The Army of Negative Thoughts

So this is how it feels to go insane. 

All this time I was expecting a  grand, traumatic event to collapse my rotting stability to dust. How did this happen? Did someone die suddenly? Was she raped? Did she experience trauma in her life?

Not quite. 

Just fickle minded. 

They will look at me through the thick cloudy glass window of the psych ward door, with a pen and pad in hand and scribble 'pathetic' on my evaluation. 

Puzzling to some, but the only trauma I faced was the worldwind of negative thoughts spinning around my head. So many of them, it began to sound like a crowded auditorium right before the show started and the lights were dimmed. They spun around so fast, and so randomly that they started colliding into one another. The words were no longer coherent. Just tormenting. Relentless. 

I felt like I was going insane. 

SHUT THE FUCK UP! 

That worked. For a second. Picked up the phone. Texted him “ Can’t sleep”. No response. I need to keep my mind occupied. Sent several other text messages out. “Are you up?” No response.  I need to talk. I need to distract myself from this. Is this happening because my period is on? Is this happening because I am miserable at work? Is this happening because I am scared that he’s going to be just like the rest of them? 

UNIVERSE! Work with me. 

Boom. Got a text back. My good friend, Phil. Supportive. Grounded. He’s experienced many hardships in his life. Phil, help me. My life is changing and I can’t recognize it. My dad just moved away. I am working at a job I hate… with no friends… I feel alone. Phil reminds me that change is hard. Thank you, Phil. I never realized how hard change could be. Seriously.

Knock knock. My roommate is at my bedroom door. Its 1:48 AM. She’s checking on me. I am crying. How can I stop these negative thoughts? I say the same thing to her that I told Phil, but I go into more detail regarding my potential future boyfriend. My roommate says positive words. At this point, I realize the thoughts have subdued. She sleeps in my bed with me. 

I lay there.

What’s happening to me? Who can understand this? Am I doing this to myself? I am driving myself insane?

YES.

Under the surface...

How little worth I apply to myself... Where I constantly feel undeserving. 

How can I slay this dragon. This massive cancer that feeds on my insecurities. If it comes back like a thief in the night, you can no longer retreat. You can no longer run and hide… folding into fetal position.

At last, you will take up arms. You will destroy the demons that conspire to feed on your soul. The smell of vulnerability only intensifies their hunger.

Carry your sword. Stab every negative thought in the heart. Not only are you the king, but you are the queen, the rooks, and the bishop AND you are also the knights. Protect every morsel of your being. Rule on a throne pure and forgiving. Cut out cancers. Ignore them when they call. You are on your way to infinite bliss, and can no longer be distracted.

You have been crowned. Protect the realm.

No Strings Attached

Casual Dating... 

Without the Emotional Attachment

I am single, so I am trying to do the whole Sex in the City thing. Meet new people. Go out on dates. Weigh my options. Enjoy the ride. Sounds easy, right? Not really. It’s actually a bit harder than I anticipated and the dating scene is a bit sketchy. Before my last relationship I had to kiss a lot of frogs. Now, I am back in line kissing frogs, trying to find my prince once again. Usually it goes one of two ways. 1) He likes me but I don’t like him. 2) He doesn’t like me but I like him. With the latter being more disappointing, I wish I could avoid both scenarios all together. But we all know that it’s inevitable. Finding someone that likes you just as much as you like them is like Mission Impossible.

Currently, I am dating someone. I like him. So far. I am not sure about how much he likes me, but for the purposes of this blog, let’s assume our feelings are mutual. So, you may ask, what is my problem? Attachment... one of my humanly foibles.

I am trying to resist the urge to latch on to him like a spider-monkey.

While dating him has been revitalizing, I am in a bit of an awkward phase. Here is the thing… he seems pretty normal. He owns his own business. He owns multiple properties. He has a pretty decent sense of humor. He is attractive. And he is showing some interest in me. On paper, he looks dynamite! I can’t really say much more than that because we are just getting to know each other. So, here is the double edged sword in this process - We are taking things slow. I mean slow slow. We talk on the phone about three times a week. We see each other once a week and it has been the most casual dating experience I’ve ever had. In my past relationships, I would rush in head first but this time I want to do things differently. I want to gradually introduce someone into my life. I want to really get to know him for who he is versus the illusion of him that I make up in my mind. (You know… how we tend to romanticize a person... making him a knight in shining armor here to rescue me when he really may just be a jerk.) It is a bit confusing as to why he is allowing things to go so slowly. The thought has occurred that maybe he isn’t that in to me. But even if he isn’t that into me, I want to be okay with that. I want to be okay with dating just to have fun without expecting a long term relationship. 

Because he is so normal (meaning he has yet to show any sign of crazy) and I have a good time with him, I want to latch on to him. I haven’t dated someone in so long that I forgot how it felt to be admired. I forgot how it felt to feel special. But as I sit in my room writing this blog, I know one thing is clear… I need to fucking chill. I realized that if I like someone, and he appears to like me, I want to go for the goal. I feel myself becoming attached. And it’s apparent that I am not attached to the person but rather the idea of him. I want to know why he doesn’t call me more, and the thought that he could be dating someone else made me want to cut things off with him. But why? (This is a question that I keep asking myself.) Why am I upset if someone doesn’t show me the attention that I want right away? Why would I be upset if he is dating other people? We are not in a relationship. We are just trying to get to know each other.

Sex in the City didn’t prepare me for this… dating with no strings attached. Dating with no commitment. No obligations. We are just having fun. I can’t deny it, I am hungry for a deeper connection. But I guess it’s all in due time with the right person. Is he the right person? I don’t know. Probably not. But for right now, I enjoy his company. In the meantime, I’ll keep reminding myself that this need I have to be constantly adorned by him is something I need to work out with myself. No spider-monkey latching on. No limerence here on this end. I am trying to learn how to manage relationships and I guess this is a good start. One thing I do know for sure... there is no way in hell I plan on sleeping with this guy unless we decide to be mutually exclusive. Like Patti (from Millionaire Match Maker) says "No Sex Before Monogamy"... at least for now.