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Tuesday, December 30, 2014

No Strings Attached

Casual Dating... 

Without the Emotional Attachment



I am single, so I am trying to do the whole Sex in the City thing. Meet new people. Go out on dates. Weigh my options. Enjoy the ride. Sounds easy, right? Not really. It’s actually a bit harder than I anticipated and the dating scene is a bit sketchy. Before my last relationship I had to kiss a lot of frogs. Now, I am back in line kissing frogs, trying to find my prince once again. Usually it goes one of two ways. 1) He likes me but I don’t like him. 2) He doesn’t like me but I like him. With the latter being more disappointing, I wish I could avoid both scenarios all together. But we all know that it’s inevitable. Finding someone that likes you just as much as you like them is like Mission Impossible.

Currently, I am dating someone. I like him. So far. I am not sure about how much he likes me, but for the purposes of this blog, let’s assume our feelings are mutual. So, you may ask, what is my problem? Attachment... one of my humanly foibles.

I am trying to resist the urge to latch on to him like a spider-monkey.

While dating him has been revitalizing, I am in a bit of an awkward phase. Here is the thing… he seems pretty normal. He owns his own business. He owns multiple properties. He has a pretty decent sense of humor. He is attractive. And he is showing some interest in me. On paper, he looks dynamite! I can’t really say much more than that because we are just getting to know each other. So, here is the double edged sword in this process - We are taking things slow. I mean slow slow. We talk on the phone about three times a week. We see each other once a week and it has been the most casual dating experience I’ve ever had. In my past relationships, I would rush in head first but this time I want to do things differently. I want to gradually introduce someone into my life. I want to really get to know him for who he is versus the illusion of him that I make up in my mind. (You know… how we tend to romanticize a person... making him a knight in shining armor here to rescue me when he really may just be a jerk.) It is a bit confusing as to why he is allowing things to go so slowly. The thought has occurred that maybe he isn’t that in to me. But even if he isn’t that into me, I want to be okay with that. I want to be okay with dating just to have fun without expecting a long term relationship. 

Because he is so normal (meaning he has yet to show any sign of crazy) and I have a good time with him, I want to latch on to him. I haven’t dated someone in so long that I forgot how it felt to be admired. I forgot how it felt to feel special. But as I sit in my room writing this blog, I know one thing is clear… I need to fucking chill. I realized that if I like someone, and he appears to like me, I want to go for the goal. I feel myself becoming attached. And it’s apparent that I am not attached to the person but rather the idea of him. I want to know why he doesn’t call me more, and the thought that he could be dating someone else made me want to cut things off with him. But why? (This is a question that I keep asking myself.) Why am I upset if someone doesn’t show me the attention that I want right away? Why would I be upset if he is dating other people? We are not in a relationship. We are just trying to get to know each other.


Sex in the City didn’t prepare me for this… dating with no strings attached. Dating with no commitment. No obligations. We are just having fun. I can’t deny it, I am hungry for a deeper connection. But I guess it’s all in due time with the right person. Is he the right person? I don’t know. Probably not. But for right now, I enjoy his company. In the meantime, I’ll keep reminding myself that this need I have to be constantly adorned by him is something I need to work out with myself. No spider-monkey latching on. No limerence here on this end. I am trying to learn how to manage relationships and I guess this is a good start. One thing I do know for sure... there is no way in hell I plan on sleeping with this guy unless we decide to be mutually exclusive. Like Patti (from Millionaire Match Maker) says "No Sex Before Monogamy"... at least for now. 


Saturday, December 20, 2014

Blind Spot

Blind Spot - The Illusion of Love

In my 28 years of life I've seen a lot of fucked up relationships. I, myself, have been in a few relationships that really should’ve never been. My mother separated from her husband and, although I wasn’t born yet to witness it, my grandmother separated from her husband too. So I didn’t necessarily have great relationship role models to look up to. However, my mother taught me one valuable lesson – if it isn’t working, leave.

After observing many relationships and being that I am much wiser now, I know so much more about what a good relationship should consist of. Right now, if a guy wanted to date me, there would have to be no games involved. Of course, the first few weeks may have a little bit of fuzz, because that is the time you initially spend getting to know each other. But after a couple months, if you want me, your actions should say it all. I don't plan on guessing about your feelings for me. I don't want to read between any lines. You shouldn't tell me how much you want to be with me... you should show me. Of course, there will be some guys that will only want to be casual friends, and I am fine with that too. As long as he is honest about it. But when it comes to playing games with my heart… Frankly, I don't have time for that shit! And ladies - neither should you!

I think most able-minded people know when they are not in a good relationship. Most people know when they are chasing a hopeless dream. Most people know when the person they are interested in is a bit shady. But what keeps them in these relationships? What keeps people pursuing someone that they know isn’t good for them? Someone that you know doesn't have your best interest in mind? Yes, some people are attracted to the "bad boy" type. The guys/girls that you know will ultimately break your heart. I was too… when I was like 16!!!! But for a fruitful, loving, long lasting relationship… why do we entertain those that we know will only cause havoc in our lifes?

I know there are always exceptions to the rule, but when I look at my friends and family members who I believe are in healthy relationships, I can see the compatibility. I can see the love. I look at them and I am left in awe of how the universe created these two people that are nearly perfect for one another. And then, there are my friends and family members who are going after men/women who they know deep down aren't good for them. And all I can do is grin and smile because when it comes to affairs of the heart people aren’t rationale and disregard outside advice. You can tell them over and over "look, we saw him at dinner with another woman making out in the back seat of his car… You should probably leave this guy!" and they still won't budge. They'll talk to him. Get mad. He'll make promises to change. And like clockwork... She is blinded again.

I've seen women, even from a young age, settle. Settle for the next best thing. Settle for the first man that pays them attention. Settle for the closest thing that resembles love. Deep down, they may know he isn't the right person for them. Deep down, they know that they deserve better. But they decided to stay. 

Desperation.

Desperation is a motherfucker. Most people won't admit they are desperate. Some people won't even realize it until they have the chance to look back on a situation. But why else would you settle for someone that treats you poorly? Why else will you accept mediocrity? Is it because you are afraid that you will probably never meet anyone else?

One thing I know for sure is that God, The Universe, The Higher Energy (or whatever you want to call it) is working with you. And I know that the Universe didn’t create you just to leave you stuck in a miserable relationship. What’s the point of that? I mean… think of the real reasons of a relationship – love, happiness, companionship, support, friendship, and stability. If a relationship is bringing you more pain than joy, you need to reevaluate things. A relationship shouldn’t be forced in order to fill some void. If it feels like the Universe is trying to pull you two apart, why fight it?

Self-esteem has a lot to do with it and unfortunately for women, men are hunters... They can smell your vulnerability from a mile away. They prey on it. When I first met my ex, he said everything that would help let my guard down. Guys will tell you whatever you want to hear in the first few weeks or months of dating. While some will actually mean what they say, a lot of them will not. So I encourage taking your time when dating. Approach it as if he or she is a friend that you are trying to get to know better. Try to really get to know the person. And if you are someone who attaches your vagina to your heart, try to wait a while before having sex.  With my ex, I wish I would have waited longer before jumping in head first. I wish I would have tried to know him for who he truly was versus what we wanted to represent. This probably would have prevented some heart break for me.

Why settle for someone who doesn’t love you when you can find someone that loves you unconditionally?

Why settle with someone who doesn’t call you when you can find someone who can’t go a single day without finding out how your day has been?

Why settle for someone who only wants to get to know you on the surface level when you can find someone that wants to know your deepest fears so that he can prevent these fears from happening?

Why settle for someone who only looks out for his best interest when you can find someone who considers you when he is making plans for his future?

The proof is in the pudding. I am a strong believer that if you have to question if its love, it’s not. There is nothing confusing about love. It should feel natural and unforced. As cliché as it sounds, it should truly fit in your life like a missing puzzle piece.

When it comes to love, or more so - the illusion of it, some people form a blind spot. They can’t see the person for who he/she truly is. Love often times is accompanied with denial. But the heart never lies. Sometimes you get that feeling that won’t go away… that feeling that something is not right. And as much as you try to ignore it, suppress it, prove that it wrong… IT WILL NOT BUDGE. Sometimes we are afraid of acknowledging this feeling due to a fear of being alone. But I believe the universe is telling you not to settle because they have something even better in store for you. Someone that is your true soul mate. The best is yet to come.

For my blog about Limerence, the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, please click here.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Blue Christmas? Nah, I don't think so.


Oh baby, its cold outside. No, seriously. It’s cold. I guess that is to be expected during the Holiday Season. November and December seems to be the perfect months to fill with cold weather, holidays, love, happiness and economy stimulation. Just in time for the New Year, I guess. But this time of the year means different things for different people. When you hear ‘Holiday Season’ you may think about spending time with loved ones, eating whatever your heart desires, and gifting. The Holiday Season reminds so many of us that we are loved and allows us the opportunity to show our love (especially if you’re not the type of person that expresses your feelings on a normal basis). For some, however, the Holiday Season could bring uncharacteristic sentiments.

In 2005, my Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year was spent with my mother in the hospital. My memory of Christmas that year was filled with anxiety and uncertainty of what the next second would bring. My mother was at the Moffitt Cancer Treatment Center with my aunt, sister and grandmother in Tampa, FL, while me and the rest of the family were in Miramar, FL trying to have a ‘holly jolly Christmas’. That night, we got word that things weren’t looking good for my mother, so we had to take the Grey Hound to Tampa the next day early in the morning. Once we made it to Tampa, we spent the next few nights with family, a few nights at a hotel and even slept at the hospital in order to stay by her side. My mother died at 3:45 AM on January 2, 2006. I remember being at the hospital the night before she died and receiving ‘Happy New Year’ text messages when the clock stroke 12 AM on January 1st. In my mind, I thought these people didn’t even have the slightest clue about what I was going through but they are mindlessly texting me to have a Happy New Year'? (This is why I don't send mass text messages anymore.) And ‘til this day a lot of people will never know. 

My mother always tried to make the Holiday’s special for me and my siblings, and it was devastating to know that for 2 years, Rhabdomyosarcoma cancer placed her in the hospital during the Holidays instead of having her home with us.



After my mother’s death, I thought that I would hate the holiday season. I was actually very nervous when the end of 2006 approached because I didn’t want to experience the Holidays without my mother. I didn’t want any reminders of what we experienced the year before. So Thanksgiving after my mom passed, I didn’t go home. I stayed in Tallahassee (where I went to college) and had Thanksgiving with my mentor Mrs. Inge and her family. And while I was with Mrs. Inge and her beautiful family, I couldn’t help but think about my family. And I realized then that my family needs me and that I needed them. So when Christmas approached, I went home to be with my family. And ever since then, I try not to get sad around the Holiday season. I try to appreciate the people in my life while they are alive on this earth.

As I get older, I am starting to feel a new void. I am getting older (but your girl is still YOUNG, don’t get it twisted) and I one day hope to have my own family. I want to sprinkle powder on the floor to make my children think that Santa visited and dragged snow in, similar to what my mother did for me and my siblings when we were kids. I want to make Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner and see my family around the dinner table. I want to teach my kids about giving back and that giving is better than receiving. My mother made the Holiday season special and I want to be able to pass that on. I guess my experiences have only made me appreciate my family more. And in return, I do my best to bring my family together for the Holidays.



So while you are with your family, forget about the credit card bills you racked up during Black Friday. Forget about your drunk Uncle eating all the mac and cheese and spilling wine on your carpet. Forget about the fact that you were skipped over for a promotion at work. Forget that the iPhone 6 keeps causing you overages on your monthly bill because it uses too much damn data. Forget that FAMU waited until you graduated to finally get a Chick-fil-a on campus. Forget about the fact that Miley Cyrus ruined twerking, as we know it. Yes… forget about all that shit!



No matter what is going on in your life, try to enjoy the Holidays. We don’t get enough of them as it is. Celebrate the time you have with the people you love while you can. Make memories. Life is short.

For more information about Rhabdomyosarcoma Cancer, please visit: http://www.cancer.org/cancer/rhabdomyosarcoma/detailedguide/rhabdomyosarcoma-what-is-rhabdomyosarcoma