Feigned Love - Part 2

I knew Perturbado was cheap so I opted for the 2 for $20 deal. This was our second time going to Applebee’s. Not because the food was great. I just knew that he preferred cheap dates. I hated Applebee’s. He thought it was me being stuck up which couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I liked good quality. But I would eat at these places because he liked it.

Before the waitress could arrive to our table he asked me “Do you really think this is going to work?”

“Yes.” I answered before even having a chance to fully process what was going on. I wanted it to work. I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he laughed. “What exactly did you think we have here?” Perturbado responded.

I thought we had something. Something of a train wreck. But it was something.

Restrained head deep in a pool of desperation and the fear of being rejected while at dinner sitting in front of this man that I thought would be my future husband: I pleaded. I told him that he confused me and that we could work if we communicated better. I told him he was pushing me away and not opening up his heart to find love. At that moment, I believed all the things I said to him. I knew that he was making a mistake and that he would regret it later. All the ups and downs in our courtship was due to him. He created the tension. I’m the one that should be breaking it off with him. After all the things he’s done to me. I’m a great girl. I thought he knew that.

And then Perturbado said “I know you were worried about me leaving you after we had sex. We can still continue to have sex. I’ll still be there for you”.

Okay. Sex. He wants sex.

We dated for about a month and a half until that night at Applebee’s. After dinner, during the car ride home, he told me a secret. A secret that most would find disturbing. I tried comforting him. But from there I realized that his guy really has issues. Issues that could possibly put me in danger. He told me that he was cold, I was sensitive and that he didn’t want to hurt me. But he had already hurt me. On numerous occasions he would toss my heart in the air as high as he could and then have target practice. Shooting it to a pulse before it managed to hit the floor.

I slept with him that very night after dinner. And when he dropped me to my car the next morning I was somehow still swimming in a deep sea of denial.

It didn’t really hit me until that afternoon. Perturbado dumped me. He didn’t dump me… he discarded me. He used me. He wanted to continue using me. We weren’t in a relationship but rather a situationship. Something that started off fast yet so beautiful and then quickly turned into souring milk on the longest summer’s day. But all I wanted to see was the initial beauty and promise. All those things he said in the beginning was just a water hose of endorphins being released in my brain. 

You're the girl for me. You're mine. Always. Only. You. Hermosa. Mi Vida. Mi amor. Beauty. Sunshine. Care. Attention. I miss you. I want you. Being with you is like being in heaven.

Lie.

After lie.

After life.

After lie.

After lie. 

I got addict to the way he made me feel. That undivided attention. The sweet words that held my future... those words that seemed honest at the time. Those first two weeks had me on a cloud so high, you couldn’t see me with your bare eyes from earth.

Hot and cold. Everyday was a gamble. I never knew what I was going to get. The only thing consistent about Perturbado was his obsession with saving money and his appetite for sex. I held out as long as I could… which was pretty long for me. His sexuality confused me. Did he want me or did he want to have unrestricted sex with me. I knew the answer then, I just hoped that I was wrong. I tried to rationalize it by telling myself that he was older… that maybe he had stronger urges than most. But it made me feel uncomfortable. Why was I okay with feeling uncomfortable? The first time I turned him down, he reminded me of a spoiled two year old child that couldn’t get his way. Pushing himself to the other side of the couch while giving me short lived silent treatment. That wasn’t love. It was nothing that could blossom into love. The seeds were planted in polluted soil. Even weeds knew better than to grow there.

It wasn’t until we stopped talking when I started to look back and realize that he was pretty fucked up. I always knew it deep down… but deep down I also wanted someone to love… so it didn’t matter. The little jabs he would take to wound my confidence. Nights were he wouldn't respond only to text me in the morning saying he "fell asleep". How he would talk on and on about himself and not ask me a thing. How he would try to turn every phone conversation into phone sex. (No exaggeration.) And every visit into sexual intercourse. I mean, Jesus… find out my favorite color first! 

Every nuance can’t be detailed. Mostly what I remember is the way he made me feel. Unwanted. Desperate. Used. Judged. And I wanted him. I was drawn to him. I admired him. I wanted to love him and I wanted his love desperately. I would probably still be talking to him ‘til this day if he didn’t try to call it off with me at dinner. Five days after that night at Applebee's, he invited me out to eat. And I realized then more than ever before that he was willing to drag me along as long as I will willing to let him. So I declined. I wanted to go with him. But I saw that as my chance to escape the hurt. Because living with my stomach in knots was starting to take a toll on me. Surely, being single couldn’t be any worse than this.

So, I decided to move on.

[TO BE CONTINUED]

Feigned Love - Part 1

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

As I approached my 30s, I was hopeful that some good would fall into my lap. That I would fall in love and move on to the next stage of my life. I didn’t do so blindly. I took a few necessary measures. At the time, I was entertaining two men romantically. One of them, whom I now believe to be a selfish moderate sociopath, and the other I had little to nothing in common with. Well, a few days after I turned 30, I stopped talking to them both in order to make room in my heart for someone much more deserving. 

The selfish moderate sociopath was very mentally stimulating and connected with me in many ways. But he was also a liar and would ever so often be unnecessarily critical and demeaning. Despite being married, he downplayed it and pursued many others outside of his relationship... including me. The other, was a man who only petitioned for the pleasures of life and didn’t feel the need to work hard for anything. He drank heavily, partook in cigars and hookah during his down time, ate horribly, and was overtly sexual - only fluently communicated  about sex and when we would  talk about other things (which rarely occurred) it bore me to the point of no return. Everything about him was uninspiring! But he carried himself as if he was god's gift to woman. Both of them did.

They say that who you are in a relationship with is a reflection of yourself. And despite me not being in a relationship with any of these men, I have to look back and ask myself “What the fuck was I thinking?” While I didn’t sleep with the moderate sociopath… I did sleep with the boring slob and it was unmemorable. I remember at some point of our “situationship”, I convinced myself that I liked Mr. Boring. I tried to convince myself that he was something to hold on to. He was tall, attractive (he was cute facially but his personality was so dry it was suffocating), owned his home, someone I thought to be financially well off (until he revealed some telling signs of having financial issues later on) and he was single. What more could I ask for? Why not just be with him. I can grow to like him… as long as he treated me right (which he didn't... but at the time how I defined "treating me right" was very obstructed).

To make matters worse, at one point I thought I was in love with the married sociopath. He asked me questions no one ever cared to ask me.. He knew my interest and stimulated my mind. Despite him being in a relationship, he found time to court me and proclaimed that I was the “one that got away”. I found that phrase very endearing at the time. The only thing you can build with a married man is a bed of lies and mistrust. Not only that... he was dogmatic and arrogant. Traits that I do not find very appealing. He would tell me that every man cheats, as to say that it was something I should just accept. A mentality that would help justify his [our] behavior.

Ultimately, my biggest downfall with both men was that I sold myself for cheap. That is the reflection that I see when I look at those two men... someone unworthy of pure unadulterated love. Here were these two unsatisfactory men that presented themselves. Broken. Not whole. Lacking. Insufficient. Sponges. And despite knowing and feeling that it wasn’t right, I entertained them. I gave them more of me then they should have ever deserved in this lifetime. I was looking for companionship. And with that, my definition of love was so incomprehensible I couldn’t read the fine print anymore. Were the lies considered love? Were the sex fueled text messages love? Was the rejection after I refused to have sex love? Undoubtedly so, I was seeking love… was I not? So why did I entertain things that were obviously not love?

I have never been in love. I’ve had verbally abusive relationships. I've dated many men that made me feel like I was just an option and not a priority. So if I walked away from every guy that treated me poorly, I would have never had a boyfriend. I would have been single 'til this very day. So I date these guys, even though I know it isn’t right, just so that I could experience some form of companionship. I thought those experiences were worth the inevitable heartbreak. I thought those few superficial embraces were worth me potentially dying more inside. I wanted to seize any fugacious moment of intimacy because I knew tomorrow would bring it's sorrow. I thought those experiences were worth the damage that would be done to me at the end. I felt that way up until the last guy I dated. 

The last guy I dated... He wrecked my fragile world. And now I realize, some experiences don’t need to be had. It was an experience that I can honestly say I could have lived without. He could have easily been the master of my destruction. He had a hold on me that I didn’t know was possible. I will call him Perturbado...

[TO BE CONTINUED]

Why am I single?

To all my single ladies...

Have you ever asked yourself “Why am I single?”

This Valentine’s Day I had a little soiree at my place for all my single friends. And as we sat around watching a movie, I looked around the room and asked myself “Why are we single?” I have a great group of friends and I think every one of them brings something to the table. All of my friends are different. All of them have their great qualities and their setbacks, like every women. But what is it about us that has kept us with no ring on the finger?

Recently, I was reading a blog where the writer attempted to address why so many successful [more so black] women are single. I know people often say that it’s because successful woman intimidate men. While that could be the case, I doubt that the “intimidation” factor is the sole reason why so many successful woman are single. The blogger suggested that successful women aren’t single because men are intimated by them, but rather, these woman must have some issues that they are unaware of.

Hmmm… some issues that we are unaware of? What could this be? So I started asking myself, what do I think is keeping me single? While I do consider the fact that it could just be that I haven’t met the right person for me. You know, bad timing. I haven’t been at the right places at the right time. But what about women that are single in their late 40’s and 50’s that have never been married? Is it all just ‘bad timing’?

I’ve read articles that say that women need to be more open. For me, that is a check in the box. I will date any creed and any color, as long as I felt a connection. But are other women doing the same? Do you have a long list of “what you want in a man?” What race he should be? What religion? What height? What profession? Hey... These things are important! But realistically, how long can this list be while still having eligible bachelors that qualify?

I believe everyone should have a standard. But some woman have standards that are way too high and quite superficial. For instance, I met a young lady that said she wouldn't date anyone under 6 ft. I was a bit stunned by that. Why the height requirement? What if the guy was 5’11 but absolutely amazing? Nope… she said that she wouldn't budge! I have my own deal-breakers… one that is probably as shallow as the 6 ft. rule. But I think we all have our preferences… we just have to try to remain realistic.

So, I’ve recently looked in the mirror and asked myself. What do I think I can change about myself to help me with potentially meeting someone? What do I think is in my control that I can change to help me in the love department? So, this may sound shallow, but the answer came to me in the gym while lusting for this hottie working out. I looked at him and I said to myself “My God! Why have thy forsaken me!” This guy was gorgeous. And I watched him put in the work day after day in the gym. He makes that investment in himself. He puts that time and attention aside for himself... to be fit... to be healthy and it made me admire him. It made me want to do the same for myself.

So, since then, I have been putting more effort in me. People can look at you can tell if you love yourself. If you exude self-confidence. Self-love. Self-happiness. And I am trying to be all encompassing. I believe that maybe this is an element that may have been there before, but now I am letting it cultivate.

As aforementioned, SINGLE-ISM could all be due to timing. However, there are certain things that is in our control. And when we realize that things aren't necessarily going the way we've initially planned, we may have to reanalyze the situation and ask some questions. What can I do to change/improve my certain situation/chances?

Why I Gotta Be So Rude?

And another one bites the dust            

  Oh why can I not conquer love        

    And I might have thought that we were one    

       Wanted to fight this war without weapons       

        And I wanted it, I wanted it bad          

     But there were so many red flags            

   Now another one bites the dust          

 Yeah let's be clear, I'll trust no one       

Sia - Elastic Heart Lyrics 

Are you getting tired of me talking about relationships? Well, guess what? Here is another relationship blog. And here is why…

1) My natal chart told me that I am good at writing about relationships. (Go figure!)
2) My fling ended. The guy I’ve been seeing for the past several weeks is no longer in the picture.  So what do I do when something like this happens in my life? I write about it!

So, I wrote about this guy when we first met (see No Strings Attached). I was feeling bubbly initially after meeting him. We were taking things slow and going out occasionally. At some point I determined that he wasn't the one. For some reason he never got any of my jokes, the chemistry faded and he never took me out to dinner. He took me out for drinks but never dinner. I told one of my friends how I felt and she told me to give him a chance. Because of her advice, I continued to talk to him... And I was trying to date casually with no expectations. So, I told myself that I would try to get to know him better but at the same time I treated him like he was disposable, which leads me to my first two dating rules.

#1 – If you are going to get to know someone, GET TO KNOW THEM for real. I kept saying “Oh, I am getting to know him. I don’t think I like him but I am getting to know him.” I feel like deep down, I didn't give the man a real chance. Yes, I felt like something wasn't right about him after dating him for several weeks so I didn't care to get to know him anymore. But even before I determined that something wasn't right, I didn't give him a fair chance. I kept looking for things to disqualify him. I kept looking to find his flaws. In those weeks that we talked, I made him feel like I didn't like him and that we would only be just friends. I made him feel like he was not important to me. And I feel like this may have caused him to not open up as much as he could have or maybe wanted to. So, when dating, give people the chance to show you who they are before labeling them and putting them in certain categories. Really listen to them when they talk. Ask questions. Be interested. Come in it with an open heart and try to see the good in them.

#2 – Trust your fucking gut feelings. (This may sound contradictory to rule #1, but hear me out.) If something is telling you that something isn’t right, SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT. I had this feeling with him and so many other guys. I always try to ignore it but eventually something bad happens and I realize why I had those feelings. Your intuition doesn't try to get your attention for no reason. Your intuition is picking up on subtle clues that you may be ignoring. DON’T IGNORE YOUR INNER SELF NUDGING AT YOU. Fuck what your friends say… your friends aren’t the ones dating the dude. They can’t see what you see.

#3 – BE YOURSELF. This is the closest I’ve gotten to a guy since my break up last year. So, I came in with a fucking closed heart. I wouldn’t tell him too much about me (even though I love talking about myself). I didn’t show any affection (even though I am a very affectionate person). I never went out of my way to reach out to him. I wanted to be sure that I didn’t let him in too quickly, and by doing this I wasn't being myself. I felt as if the more I acted like I didn't care about him, the more control I could maintain. He may think that I am some cold hearted motherfucker and he has every right to think that because that is who I pretended to be…. All in hopes of protecting myself. I look back and I regret that. I rather have someone dislike me for who I am rather than like me for someone I am not. He never got to see the real me. And in the future, I rather get hurt being my normal loving, caring self. I would walk away from a situation like that with no regrets.

The next guy I date, I plan on opening my heart, (while still tapping into my intuition) and being myself completely. Being hurt in relationships (especially when you gave the relationship your all) can cause you to shut down but that is not fair to the next person that walks into your life.

OPEN THAT HEART AND LET SOME LOVE IN! 

I am determined to find true love. Let's go on this journey together.

No Strings Attached

Casual Dating... 

Without the Emotional Attachment

I am single, so I am trying to do the whole Sex in the City thing. Meet new people. Go out on dates. Weigh my options. Enjoy the ride. Sounds easy, right? Not really. It’s actually a bit harder than I anticipated and the dating scene is a bit sketchy. Before my last relationship I had to kiss a lot of frogs. Now, I am back in line kissing frogs, trying to find my prince once again. Usually it goes one of two ways. 1) He likes me but I don’t like him. 2) He doesn’t like me but I like him. With the latter being more disappointing, I wish I could avoid both scenarios all together. But we all know that it’s inevitable. Finding someone that likes you just as much as you like them is like Mission Impossible.

Currently, I am dating someone. I like him. So far. I am not sure about how much he likes me, but for the purposes of this blog, let’s assume our feelings are mutual. So, you may ask, what is my problem? Attachment... one of my humanly foibles.

I am trying to resist the urge to latch on to him like a spider-monkey.

While dating him has been revitalizing, I am in a bit of an awkward phase. Here is the thing… he seems pretty normal. He owns his own business. He owns multiple properties. He has a pretty decent sense of humor. He is attractive. And he is showing some interest in me. On paper, he looks dynamite! I can’t really say much more than that because we are just getting to know each other. So, here is the double edged sword in this process - We are taking things slow. I mean slow slow. We talk on the phone about three times a week. We see each other once a week and it has been the most casual dating experience I’ve ever had. In my past relationships, I would rush in head first but this time I want to do things differently. I want to gradually introduce someone into my life. I want to really get to know him for who he is versus the illusion of him that I make up in my mind. (You know… how we tend to romanticize a person... making him a knight in shining armor here to rescue me when he really may just be a jerk.) It is a bit confusing as to why he is allowing things to go so slowly. The thought has occurred that maybe he isn’t that in to me. But even if he isn’t that into me, I want to be okay with that. I want to be okay with dating just to have fun without expecting a long term relationship. 

Because he is so normal (meaning he has yet to show any sign of crazy) and I have a good time with him, I want to latch on to him. I haven’t dated someone in so long that I forgot how it felt to be admired. I forgot how it felt to feel special. But as I sit in my room writing this blog, I know one thing is clear… I need to fucking chill. I realized that if I like someone, and he appears to like me, I want to go for the goal. I feel myself becoming attached. And it’s apparent that I am not attached to the person but rather the idea of him. I want to know why he doesn’t call me more, and the thought that he could be dating someone else made me want to cut things off with him. But why? (This is a question that I keep asking myself.) Why am I upset if someone doesn’t show me the attention that I want right away? Why would I be upset if he is dating other people? We are not in a relationship. We are just trying to get to know each other.

Sex in the City didn’t prepare me for this… dating with no strings attached. Dating with no commitment. No obligations. We are just having fun. I can’t deny it, I am hungry for a deeper connection. But I guess it’s all in due time with the right person. Is he the right person? I don’t know. Probably not. But for right now, I enjoy his company. In the meantime, I’ll keep reminding myself that this need I have to be constantly adorned by him is something I need to work out with myself. No spider-monkey latching on. No limerence here on this end. I am trying to learn how to manage relationships and I guess this is a good start. One thing I do know for sure... there is no way in hell I plan on sleeping with this guy unless we decide to be mutually exclusive. Like Patti (from Millionaire Match Maker) says "No Sex Before Monogamy"... at least for now. 

When someone shows you who they are... believe them!

It’s easy to get caught up in the game. The whisperings of sweet nothings in your ear. This guy seems too good to be true. And he is coming on so strong… but why shouldn’t he? You’re worth it! He is giving you the attention that you need and everything looks good on paper. You didn’t want to like him, and eventually you fall… and you fall hard. Sometimes the guy is who he says he is and other times... well... let's just say he could be blowing smoke.


People can only hide their true colors for so long. And if the guy your messing with is flaky... Eventually his actions won’t back his words up. And this is when you need to separate potential from reality. Yeah, he has the potential to be the man he claimed to be, but reality is… he isn’t.


My friend, who I will call Tiffany, was set-up with a guy through one of her co-workers. Before they meet in person, they talked on the phone for several days. Tiffany was really feeling this guy. Tiffany always knew how she wanted to be treated and he fell right into place as 'Mr. Charming'. He appeared to be supportive, non-judgmental and willing to communicate any difference they may or could possible have in the future. They talked everyday and she was getting use to him being a part of her daily routine. Before Tiffany went to meet him, she said to me ‘This is too good to be true. This guy is a bit older, established in his career, financial secure, and never been married,’ Tiffany and him shared similar cultures, valued the same ideologies and had many other things in common.


Well, I coached Tiffany before her first date… ‘Be you! Be confident!’ and that’s what Tiffany tried to do. Unfortunately, the guy seemed to be the opposite of what he made himself out to be. Before the initial date, he stressed how important ‘respect’ was to him and how he valued being able to communicate in order to work out differences. On the contrary, he was quite disrespectful to Tiffany. Tiffany, being a non-confrontational person, tried to look over his rude remarks… she felt as if maybe she was reading too much into the things he was saying. But as the night progressed, it was clear… this guy was not who he claimed to be. She kept wondering what happened to the guy on the phone? The guy who she had so much in common with? The one who valued the same things she did?


Well, Tiffany… that guy was just a front. A cover-up. Yep, Tiffany was bamboozled. And although she realized that this guy was a bi-polar, narcissus, pervert… she was waiting for the night to get better. She was waiting for him to be the guy she thought he would be. But that never happened.


Anyway, after meeting him, Tiff was ready to drop him like a bad habit. After being in many dysfunctional relationships, Tiff wanted nothing more to do with him. And that’s when the mind games started. He called Tiff explaining to her that he did nothing wrong and that she was over thinking things and that she needed to loosen up a bit. And when that didn’t work he started pointing the finger at Tiffany saying that she was spoiled and high maintenance, and that she thought that it was all about her.


Tiffany, being ingenuous, questioned her own reasoning…. But her friends came back with damaging details about what happened on the date to remind her of why she should never talk to him again. After a week of debating on whether or not she should eliminate this guy (or not) from her life, Tiff decided it was a wrap! Throw a bow on it. When someone show’s you who they are believe them. Anyone can tell you that they are kind, loving, God fearing, gentle, and so forth. But what you need to do is listen to the actions and not their words.


Although, I have never met the guy, from what I hear, he may just be a psychopath. A master of disguise to the people he is closest to. But Tiff got a rare glimpse of who he truly is and that should be enough for her to run in the opposite direction… FAST! Track & Flied Olympian Gold Metal Fast!