I think. Therefore, I am.

First, let me make it clear, I am not a 'Crazy Christian' per say. And after this entry I will try to give religion entry's a rest.

Crazy Christian (noun) – one who protest in front of abortion clinics, adult toy stores, or in front of the White House preaching against homosexuality or the fact that the world is going to end, therefore you must repent.

In all my attempts to avoid ambivalence, I am a crazy Christian. I am a crazy Christian because I believe differently. A lot of my beliefs go against what I should believe. However, I try to challenge the word. I have never been the type to just believe everything someone told me. I challenge the word intellectually, to the best of my ability. Some may say I have little faith, but this is how I build my faith. My goal is to ultimately prove myself wrong and prove that the bible is veracious. I may never be that Christian that does everything right by the book, but in all my getting… I want to get understanding.

I have many questions for God; many questions that may never be answered. I read the bible and I imagine the stories of Noah, Abraham, and Moses, and I marvel at how God openly spoke to them. God walked with Adam through the garden. God walked with Enoch. God wrestled with Jacob. God once made himself very evident to his children. (Maybe he is still present as he was before; it’s just harder for us to notice him these days.)

Another question I ask myself is why is there so many religions? And with everyone believing that their religion is right, is anyone really wrong? There are so many Holy Books. And just from the bible alone you can name copious interpretations.  I believe Gandhi said it the best:

I came to the conclusion long ago … that all religions were true and also that all had some error in them, and whilst I hold by my own, I should hold others as dear as Hinduism. So we can only pray, if we are Hindus, not that a Christian should become a Hindu … But our innermost prayer should be a Hindu should be a better Hindu, a Muslim a better Muslim, a Christian a better Christian. - Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

I believe that every religion serves its purpose and that there is more than just one truth, as ambiguous as that may sound. I would never tell a Muslim that he/she is serving the wrong God, although I am a Christian.

I am sure we all have asked ourselves, if God knew that Adam and Eve were to fall, why did he create them? Why didn't he just make them perfect? Why did he create the evil? Why did he create sin? My way of viewing this is by seeing life as a test. It’s a test of character. It is a test of faith. We are in this world to learn about him while learning about ourselves. Does it not take for one to be able to love himself before he can love God? Does it not take for one to be able to love God before he can love himself?

I don’t thank God for my existence. Not to sound melancholy, but if I was never created, I would not have known anything, so I wouldn't be able to miss it. But since God did create me, I try to get an understanding of 'why'? What is my purpose on this earth? (And as a side-note: Many people consider their job as a clear indication as to what their purpose on earth is. i.e. I am a doctor so my purpose on earth is to save lives. This may be true; however, you must remember that Jesus was a carpenter. Yet, that was not his purpose on this earth. Your purpose on earth may not have anything to do with your job. But rather what happens outside of your job.)

What does God expect from us? How could he expect patience from me when I was given an irascible temperament? (Many of our traits are embedded in our DNA, while some are based off of our environment during childhood development). How does God expect those attracted to the same sex (homosexuals) to live as heterosexuals? Did they ask for this desire or were they born like this? I know many would not agree with this but, at times, I have sympathy for serial killers, pedophiles and other such menaces to society. To live with a desire that you cannot control has to be tormenting, especially if you want nothing more than to be normal. Many people would say that they can just learn how to control themselves. But when you exam yourself, and you look closely at your own habits, you will see that there are things that even you are compulsive about that you can’t control in your own life. Although they may not be as severe as a pedophile or a serial killer's compulses, they are just as hard to control (i.e. over eating, drug abuse, cheating, stealing). We all have our demons. Some demons are uglier than others.

I can aver that there is a God. But I cannot say what religion is the right religion. Christianity has served me well, but just as the world has different languages the world will have different religions. Maybe this is how God intended for us to be. As long as you believe in something, they are all commensurate in some way, shape or form… right?  You pray to Allah and you feel a connection. You feel his love. You receive his blessings. How can I say that your faith is invalid?

I worship God as Truth only. I have not yet found Him, but I am seeking after Him. - Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

I am sure my pastor will disagree with me, but this is my view point.

I think doubt, therefore, I am.