When someone shows you who they are... believe them!

It’s easy to get caught up in the game. The whisperings of sweet nothings in your ear. This guy seems too good to be true. And he is coming on so strong… but why shouldn’t he? You’re worth it! He is giving you the attention that you need and everything looks good on paper. You didn’t want to like him, and eventually you fall… and you fall hard. Sometimes the guy is who he says he is and other times... well... let's just say he could be blowing smoke.


People can only hide their true colors for so long. And if the guy your messing with is flaky... Eventually his actions won’t back his words up. And this is when you need to separate potential from reality. Yeah, he has the potential to be the man he claimed to be, but reality is… he isn’t.


My friend, who I will call Tiffany, was set-up with a guy through one of her co-workers. Before they meet in person, they talked on the phone for several days. Tiffany was really feeling this guy. Tiffany always knew how she wanted to be treated and he fell right into place as 'Mr. Charming'. He appeared to be supportive, non-judgmental and willing to communicate any difference they may or could possible have in the future. They talked everyday and she was getting use to him being a part of her daily routine. Before Tiffany went to meet him, she said to me ‘This is too good to be true. This guy is a bit older, established in his career, financial secure, and never been married,’ Tiffany and him shared similar cultures, valued the same ideologies and had many other things in common.


Well, I coached Tiffany before her first date… ‘Be you! Be confident!’ and that’s what Tiffany tried to do. Unfortunately, the guy seemed to be the opposite of what he made himself out to be. Before the initial date, he stressed how important ‘respect’ was to him and how he valued being able to communicate in order to work out differences. On the contrary, he was quite disrespectful to Tiffany. Tiffany, being a non-confrontational person, tried to look over his rude remarks… she felt as if maybe she was reading too much into the things he was saying. But as the night progressed, it was clear… this guy was not who he claimed to be. She kept wondering what happened to the guy on the phone? The guy who she had so much in common with? The one who valued the same things she did?


Well, Tiffany… that guy was just a front. A cover-up. Yep, Tiffany was bamboozled. And although she realized that this guy was a bi-polar, narcissus, pervert… she was waiting for the night to get better. She was waiting for him to be the guy she thought he would be. But that never happened.


Anyway, after meeting him, Tiff was ready to drop him like a bad habit. After being in many dysfunctional relationships, Tiff wanted nothing more to do with him. And that’s when the mind games started. He called Tiff explaining to her that he did nothing wrong and that she was over thinking things and that she needed to loosen up a bit. And when that didn’t work he started pointing the finger at Tiffany saying that she was spoiled and high maintenance, and that she thought that it was all about her.


Tiffany, being ingenuous, questioned her own reasoning…. But her friends came back with damaging details about what happened on the date to remind her of why she should never talk to him again. After a week of debating on whether or not she should eliminate this guy (or not) from her life, Tiff decided it was a wrap! Throw a bow on it. When someone show’s you who they are believe them. Anyone can tell you that they are kind, loving, God fearing, gentle, and so forth. But what you need to do is listen to the actions and not their words.


Although, I have never met the guy, from what I hear, he may just be a psychopath. A master of disguise to the people he is closest to. But Tiff got a rare glimpse of who he truly is and that should be enough for her to run in the opposite direction… FAST! Track & Flied Olympian Gold Metal Fast!

2 Cents 2 Many

In my attempt to seek self liberation, I have decided to write about my journey to self acceptance. To some readers, self acceptance may not correlate with the title. However, it is all too apposite.

I am a people pleaser. I am passive aggressive. I lack satisfactory communication skills when facing conflict. And I give one damn too many in regards to what people think of me.

Conflict cripples me. I shut down. I shut out. And I get stuck in time. The world keeps revolving. Time keeps ticking. But I am stuck. I replay the situation over and over and over again. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. What could I have done differently? What could I have said differently? How could I have avoided the situation entirely? And then it starts to eat at me. I question myself. I question my relationships and then the depression kicks in.

Now with me, I have a tendency to go AWAL. I shut people out when I feel this way. Regardless if it makes the situation worse, it’s the only way I know how to handle it. I image what the person may think of me, and in my mind, their opinions start to define me. In my attempts to put an end to these mental breakdowns, I started asking myself questions. Why are you responding to the situation like this? And this is when ish started to get real. This required self awareness and I tried to analysis myself as I went through this episode of conflict.

I discovered that I react like this because I care too much about what people think… and this is due to lack of love and respect for myself. I shouldn’t need someone’s approval to live my life. I shouldn’t need to feel accepted by the people around me in order to accept myself. I try to please people. I want everyone to be happy with me, and at the end I always end up pissing someone off in the process. As my sister would say, ‘this is a vicious cycle’. However, it is to the point where I have lost touch with parts of me. I can see myself becoming more of what I think people want me to be. Now, discovering this about myself is only half of the battle. What can I do to fix this?

I can learn how to communicate. I can say how I feel and not ask for permission. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am 26 years old, and I have been taking care of myself for a long time. So, why do I need other peoples blessing in my life? Well, It is nice to have support and someone to stand by you, but at what cost?

In many situations I feel misunderstood. And we all have moments where our actions have been mistaken for something entirely antipode to what we intended. But in my world, this occurs to often in my case. And I have realized that this occurs because somewhere, I have missed a step in communication. It all can be a side effect of not being able to speak up for myself, or not knowing how to communicate in situations where I feel as if the person is expecting something from me outside of what I want to accomplish.


Dwelling about the situation would have to be my greatest down fall. When you play the situation over and over in your mind, you tend to over analyse. And majority of the time, your analysis of what triggered the other person will be incorrect.

THE CURE

So my first plan of action is to stop asking for permission. It’s my life.

People-pleasers often worry that after they say no, the fallout will be catastrophic. But as Newman said, “the fallout is never as bad as we think it is.” In fact, “it’s usually very insignificant.” Why? For starters, “people are not thinking about you as much as you think.” Usually after you say no, a person is more focused on who they’ll be asking next to help them than your so-called betrayal, she said. - 
MARGARITA TARTAKOVSKY

Second plan of action will be to be confident. Walk boldly. Talk boldly. Say what I mean and mean what I say. Words have meaning. And I want to be calculated with my speech. I don't want to leave any room for interpretation. I want to lay things out on the table (politely), no beating around the bush.

Third plan of action will be accepting the fact that I can’t please everybody and really stop trying to.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

– Bill Cosby 

"People-pleasers yearn for outside validation. Their ‘personal feeling of security and self-confidence is based on getting the approval of others,’ said Linda Tillman, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Atlanta, GA and assertiveness expert. Thus, at the core, people-pleasers lack confidence, she said. 

They worry how others will view them when they say no. “People don’t want to be seen as lazy, uncaring, selfish or totally egocentric,” Newman said. They fear “they’ll be disliked and cut from the group,” whether it’s friends, family or co-workers. "

- MARGARITA TARTAKOVSKY

And lastly, I will love myself. Although, this has never been my priority, it will be now. And I will fake it until I make it. If no one on this earth loves me, at least I will love myself.

So… with that being said… I am ready to live my life... if that's okay with you? LOL.

For do I now seek the favor of men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ. Galatioans 1:10

Recommended reading: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/21-tips-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser/all/1/