The Great Wall

“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in.”

― Shannon L. Alder 

My manager was telling my team and I that his daughter is super feisty. He talked about how his daughter fights back whenever he or his wife tries to discipline her. And then he looks at me and says “She reminds me a lot of you”.  I guess that is a good thing... that I remind him of his daughter.. even if it's only because I am feisty. 

I am a lot of things. And who I am, has been some wonderful combination of genetics and my environment. I can be hard to handle. Hard to read. Hard to deal with. But most of it is what I pretend to be. There is so much more that comes with behavior... a back story that others often know nothing about. The reason why I am the way I am and why I respond the way I respond. I am sure you have a story too. We all do. 

Oh yes, I am a feisty one. I think it’s from me growing up a bit isolated and not really understanding social norms. Not to mention I was relentlessly bullied as a child in elementary and middle school. I had no friends in elementary until 4th grade. My older sister tormented me at home. I truly felt worthless and alone. What was the point of living a life where you were constantly being bullied? I was broken and my mother couldn't even see it. So, now, when I am interacting with motherfuckers on a daily basis, my childhood is the only thing I can think of as to why I am so defensive now. 

Sometimes, it isn't as simple as 1, 2, 3. Sometimes we look at people and we think we know what makes them tick. What drives them. What keeps them going. We see someone respond a certain way and we think we have an idea as to why. But we really don't. Unless we live in that persons brain, we really have no idea why he or she may react or behave the way he/she does. And that is the point I want to get across... I know this sounds cliché but I honestly feel like I am misunderstood, I know many of us are.

 I’m enigmatic, for sure. I can tell why I am hard to decipher. But I really don’t mean any harm. I have my own internal shit that I battle on a daily basis. I have my own demons dancing in my brain. Every day I am trying not to jump off the 13^th floor.

There are times, when I want to be excited. I want to be happy. But something inside me stops me from smiling. Something inside of me tells me to not get so excited because I don’t want to get hurt. Because I didn’t want to look stupid at the end. It makes absolutely no sense at all. But that inner voice wins most of the time. This holiday season my grandmother came to stay with me for a month. During that month, I probably hugged her twice. I wanted to hug her, but something told me not to. So I just told myself that I would hug her before she left. And the day she got on her flight, I didn’t get a chance to hug her. Now, I am thinking “what if that was my last chance to hug my grandmother?” Why didn’t I just fucking hug her while she was at my house? Why was it hard for me to show affection to my own grandmother? What was I afraid of?

You see… this is shit that goes on in my brain. When I have friends or family visit me I try not to get excited because I don’t want to go from a very emotional high to an emotional low. I start thinking about shit that is irrelevant. Like, what if we argue on this trip? What if this person gets mad at me? So I try to numb myself before it happens. I get stressed easily and then I shut down. If only you could live inside my mind for a day. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

What you see on the outside, usually is different from what is going on internally. While I am an emotional person and very expressive about my emotions, there are some things that shut me down and it’s hard for me to step out of that. Yes, I am feisty. But most of the time it’s just me trying to protect myself. I constant have my guard up and I don’t know why, exactly. I am working on it.

Praying Is Not Enough

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.

- Octavia Butler

When I went through my break up, I remember telling my friends via a group text message that the relationship was over. My friends expressed a lot of concern, through text message, with some saying that they would pray for me. I can always use a prayer, especially if there is a higher power listening. But at that moment, praying for me was not enough. Actually, I feel like my friends don’t have to tell me they are praying for me. If you are going to pray, just do it. It is between you and God. Telling me “I am going to pray for you” via text message doesn't really do anything for me when I am feeling down and out.

While I don’t want to sound unappreciative, I believe only stating the cliché line “I WILL PRAY FOR YOU” when a friend is in need is a cop-out. Don’t just pray for me. Pick up the phone and call me. Talk to me. Find out how I am doing. Come visit me. 

One thing we all have on this earth is time. And when you give someone your time, it speaks volumes. It’s the greatest gift you can give someone. Especially when they are in need of a friend. I use to be guilty of the same thing (and I am still not perfect at it). Texting is so convenient and it takes only a few seconds but it isn't enough when you have a friend in need.

After college, I had a friend that randomly texted me "I love you" and it immediately raised red flags. Why? Because she is not an overly emotional or expressive person, which is why I became worried. Something told me that she was reaching out for help. So, I stopped what I was doing and I called her. During our conversation she told me about her depression and that none of her other friends realized that she was crying out for help. At that moment, I was so glad that I called her. While I didn't know it at the time, a few years later I discovered that she tried to commit suicide around that time. I can only imagine how I would have felt if I didn’t call her that night and she ended her life. I don’t know if I could have ever forgiven myself.

Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect at reaching out to my friends and family but I am working on being better. I've blogged about this before, but I see it happen time and time again in group messages where a friend reaches out to everyone about something troubling that has occurred in their life and everyone responds with an "I’ll pray for you” or "I hope you feel better" and continues to go about their day. While I am sure God (and the person in need) appreciates your prayers, I am sure they both would appreciate it more if you picked up the phone and called the person… or got in the car and drove to see that person. Remember, the best gift you can give someone is your time. It’s free.