Gut Feelings

*** Something I wrote after my break-up with my ex-boyfriend. I initially wrote it on 05/24/14. But I decided to post it now ***

My biggest fear use to be that I would die alone. It’s not my biggest fear anymore. I think I have accepted that this may be my future. There are no violins. This isn't a blog entry of me accepting the circumstances of my pity party, but a realization. A realization that I feel in the pit of my stomach.

When I was 12 years old, my mother became a live in nurse. She worked in Key Largo, which was about 2 hours from where we lived. She would only come home on the weekends. And she worked there until I was 18 years old. Since my brother was too young to take care of himself, my mother took him with her. When I was about 15 years old my sister moved out. There were plenty nights were I was home alone in a 4 bedroom house. I remember how scared I would get if I heard a noise, and I would just lay in my bed praying throughout the night.

During that time, I can’t remember feeling lonely. However, after college loneliness would be a feeling that I would be all too familiar with. It use to sit in my stomach, and grew as my anxiety intensified. After college, life became a mess of intensified religious practices, self-doubt and an unsatisfied desire to be accepted. Discovering. Learning. Lonely. I remember when I rented my first one bedroom apartment after moving to the DC area for my job. I would wake up in the middle of the night and have panic attacks. I was more than a thousand miles away from my family. My family that was used to growing and living life without me. And while the obvious resolution would be for me just to move back home... it’s not that simple. Distance does more than create loneliness. It also creates differences. And most of the time I am visiting I dread it. Why? That is another story all together. But after my mother died, the family fell apart.

I think back at all my relationships and wonder, will there ever be anyone that I can’t live without? Or that one person who needs me in their life? A part of me is happy for the strained relationships in my life because distance means you can’t hurt me. Distance means I am free from the burdens of socialization. I remember a conversation I had with my ex-boyfriend walking through a park. I told him that I don't feel as if any man can every truly love me. I know that sounds bad. I know how it sounds. But its how I feel. I don’t think a husband and children are in my future. I am not sure if I even want it anymore.

Some would say, your still young… you have time. Yeah, yeah. Ever since I was young I knew that I wouldn't be that girl. I wouldn't be that girl who would receive that kind of love. And all my adulthood attempts to imitate that love was forced. Because in the pit of my stomach that feeling would reemerge and it would remind me, what I am and what my life is supposed to be like. No one will ever love you. So I had to start loving myself.

There have been two good things that have come from this… I am stronger. I don’t hate myself anymore. I've accepted who I am. The second thing is that I don’t feel that fear in the pit of my stomach because I accepted that gut feeling.

Dependency is such a crippling thing. Losing yourself when you become close to someone. Someone that you can’t control. Someone that you can never truly understand.

I wish I could see the world from a surface level and have a more ingenuous outlook. But I am plagued. This may be a moment of insecurities overtaking me, but I need to be real. There are women who never get married and never have children. If this happens to me, I don't want to be miserable. I want it to liberate me.

To All My Single Ladies

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." - Sex in the City







The obstacles we face day to day.


It’s single awareness season. You can’t run from it, because it’s all over your newsfeed. Everyday friends are posting new pictures of their coupledom, and changing their relationship to engaged or married. And some are even giving birth to little adorable babies… meanwhile, back at the ranch, I…. well…. I am enjoying the single life. [Blank stare]


With all the love in the air, it kind of makes it hard for single women to breathe. I could be patient and wait for that day when I will be in a committed relationship, but its getting a little harder to put these feelings on a backburner because you’re home girls are dropping like flies. If everyone is married or having babies, where will that leave me in a couple years? Well, in order not to get depressed I decided to write about it. I decided to turn my Idiotic Asylum into a haven for the single, the bitter, the stir crazy and the I-don’t-need-a-man-because-I’m--An-Independent-Woman women. This is my journey and you may be able to relate or you may not. But hopefully you will gain something as I discuss things that many women are trying to overcome.


First up… INSECURITIES. My biggest insecurity is my butt. I look at it in the mirror and I curse it. If only my butt were bigger, I would have a man by now! I know it sounds crazy, but this happens when I am looking for something to blame. Well, maybe it’s my walk. I should try to walk sexier. Or maybe it’s my hair; a lot of guys don’t like girls that wear weave. Or maybe I should lose weight. Or maybe it’s my skin tone! You know light skin isn’t ‘in’ anymore!


I have come to the realization that I am single because I just haven’t met the right person yet. I try to find physical flaws about my self and pin point that as the reason. When in all actuality, none of these things matter. I see my friends getting married and I ask myself ‘what’s wrong with me’? But I truly believe that it's simply due to the fact that I haven’t met my match yet. If my flaws were the reason why I am single, then no one would be married because we all are FLAWED.


We all have a potential mate out there. Even if you have a face that only a mother could love. I know I am not the only one who does this, but when you are out you may see a girl who looks busted, and I mean tore up from the floor up, and she has a man! So, then you ask yourself ‘How does she have a man and I don’t?’ It’s because there is someone out here for everyone. Pretty, not so pretty, tall, small, big, fat; there is someone out there for you. So this is why we shouldn’t beat ourselves up, obsessing about our blemishes. Because the right guy for you is going to love you and your blemishes.


What I am trying to belabor is, as single women, we should practice having confidence; remembering that confidence and arrogance are two different things. Know who you are, love who you are and accept who you are.


There are no rules to love. If someone wants you, they want you. You don’t have to do back flips, and you don’t have to study Steve Harvey’s book 'Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man'. You just have to be yourself (while working on being a better YOU each day). Not only that, but you must also know when a guy is just not that into you and learn how to let it go! (And sometimes, we learn the hard way.)


Then there is ‘the place to meet hot guys’ and I have been there. I have been to the happy hours, the clubs, the house parties, meet ups, volunteering, lunch dates... you name it. And I still haven’t met the right person. I do believe it’s important to put yourself out there but I also believe that it will come when you least expect it. Strategically placing yourself in certain environments may increase your chances of meeting someone but ultimately it will happen when it’s meant to happen. You can’t force it to happen. It may take a week, or it may take years, all you can do is wait. And while you’re waiting, I would recommend dating, but just don’t settle.


The older I get, this saying seems to become more and more apposite. ‘Men are like parking spots... All the good ones are taken’. It does seem like all the good ones are taken. And when I say good ones I am referring to the overall GOOD GUY, including looks, ambition, finances, and personality. You can be a great guy but if I am not attracted to you we can’t take anything to the next level. I don’t want to come off as being shallow. Trust, I have dated my share of unattractive guys. And if I am going through this dating process, I would prefer it to be with someone I enjoy looking at. And what I would consider attractive may not be what others consider attractive. At the end, it’s all about what you like as an individual.


And please, take heed to the advice given from your friends. I am sick and tired of my friends giving me dating advice telling me to go after what I want and approach the guy. NO! Why would I do something that is completely out of my character? If you are a girl that doesn’t mind approaching a guy, to each his own. I don’t mind giving a guy hints, or making the first move (i.e. starting a conversation) but I won’t pursue a guy. I would much rather date a guy who pursues me, that is what I like and that’s what I expect from a guy. To be the aggressor.


You can't take advice from all your friends. Do you have that friend who always tells you what she would do if she was in your situation, but she wouldn’t practice what she preached? ‘Girl…. If that was my man, I would have left him a long time ago!’ But she will be the same person who gets beat, cheated on and lied to, and won’t leave her own man… Yeah, don’t listen to girls like her.


Also, don’t let your friends make you feel bad for wanting to be in a relationship. It’s natural to want a companion. And to suppress your feelings isn’t going to necessarily change how you feel. However, I wouldn’t want it to consume you either. Life goes on, whether you have a man or not.


There are many other obstacles that come up when dating other than physical and personality, such as income, spiritual beliefs, distance, age. It’s just a matter of all the pieces fitting nicely in the puzzle. You can’t force it. I believe in letting love find you.