Gut Feelings

*** Something I wrote after my break-up with my ex-boyfriend. I initially wrote it on 05/24/14. But I decided to post it now ***

My biggest fear use to be that I would die alone. It’s not my biggest fear anymore. I think I have accepted that this may be my future. There are no violins. This isn't a blog entry of me accepting the circumstances of my pity party, but a realization. A realization that I feel in the pit of my stomach.

When I was 12 years old, my mother became a live in nurse. She worked in Key Largo, which was about 2 hours from where we lived. She would only come home on the weekends. And she worked there until I was 18 years old. Since my brother was too young to take care of himself, my mother took him with her. When I was about 15 years old my sister moved out. There were plenty nights were I was home alone in a 4 bedroom house. I remember how scared I would get if I heard a noise, and I would just lay in my bed praying throughout the night.

During that time, I can’t remember feeling lonely. However, after college loneliness would be a feeling that I would be all too familiar with. It use to sit in my stomach, and grew as my anxiety intensified. After college, life became a mess of intensified religious practices, self-doubt and an unsatisfied desire to be accepted. Discovering. Learning. Lonely. I remember when I rented my first one bedroom apartment after moving to the DC area for my job. I would wake up in the middle of the night and have panic attacks. I was more than a thousand miles away from my family. My family that was used to growing and living life without me. And while the obvious resolution would be for me just to move back home... it’s not that simple. Distance does more than create loneliness. It also creates differences. And most of the time I am visiting I dread it. Why? That is another story all together. But after my mother died, the family fell apart.

I think back at all my relationships and wonder, will there ever be anyone that I can’t live without? Or that one person who needs me in their life? A part of me is happy for the strained relationships in my life because distance means you can’t hurt me. Distance means I am free from the burdens of socialization. I remember a conversation I had with my ex-boyfriend walking through a park. I told him that I don't feel as if any man can every truly love me. I know that sounds bad. I know how it sounds. But its how I feel. I don’t think a husband and children are in my future. I am not sure if I even want it anymore.

Some would say, your still young… you have time. Yeah, yeah. Ever since I was young I knew that I wouldn't be that girl. I wouldn't be that girl who would receive that kind of love. And all my adulthood attempts to imitate that love was forced. Because in the pit of my stomach that feeling would reemerge and it would remind me, what I am and what my life is supposed to be like. No one will ever love you. So I had to start loving myself.

There have been two good things that have come from this… I am stronger. I don’t hate myself anymore. I've accepted who I am. The second thing is that I don’t feel that fear in the pit of my stomach because I accepted that gut feeling.

Dependency is such a crippling thing. Losing yourself when you become close to someone. Someone that you can’t control. Someone that you can never truly understand.

I wish I could see the world from a surface level and have a more ingenuous outlook. But I am plagued. This may be a moment of insecurities overtaking me, but I need to be real. There are women who never get married and never have children. If this happens to me, I don't want to be miserable. I want it to liberate me.

Are we egging his house or nah?

When I was younger, my mother use to tell me that I had too many friends. I couldn't understand how someone could have too many friends? At the time, the only thing you really expected from your friends were to eat lunch with you and talk all night on the phone about who you had a crush on. Albeit, I would find myself in weird transitions where I had a few rocky patches regarding making friends. Starting a new school, it took a while for me to meet friends. In college, it took me two tears to make solid, dependable friendships. After college, I realized that making friends became a lot harder. In the real world, people have so many other commitments that they cannot spend their time crying with you after your then-boyfriend broke your heart. Yes… I just made this about me!

Well, prime example. My then boyfriend, now known as THE WORSE, broke up with me… I balled for maybe five days straight. I cried so much that my cheeks started burning due to all the salt in my tears. I had my cousin hostage on the phone for over four hours a day. And while my cousin was definitely a rock for me, in the back of my mind all I could think about was “where the fuck are my friends?” Where was the mob to join me on an ice cream binge, or look at the pictures of all his ex-girlfriend’s only to tell me how much prettier I am compared to them? Where were my friends that would put a towel over their shoulder and say, “Hey, here, feel free to drool on me for a few hours as you sob”? As an adult, friendships require a bit more than just having someone to eat lunch with it. A friend is someone that you could talk to, someone who you feel comfortable with, someone you can trust and share your intimate secrets with, someone who would drive past your boyfriends house to spy on him with you, someone who would give you a place to hideout when the police are looking for you... you know?

At my age, in the real world, people have their own problems. And while I wanted so desperately to kick and scream ‘I HAVE NO FRIENDS’ followed by throwing myself down a flight of stairs, I resisted. I realized that as you age, friends start to serve different purposes and that not everyone is going to dedicate that time to you. While I was hurting, I realized that my friends had their own problems and that they would not be dropping everything to be at my side. Not that ‘having your own problems’ is any excuse to not be there for your friend… because trust me, during this time I realized truly, how many friends I had. Not including the "friends" who only called me to find out how the break-up happened versus calling me to see how I was doing.

I am learning that some struggles you will have to face alone. And luckily for me, while I did not have many friends in my corner, I had two or three good women by my side. I had two or three friends who would listen to me tell the same story incessantly of how he broke my heart. And I realized for the first time what my mother was telling me all along… I had too many friends. I had quantity and not quality. And while I enjoyed hanging out with many of my DC peeps… I realized that many of them were just that… someone to hang out with. Friends are hard to come by and I am realizing that you shouldn't label everyone you talk to as a friend. My mentor in college told me to call my classmate my classmate, call my coworker my coworker, call my roommate my roommate and only call your friends your friends.

I still have many friends, about 15 people who I would most definitely want to be bridesmaids (I know… that is tacky but so what) in my wedding. And most of these friends are people that I met before and during college. I cherish my friends and I realized that life has taken us on different journeys so while they may not be there for me during my darkest hour; I know that if they could – they would. And those who don’t have your best interest at heart, well… you can just drop them. You can’t pick your family but you determine whom you consider a friend.

And before I end this random entry, I want to suggest that next time a friend seems like they need some emotional support, pick up the phone and call them or invite them out to lunch. Texting is cool but sometimes it is not enough. Sometimes just saying 'I will pray for you' is not enough. Your friend is worth it.

Dirty Words

What is 'freedom of speech' when you have to constantly be politically correct?

There are words and phrases in America that aspiring politicians or government workers can never utter. I call these words and phrases DIRTY. In America, we have made some phrases appear to be more like an oxymoron. For example, when India and Iran’s former leaders stated that they wanted 'nuclear weapons of peace', the US government criticized their aspirations. While I am not very knowledgeable about the true reasons as to why other countries would like to obtain a nuclear weapon, I agree with their statements: Nuclear Weapons of peace. Before you go off the rocker, think about it. Iran building a nuclear weapon to attack the US? I doubt it. If they tried, the US has the ability to wipe Persia and their neighbors off the map. Is America afraid of Iran potentially attacking us? I highly doubt it. If so, I don't see it happening in the next 20 years…. At least.

The problem with Iran having nuclear power is not the threat of attack or the lingering fear of imminent doom but rather the threat of them being on equally playing field with the high powers of the world. You cannot just push a country with a nuclear bomb in the corner. If they have these abilities, it means you then have to take that country seriously. You have to listen to what this country has to say and include them in the conversation. When you have more countries calling shots, it lessens the powers of the USA, Europe and Israel. In my opinion, this is the partial reason as to why the US does not want Iran to advance with nuclear power. What really sucks about my beliefs is that many people will hold them against me. While I love my country, that does not mean I have to agree with the popular beliefs.

If you can love your child but disapprove of your child’s actions, why can't the same go for one's country? Does disagreeing make me less patriotic?

America boost about having many freedoms, but I long for the ability to express my opposing beliefs without fearing that it will jeopardize my career or be seen as me being disloyal to my country... Welp... at least I am not in North Korea.

The First Amendment of the Constitution permits the freedom of speech with limitations. Therefore, no good expression goes unpunished. With freedom of speech comes the freedom to criticize – including the freedom to be offended. I remember sitting at lunch with a few of my coworkers and we were discussing nuclear bombs. I brought up the 'nuclear weapons of peace' comment. Call me ignorant, but I publicly expressed the fact that I agreed. All of this and my coworkers told me that I could not say that. Should I not be able to think for myself and draw my own conclusions? Are we at the point where we can't say anything that may oppose mainstream views? If you do, you will be left feeling dirty inside.

So, I have realized that some expressions and words are considered DIRTY. For instance, I cannot openly tell anyone that I was a fan of the deceased Hugo Chavez (former President of Venezuela) mainly because he did so much for the people living in poverty there. But most Americans cringe if you favor any aspects of communism. Don’t you feel dirty just thinking about it? Most Americans associate communism with dictators and oppression. (But for some reason China gets a pass.)While I am fledging regarding this subject, I do believe that communism is not as bad as America would have us believe. Communism and capitalism are on to opposite sides of the spectrum, but I believe communism is a great way to stabilize a country by uplifting the poor.

Moral of the story: fuck, bitch, shit, ass, and damn are not the only dirty words in this country. Communism, Nuclear Weapons of Peace (not a word but a phrase), Autocracy, and more are considered the new age 'Dirty Words'.