Limerence

Updated 12/3/2014 

If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love. If you haven't had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for forty-five minutes straight, you ain't been in love. If you haven't bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll their ass up in, you ain't been in love. If you haven't practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you ain't been in love. And the only thing that's stopped you from killing this motherfucker was a episode of CSI: "Oh man, they thorough. I better make up. They might catch my ass."

- Chris Rock

UNREQUITED LOVE... 

Love by itself can cause people to do crazy things [and in some cases... people actually go CRAZY]. Now, try adding rejection in the mix of love... Oh... What a tangled web we weave. To love someone and not have the feeling reciprocated; the feeling of unrequited love is unavoidable, and the feeling is quite devastating. So what’s wrong with experiencing unrequited love other than the fact that it leads to depression, anxiety, and insecurities? Why is it that in order to truly love someone, the feeling must be mutual? You would look a bit psycho cathecting someone who has made it clear that they do not share the same feelings. How about when the feeling is mutual... if you could measure love, how likely is it that you would find two individuals that are in love with each other share the exact amount of love for one another? Love is selfish, is it not? Love is also needy. For one to say love isn't needy, well… that would be specious because love needs love in return. Love needs expressions of love and words of love in return. And without the indication that the love you have for someone is requited, one would either fall out of love or be encouraged to do so.

Limerence, a term coined by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov, is considered as a cognitive and emotional state of being emotionally attached or even obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings - a near-obsessive form of romantic love (Wikipedia 2012). So when you are up late night creeping on Facebook, looking through his/her photos, rereading old text messages or emails, checking your phone to make sure it’s ‘working’ just in case the person tries to call, constantly replaying a scene in your head from your last encounter with the person… or even fantasizing about your next rendezvous... well... Those actions can be associated with limerence. This is a form of obsessing. It may not be quite the fatal attraction but nonetheless, it’s an [mild] obsession. 

The main concept of limerence is that the love is unrequited. You are infatuated with someone who does not want you in return. And being as dysfunctional as humans are, we tend to want something more when we can’t have it. In my humble opinion, limerence reveals more than just your desire to be with someone who doesn't want you. It also reveals the way you feel about yourself. I have been there... consistently day dreaming about someone that I knew I could never have (and its unhealthy to say the least). But what limerence really reveals is the way you feel about yourself. During those times in my life where I found myself infatuated with someone who had shown little interest in me, I would have had to say that I was lonely. I lacked self-confidence. I allowed myself to fall into this land of self-pity where my only rescue from the troubles of my life would come from this single person... this single person that did not want me. 

First and foremost Limerence is, a condition of cognitive obsession. Someone experiencing limerence tends to emphasize what is admirable in their desired partner and tend to avoid any negative or problematic attributes that the person may have. Limerence develops and is sustained when there is a certain balance of hope and uncertainty. The base for limerent hope is not in objective reality but reality as it is perceived. The inclination is to sift through nuances of speech and subtleties of behavior for evidence of limerent hope. The components of limerence include intrusive thinking and fantasy, fear of rejection, hope, physical side effects, and sexuality.
"Little things" are noticed and endlessly analyzed for meaning. Such excessive concern over trivia may not be entirely unfounded, however. Body language can indicate a return of feeling. What the limerent object said and did is recalled with vividness. Alternative meanings of those behaviors recalled are searched out. Each word and gesture is permanently available for review, especially those interpreted as evidence in favor of "return of feeling." When objects, people, places or situations are encountered with the limerent object, they are vividly remembered, especially if the limerent object 'interacted' with them in some way.

[Side note: Tennov suggested that the only cure for being in love is to get indisputable evidence that the target of one's love is not interested.]

I think it's very important to reevaluate yourself, your state of mind, and the person you are infatuated with when experiencing limerence. You could be lonely and longing for someone to be in your life... this person may possess a few qualities that you would ideally want to have in your significant other which may cause you to put this person on a pedestal. You are more caught up with the 'idea of having this person' rather than the reality of things. You get caught up in qualities that this person possess, rather than the person himself/herself. 

I over looked many of his 'bad qualities' because I was so wrapped up in the idea of 'us'.

Regardless if the person’s behavior demonstrates that they do not want to be with you... you begin to filter through their words and actions and cling on to any subtle gesture that would suggest that they may be romantically interested. As aforementioned, it's important to exam yourself during this time and to better understand what state of mind you are in when this is going on. Self-love, self-confidence and your self-respect may need to be fine-tuned. You’re worth it, and if that person can't see it, why continue to waste your time?

Even when dealing with uncertainty [rather than unrequited love], remember that love isn't uncertain. So if someone is sending you mix singles, it would be best to walk away from the situation until the person can determine what they want. If someone loves you, it shouldn't be a feeling of uncertainty in the mist of things. From my own experiences, I've learned to not 'read between the lines' when dating (or attempting to date someone). Things should be straight forward. Things should happen naturally. I've always left relationships with a broken heart when I tried to force the feeling of LOVE. Love is not forced, coerced, or confusing, but rather crystal clear.

I must admit, I experience limerence from time to time when I meet someone that appears to be TO GOOD TO BE TRUE [which they usually are]. However, the first step is admitting you have a problem!