No Strings Attached

Casual Dating... 

Without the Emotional Attachment

I am single, so I am trying to do the whole Sex in the City thing. Meet new people. Go out on dates. Weigh my options. Enjoy the ride. Sounds easy, right? Not really. It’s actually a bit harder than I anticipated and the dating scene is a bit sketchy. Before my last relationship I had to kiss a lot of frogs. Now, I am back in line kissing frogs, trying to find my prince once again. Usually it goes one of two ways. 1) He likes me but I don’t like him. 2) He doesn’t like me but I like him. With the latter being more disappointing, I wish I could avoid both scenarios all together. But we all know that it’s inevitable. Finding someone that likes you just as much as you like them is like Mission Impossible.

Currently, I am dating someone. I like him. So far. I am not sure about how much he likes me, but for the purposes of this blog, let’s assume our feelings are mutual. So, you may ask, what is my problem? Attachment... one of my humanly foibles.

I am trying to resist the urge to latch on to him like a spider-monkey.

While dating him has been revitalizing, I am in a bit of an awkward phase. Here is the thing… he seems pretty normal. He owns his own business. He owns multiple properties. He has a pretty decent sense of humor. He is attractive. And he is showing some interest in me. On paper, he looks dynamite! I can’t really say much more than that because we are just getting to know each other. So, here is the double edged sword in this process - We are taking things slow. I mean slow slow. We talk on the phone about three times a week. We see each other once a week and it has been the most casual dating experience I’ve ever had. In my past relationships, I would rush in head first but this time I want to do things differently. I want to gradually introduce someone into my life. I want to really get to know him for who he is versus the illusion of him that I make up in my mind. (You know… how we tend to romanticize a person... making him a knight in shining armor here to rescue me when he really may just be a jerk.) It is a bit confusing as to why he is allowing things to go so slowly. The thought has occurred that maybe he isn’t that in to me. But even if he isn’t that into me, I want to be okay with that. I want to be okay with dating just to have fun without expecting a long term relationship. 

Because he is so normal (meaning he has yet to show any sign of crazy) and I have a good time with him, I want to latch on to him. I haven’t dated someone in so long that I forgot how it felt to be admired. I forgot how it felt to feel special. But as I sit in my room writing this blog, I know one thing is clear… I need to fucking chill. I realized that if I like someone, and he appears to like me, I want to go for the goal. I feel myself becoming attached. And it’s apparent that I am not attached to the person but rather the idea of him. I want to know why he doesn’t call me more, and the thought that he could be dating someone else made me want to cut things off with him. But why? (This is a question that I keep asking myself.) Why am I upset if someone doesn’t show me the attention that I want right away? Why would I be upset if he is dating other people? We are not in a relationship. We are just trying to get to know each other.

Sex in the City didn’t prepare me for this… dating with no strings attached. Dating with no commitment. No obligations. We are just having fun. I can’t deny it, I am hungry for a deeper connection. But I guess it’s all in due time with the right person. Is he the right person? I don’t know. Probably not. But for right now, I enjoy his company. In the meantime, I’ll keep reminding myself that this need I have to be constantly adorned by him is something I need to work out with myself. No spider-monkey latching on. No limerence here on this end. I am trying to learn how to manage relationships and I guess this is a good start. One thing I do know for sure... there is no way in hell I plan on sleeping with this guy unless we decide to be mutually exclusive. Like Patti (from Millionaire Match Maker) says "No Sex Before Monogamy"... at least for now. 

Blind Spot

Blind Spot - The Illusion of Love

In my 28 years of life I've seen a lot of fucked up relationships. I, myself, have been in a few relationships that really should’ve never been. My mother separated from her husband and, although I wasn’t born yet to witness it, my grandmother separated from her husband too. So I didn’t necessarily have great relationship role models to look up to. However, my mother taught me one valuable lesson – if it isn’t working, leave.

After observing many relationships and being that I am much wiser now, I know so much more about what a good relationship should consist of. Right now, if a guy wanted to date me, there would have to be no games involved. Of course, the first few weeks may have a little bit of fuzz, because that is the time you initially spend getting to know each other. But after a couple months, if you want me, your actions should say it all. I don't plan on guessing about your feelings for me. I don't want to read between any lines. You shouldn't tell me how much you want to be with me... you should show me. Of course, there will be some guys that will only want to be casual friends, and I am fine with that too. As long as he is honest about it. But when it comes to playing games with my heart… Frankly, I don't have time for that shit! And ladies - neither should you!

I think most able-minded people know when they are not in a good relationship. Most people know when they are chasing a hopeless dream. Most people know when the person they are interested in is a bit shady. But what keeps them in these relationships? What keeps people pursuing someone that they know isn’t good for them? Someone that you know doesn't have your best interest in mind? Yes, some people are attracted to the "bad boy" type. The guys/girls that you know will ultimately break your heart. I was too… when I was like 16!!!! But for a fruitful, loving, long lasting relationship… why do we entertain those that we know will only cause havoc in our lifes?

I know there are always exceptions to the rule, but when I look at my friends and family members who I believe are in healthy relationships, I can see the compatibility. I can see the love. I look at them and I am left in awe of how the universe created these two people that are nearly perfect for one another. And then, there are my friends and family members who are going after men/women who they know deep down aren't good for them. And all I can do is grin and smile because when it comes to affairs of the heart people aren’t rationale and disregard outside advice. You can tell them over and over "look, we saw him at dinner with another woman making out in the back seat of his car… You should probably leave this guy!" and they still won't budge. They'll talk to him. Get mad. He'll make promises to change. And like clockwork... She is blinded again.

I've seen women, even from a young age, settle. Settle for the next best thing. Settle for the first man that pays them attention. Settle for the closest thing that resembles love. Deep down, they may know he isn't the right person for them. Deep down, they know that they deserve better. But they decided to stay. 

Desperation.

Desperation is a motherfucker. Most people won't admit they are desperate. Some people won't even realize it until they have the chance to look back on a situation. But why else would you settle for someone that treats you poorly? Why else will you accept mediocrity? Is it because you are afraid that you will probably never meet anyone else?

One thing I know for sure is that God, The Universe, The Higher Energy (or whatever you want to call it) is working with you. And I know that the Universe didn’t create you just to leave you stuck in a miserable relationship. What’s the point of that? I mean… think of the real reasons of a relationship – love, happiness, companionship, support, friendship, and stability. If a relationship is bringing you more pain than joy, you need to reevaluate things. A relationship shouldn’t be forced in order to fill some void. If it feels like the Universe is trying to pull you two apart, why fight it?

Self-esteem has a lot to do with it and unfortunately for women, men are hunters... They can smell your vulnerability from a mile away. They prey on it. When I first met my ex, he said everything that would help let my guard down. Guys will tell you whatever you want to hear in the first few weeks or months of dating. While some will actually mean what they say, a lot of them will not. So I encourage taking your time when dating. Approach it as if he or she is a friend that you are trying to get to know better. Try to really get to know the person. And if you are someone who attaches your vagina to your heart, try to wait a while before having sex.  With my ex, I wish I would have waited longer before jumping in head first. I wish I would have tried to know him for who he truly was versus what we wanted to represent. This probably would have prevented some heart break for me.

Why settle for someone who doesn’t love you when you can find someone that loves you unconditionally?

Why settle with someone who doesn’t call you when you can find someone who can’t go a single day without finding out how your day has been?

Why settle for someone who only wants to get to know you on the surface level when you can find someone that wants to know your deepest fears so that he can prevent these fears from happening?

Why settle for someone who only looks out for his best interest when you can find someone who considers you when he is making plans for his future?

The proof is in the pudding. I am a strong believer that if you have to question if its love, it’s not. There is nothing confusing about love. It should feel natural and unforced. As cliché as it sounds, it should truly fit in your life like a missing puzzle piece.

When it comes to love, or more so - the illusion of it, some people form a blind spot. They can’t see the person for who he/she truly is. Love often times is accompanied with denial. But the heart never lies. Sometimes you get that feeling that won’t go away… that feeling that something is not right. And as much as you try to ignore it, suppress it, prove that it wrong… IT WILL NOT BUDGE. Sometimes we are afraid of acknowledging this feeling due to a fear of being alone. But I believe the universe is telling you not to settle because they have something even better in store for you. Someone that is your true soul mate. The best is yet to come.

For my blog about Limerence, the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, please click here.

Vanity Fair

Mirror, mirror…on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?

Well, who is the fairest? People Magazine recently published their 2012 Most Beautiful Women issue. And you wouldn’t be surprised to find out what women were in the running. These women are usually canonized in the media for their good looks and unblemished bodies. And even if they are not as beautiful as the plastic surgery, airbrush, and make up would portray… These women create America’s ‘standard of beauty’.

The media is to blame for our current conception of beauty.  Actually, we are responsible for our own perception of beauty. Haven’t you heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder? With all human beings having their differences in size, shape, color and so forth, how did we develop what was considered beautiful overall? It could be possible that media has influenced our perception of beauty, but I think the media has been a scapegoat for quite some time. We have to remember that the media is similar to a corporation; supply and demand. Give the people what they want. And if the people want skinny, flat stomachs, long hair and blue eyes… they WILL give you just that. At the end of the day, they are trying to sell magazines… and we’re apparently buying them.

At some point you have to stop pointing the finger at the ‘media’ and admit to yourself that you also may find those typical features represented in magazines as beautiful. Looking at myself, for years I covered my natural hair with 14 inches on Indian Hair because I felt like it enhanced my look. I still think I look better with long, straight, dark hair although my natural hair is quite the opposite. But who’s to blame for this European complex? I would cover up my need for weave by saying ‘I like having different looks’ or ‘I don’t like doing my real hair’. When the truth was, I didn't know how to do my own hair, because I was always running from it. I didn't think my natural hair was beautiful. I was seeking maximum beauty potential and weave did that for me. Yeah, I’m cute with coily hair… but it was something about that long, straight, dark brown hair following in the wind that made me feel beautiful.

With plastic surgery becoming more acceptable, people are completely willing to change themselves to fit the standard of beauty. This is what I would consider a First World Problem; we see where our priorities lie as citizens in America. We don’t have to worry about our next meal, or shelter over our heads, so we worry about more arbitrary things… like ‘is my butt too big?’ For example, I know for sure, there isn’t a woman in America who hasn’t been concerned about her weight. Rightfully so! It’s important to be healthy. But these obsessions with beauty aren’t motivated by health, but rather meeting a standard. We are using someone else’s measuring stick to measure ourselves. 

WHO’S MEASURING STICK ARE YOU GOING TO USE TO MEASURE YOURSELF?

If only we were more concerned with changing our insides, rather than what is visible on the outside. If it were the option of beauty vs heart, beauty would win every time. And at the end of the day, this alteration of self is done to please others. To be considered beautiful amongst your peers. It’s a good feeling to be desired. To have someone tell you that you are the most beautiful women in the room… but where is the heart in that? Beauty (not considering weight) is something given to you… you didn’t have to work hard to be beautiful… it just so happened that way… some were born with good looks and some had to purchase it. GOOD GENES or GOOD DOCS. But a good heart, that requires a bit more than inheritance. 

It could be possible that the next generation of young women will be dealing with insecurities as a learned behavior. I remember growing up and hearing older woman complain about their bodies and what they didn’t like. I felt like this was their way of acknowledging the elephant in the room, even when there was no elephant to be acknowledged. It’s a defense mechanism. There have been times where I would have a blemish on my face and believed that everyone I encountered that day was looking directly at my blemish. So, in order to acknowledge the ‘elephant’ in the room, I would mention the blemish on my face casually. Usually the person on the receiving end would respond with ‘I didn’t notice it… but now that you've said something, I can see it.’ They didn’t notice it until I brought it to their attention. Which reminds me of the saying ‘You are your biggest critic’. We over analyze our bodies and at times, we make up problems that do not really exist.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is a psychiatric term for a person who exaggerates a problem with their body to the point of delusion. They might perceive a minor flaw as a hideous disfigurement, and become fixated on it. According to Hullet, a cosmetic procedure may expose an existing issue or possibly even trigger one. ‘They develop a new obsession’ he says. ‘They get the nose fixed, and then it’s the eyebrows. They fix the eyebrows, and then it’s the ears. The perceived abnormality keeps moving.

What we aren’t cognizant about is that from puberty to the age of 18, children are especially vulnerable to body image issues, says psychiatrist Hullet. If they don’t fully understand the reasons and observe a family member take the drastic step of an invasive surgery, they may learn a skewed lesson about the importance of appearance. A teenage girl who sees her mother undergo a breast augmentation, for example, may then view her own small breasts as deficient or unattractive, affecting her confidence or future behavior. Plastic surgery doesn’t change your genes, so it’s likely that your children will have the same (or a close resemblance) physical features that the parent may have considered ‘abnormal’. So, how does a parent tell their child that their nose is beautiful, after they had plastic surgery on their own nose?

And plastic surgery isn’t a walk in the park… which is why I don’t understand why so many people opt to do it. When you go under the knife to alter your appearance, your body goes through trauma. Serious physical complications like any surgery, it is a major stresser to the body and needs to be taken seriously," says surgeon Wallace. "People think it's like going out to lunch." Many may not be prepared for a lengthy recuperation that entails fatigue, swelling and scarring, or are not thoughtful about the potential risks, like damaged nerves, infection or bleeding. There is also psychological trauma. Frequently have unrealistic expectations and become deeply disappointed if the result isn't "perfect," even if it is an improvement.

It’s understandable to be concerned about your appearance. You appearance tells people a story about you without using words. But the obsession of ones appearance is the line drawn, indicating an unhealthy perception of self. Struggling with my own insecurities, I decided to let it go. I have been living with my body for 26 years… it’s about damn time I start loving it since it isn’t going anywhere. I considered cosmetic surgery… but I knew that would be the definition of vanity. I truly believe that God didn’t give us this body on earth to be BEAUTIFUL (although it is a plus). This body is a vessel, temporarily loaned to us during our tenor on earth. Our focus should be on mankind, loving our neighbor and becoming the best person we can be. 

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” – 1 Samuel 16:7

Recommended reading and source of quotes used in this article was taken from: http://www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2011/06/16/hidden-dangers-of-cosmetic-surgery/