful woman are single. The blogger suggested that successful women aren’t single because men are intimated by them, but rather, these woman must have some issues that they are unaware of.

Hmmm… some issues that we are unaware of? What could this be? So I started asking myself, what do I think is keeping me single? While I do consider the fact that it could just be that I haven’t met the right person for me. You know, bad timing. I haven’t been at the right places at the right time. But what about women that are single in their late 40’s and 50’s that have never been married? Is it all just ‘bad timing’?

I’ve read articles that say that women need to be more open. For me, that is a check in the box. I will date any creed and any color, as long as I felt a connection. But are other women doing the same? Do you have a long list of “what you want in a man?” What race he should be? What religion? What height? What profession? Hey... These things are important! But realistically, how long can this list be while still having eligible bachelors that qualify?

I believe everyone should have a standard. But some woman have standards that are way too high and quite superficial. For instance, I met a young lady that said she wouldn't date anyone under 6 ft. I was a bit stunned by that. Why the height requirement? What if the guy was 5’11 but absolutely amazing? Nope… she said that she wouldn't budge! I have my own deal-breakers… one that is probably as shallow as the 6 ft. rule. But I think we all have our preferences… we just have to try to remain realistic.

So, I’ve recently looked in the mirror and asked myself. What do I think I can change about myself to help me with potentially meeting someone? What do I think is in my control that I can change to help me in the love department? So, this may sound shallow, but the answer came to me in the gym while lusting for this hottie working out. I looked at him and I said to myself “My God! Why have thy forsaken me!” This guy was gorgeous. And I watched him put in the work day after day in the gym. He makes that investment in himself. He puts that time and attention aside for himself... to be fit... to be healthy and it made me admire him. It made me want to do the same for myself.

So, since then, I have been putting more effort in me. People can look at you can tell if you love yourself. If you exude self-confidence. Self-love. Self-happiness. And I am trying to be all encompassing. I believe that maybe this is an element that may have been there before, but now I am letting it cultivate.

As aforementioned, SINGLE-ISM could all be due to timing. However, there are certain things that is in our control. And when we realize that things aren't necessarily going the way we've initially planned, we may have to reanalyze the situation and ask some questions. What can I do to change/improve my certain situation/chances?

No Strings Attached

Casual Dating... 

Without the Emotional Attachment

I am single, so I am trying to do the whole Sex in the City thing. Meet new people. Go out on dates. Weigh my options. Enjoy the ride. Sounds easy, right? Not really. It’s actually a bit harder than I anticipated and the dating scene is a bit sketchy. Before my last relationship I had to kiss a lot of frogs. Now, I am back in line kissing frogs, trying to find my prince once again. Usually it goes one of two ways. 1) He likes me but I don’t like him. 2) He doesn’t like me but I like him. With the latter being more disappointing, I wish I could avoid both scenarios all together. But we all know that it’s inevitable. Finding someone that likes you just as much as you like them is like Mission Impossible.

Currently, I am dating someone. I like him. So far. I am not sure about how much he likes me, but for the purposes of this blog, let’s assume our feelings are mutual. So, you may ask, what is my problem? Attachment... one of my humanly foibles.

I am trying to resist the urge to latch on to him like a spider-monkey.

While dating him has been revitalizing, I am in a bit of an awkward phase. Here is the thing… he seems pretty normal. He owns his own business. He owns multiple properties. He has a pretty decent sense of humor. He is attractive. And he is showing some interest in me. On paper, he looks dynamite! I can’t really say much more than that because we are just getting to know each other. So, here is the double edged sword in this process - We are taking things slow. I mean slow slow. We talk on the phone about three times a week. We see each other once a week and it has been the most casual dating experience I’ve ever had. In my past relationships, I would rush in head first but this time I want to do things differently. I want to gradually introduce someone into my life. I want to really get to know him for who he is versus the illusion of him that I make up in my mind. (You know… how we tend to romanticize a person... making him a knight in shining armor here to rescue me when he really may just be a jerk.) It is a bit confusing as to why he is allowing things to go so slowly. The thought has occurred that maybe he isn’t that in to me. But even if he isn’t that into me, I want to be okay with that. I want to be okay with dating just to have fun without expecting a long term relationship. 

Because he is so normal (meaning he has yet to show any sign of crazy) and I have a good time with him, I want to latch on to him. I haven’t dated someone in so long that I forgot how it felt to be admired. I forgot how it felt to feel special. But as I sit in my room writing this blog, I know one thing is clear… I need to fucking chill. I realized that if I like someone, and he appears to like me, I want to go for the goal. I feel myself becoming attached. And it’s apparent that I am not attached to the person but rather the idea of him. I want to know why he doesn’t call me more, and the thought that he could be dating someone else made me want to cut things off with him. But why? (This is a question that I keep asking myself.) Why am I upset if someone doesn’t show me the attention that I want right away? Why would I be upset if he is dating other people? We are not in a relationship. We are just trying to get to know each other.

Sex in the City didn’t prepare me for this… dating with no strings attached. Dating with no commitment. No obligations. We are just having fun. I can’t deny it, I am hungry for a deeper connection. But I guess it’s all in due time with the right person. Is he the right person? I don’t know. Probably not. But for right now, I enjoy his company. In the meantime, I’ll keep reminding myself that this need I have to be constantly adorned by him is something I need to work out with myself. No spider-monkey latching on. No limerence here on this end. I am trying to learn how to manage relationships and I guess this is a good start. One thing I do know for sure... there is no way in hell I plan on sleeping with this guy unless we decide to be mutually exclusive. Like Patti (from Millionaire Match Maker) says "No Sex Before Monogamy"... at least for now. 

Blind Spot

Blind Spot - The Illusion of Love

In my 28 years of life I've seen a lot of fucked up relationships. I, myself, have been in a few relationships that really should’ve never been. My mother separated from her husband and, although I wasn’t born yet to witness it, my grandmother separated from her husband too. So I didn’t necessarily have great relationship role models to look up to. However, my mother taught me one valuable lesson – if it isn’t working, leave.

After observing many relationships and being that I am much wiser now, I know so much more about what a good relationship should consist of. Right now, if a guy wanted to date me, there would have to be no games involved. Of course, the first few weeks may have a little bit of fuzz, because that is the time you initially spend getting to know each other. But after a couple months, if you want me, your actions should say it all. I don't plan on guessing about your feelings for me. I don't want to read between any lines. You shouldn't tell me how much you want to be with me... you should show me. Of course, there will be some guys that will only want to be casual friends, and I am fine with that too. As long as he is honest about it. But when it comes to playing games with my heart… Frankly, I don't have time for that shit! And ladies - neither should you!

I think most able-minded people know when they are not in a good relationship. Most people know when they are chasing a hopeless dream. Most people know when the person they are interested in is a bit shady. But what keeps them in these relationships? What keeps people pursuing someone that they know isn’t good for them? Someone that you know doesn't have your best interest in mind? Yes, some people are attracted to the "bad boy" type. The guys/girls that you know will ultimately break your heart. I was too… when I was like 16!!!! But for a fruitful, loving, long lasting relationship… why do we entertain those that we know will only cause havoc in our lifes?

I know there are always exceptions to the rule, but when I look at my friends and family members who I believe are in healthy relationships, I can see the compatibility. I can see the love. I look at them and I am left in awe of how the universe created these two people that are nearly perfect for one another. And then, there are my friends and family members who are going after men/women who they know deep down aren't good for them. And all I can do is grin and smile because when it comes to affairs of the heart people aren’t rationale and disregard outside advice. You can tell them over and over "look, we saw him at dinner with another woman making out in the back seat of his car… You should probably leave this guy!" and they still won't budge. They'll talk to him. Get mad. He'll make promises to change. And like clockwork... She is blinded again.

I've seen women, even from a young age, settle. Settle for the next best thing. Settle for the first man that pays them attention. Settle for the closest thing that resembles love. Deep down, they may know he isn't the right person for them. Deep down, they know that they deserve better. But they decided to stay. 

Desperation.

Desperation is a motherfucker. Most people won't admit they are desperate. Some people won't even realize it until they have the chance to look back on a situation. But why else would you settle for someone that treats you poorly? Why else will you accept mediocrity? Is it because you are afraid that you will probably never meet anyone else?

One thing I know for sure is that God, The Universe, The Higher Energy (or whatever you want to call it) is working with you. And I know that the Universe didn’t create you just to leave you stuck in a miserable relationship. What’s the point of that? I mean… think of the real reasons of a relationship – love, happiness, companionship, support, friendship, and stability. If a relationship is bringing you more pain than joy, you need to reevaluate things. A relationship shouldn’t be forced in order to fill some void. If it feels like the Universe is trying to pull you two apart, why fight it?

Self-esteem has a lot to do with it and unfortunately for women, men are hunters... They can smell your vulnerability from a mile away. They prey on it. When I first met my ex, he said everything that would help let my guard down. Guys will tell you whatever you want to hear in the first few weeks or months of dating. While some will actually mean what they say, a lot of them will not. So I encourage taking your time when dating. Approach it as if he or she is a friend that you are trying to get to know better. Try to really get to know the person. And if you are someone who attaches your vagina to your heart, try to wait a while before having sex.  With my ex, I wish I would have waited longer before jumping in head first. I wish I would have tried to know him for who he truly was versus what we wanted to represent. This probably would have prevented some heart break for me.

Why settle for someone who doesn’t love you when you can find someone that loves you unconditionally?

Why settle with someone who doesn’t call you when you can find someone who can’t go a single day without finding out how your day has been?

Why settle for someone who only wants to get to know you on the surface level when you can find someone that wants to know your deepest fears so that he can prevent these fears from happening?

Why settle for someone who only looks out for his best interest when you can find someone who considers you when he is making plans for his future?

The proof is in the pudding. I am a strong believer that if you have to question if its love, it’s not. There is nothing confusing about love. It should feel natural and unforced. As cliché as it sounds, it should truly fit in your life like a missing puzzle piece.

When it comes to love, or more so - the illusion of it, some people form a blind spot. They can’t see the person for who he/she truly is. Love often times is accompanied with denial. But the heart never lies. Sometimes you get that feeling that won’t go away… that feeling that something is not right. And as much as you try to ignore it, suppress it, prove that it wrong… IT WILL NOT BUDGE. Sometimes we are afraid of acknowledging this feeling due to a fear of being alone. But I believe the universe is telling you not to settle because they have something even better in store for you. Someone that is your true soul mate. The best is yet to come.

For my blog about Limerence, the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, please click here.

To All My Single Ladies

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." - Sex in the City







The obstacles we face day to day.


It’s single awareness season. You can’t run from it, because it’s all over your newsfeed. Everyday friends are posting new pictures of their coupledom, and changing their relationship to engaged or married. And some are even giving birth to little adorable babies… meanwhile, back at the ranch, I…. well…. I am enjoying the single life. [Blank stare]


With all the love in the air, it kind of makes it hard for single women to breathe. I could be patient and wait for that day when I will be in a committed relationship, but its getting a little harder to put these feelings on a backburner because you’re home girls are dropping like flies. If everyone is married or having babies, where will that leave me in a couple years? Well, in order not to get depressed I decided to write about it. I decided to turn my Idiotic Asylum into a haven for the single, the bitter, the stir crazy and the I-don’t-need-a-man-because-I’m--An-Independent-Woman women. This is my journey and you may be able to relate or you may not. But hopefully you will gain something as I discuss things that many women are trying to overcome.


First up… INSECURITIES. My biggest insecurity is my butt. I look at it in the mirror and I curse it. If only my butt were bigger, I would have a man by now! I know it sounds crazy, but this happens when I am looking for something to blame. Well, maybe it’s my walk. I should try to walk sexier. Or maybe it’s my hair; a lot of guys don’t like girls that wear weave. Or maybe I should lose weight. Or maybe it’s my skin tone! You know light skin isn’t ‘in’ anymore!


I have come to the realization that I am single because I just haven’t met the right person yet. I try to find physical flaws about my self and pin point that as the reason. When in all actuality, none of these things matter. I see my friends getting married and I ask myself ‘what’s wrong with me’? But I truly believe that it's simply due to the fact that I haven’t met my match yet. If my flaws were the reason why I am single, then no one would be married because we all are FLAWED.


We all have a potential mate out there. Even if you have a face that only a mother could love. I know I am not the only one who does this, but when you are out you may see a girl who looks busted, and I mean tore up from the floor up, and she has a man! So, then you ask yourself ‘How does she have a man and I don’t?’ It’s because there is someone out here for everyone. Pretty, not so pretty, tall, small, big, fat; there is someone out there for you. So this is why we shouldn’t beat ourselves up, obsessing about our blemishes. Because the right guy for you is going to love you and your blemishes.


What I am trying to belabor is, as single women, we should practice having confidence; remembering that confidence and arrogance are two different things. Know who you are, love who you are and accept who you are.


There are no rules to love. If someone wants you, they want you. You don’t have to do back flips, and you don’t have to study Steve Harvey’s book 'Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man'. You just have to be yourself (while working on being a better YOU each day). Not only that, but you must also know when a guy is just not that into you and learn how to let it go! (And sometimes, we learn the hard way.)


Then there is ‘the place to meet hot guys’ and I have been there. I have been to the happy hours, the clubs, the house parties, meet ups, volunteering, lunch dates... you name it. And I still haven’t met the right person. I do believe it’s important to put yourself out there but I also believe that it will come when you least expect it. Strategically placing yourself in certain environments may increase your chances of meeting someone but ultimately it will happen when it’s meant to happen. You can’t force it to happen. It may take a week, or it may take years, all you can do is wait. And while you’re waiting, I would recommend dating, but just don’t settle.


The older I get, this saying seems to become more and more apposite. ‘Men are like parking spots... All the good ones are taken’. It does seem like all the good ones are taken. And when I say good ones I am referring to the overall GOOD GUY, including looks, ambition, finances, and personality. You can be a great guy but if I am not attracted to you we can’t take anything to the next level. I don’t want to come off as being shallow. Trust, I have dated my share of unattractive guys. And if I am going through this dating process, I would prefer it to be with someone I enjoy looking at. And what I would consider attractive may not be what others consider attractive. At the end, it’s all about what you like as an individual.


And please, take heed to the advice given from your friends. I am sick and tired of my friends giving me dating advice telling me to go after what I want and approach the guy. NO! Why would I do something that is completely out of my character? If you are a girl that doesn’t mind approaching a guy, to each his own. I don’t mind giving a guy hints, or making the first move (i.e. starting a conversation) but I won’t pursue a guy. I would much rather date a guy who pursues me, that is what I like and that’s what I expect from a guy. To be the aggressor.


You can't take advice from all your friends. Do you have that friend who always tells you what she would do if she was in your situation, but she wouldn’t practice what she preached? ‘Girl…. If that was my man, I would have left him a long time ago!’ But she will be the same person who gets beat, cheated on and lied to, and won’t leave her own man… Yeah, don’t listen to girls like her.


Also, don’t let your friends make you feel bad for wanting to be in a relationship. It’s natural to want a companion. And to suppress your feelings isn’t going to necessarily change how you feel. However, I wouldn’t want it to consume you either. Life goes on, whether you have a man or not.


There are many other obstacles that come up when dating other than physical and personality, such as income, spiritual beliefs, distance, age. It’s just a matter of all the pieces fitting nicely in the puzzle. You can’t force it. I believe in letting love find you.