Feigned Love - Part 3

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

- Joseph Campbell

You must have expectations that you hold firm to. The last time Perturbado and I spoke, he called me and asked me out to dinner. I was perplexed because I didn’t hear from him in several days. The entire time we were "dating" he never called me just to invite me out. It was usually me asking him if he wanted to hangout. A big part of me wanted to say yes. I imagined that we would go out and he would apologize for all the things that he did and said to me. But the voice deep inside said no. The inner voice was the loudest it has ever been, and it no longer wished to be strung along. 

So I asked him “Are you inviting me out to dinner as a friend?” Hell, I wanted to know. Three nights ago he made it clear that a relationship was out of the question. So why do we need to get dinner together?

His response was "I am just inviting you out to dinner." Translations: He wanted to keep me on his string.

You see, I was tired of feeling strung along. A few days ago you told me we would never work, and now you're inviting me to dinner? Keep in mind, while we dated, I complained that he never called me and invited me out… so this is when he finally decides to do it?

Trust me, I was confused... and it was a feeling I didn’t want to endure any longer. So, I declined his invite for dinner. 

After we hung up I felt terrible. I thought I may have really hurt his feelings and that he may feel rejected by me. I wanted to call him back and tell him sorry for turning down his offer and explain to him that I was just trying to move on and going to dinner with him would just make things worse. But then I had to ask myself "why am I feeling guilty?" He did this. He created this distance. He wasn’t concerned about my feelings. He was concerned about himself. And it was about damn time I started doing the same. So I let that guilt go. I declined his invite because it was the best thing I could do for myself. I should never feel guilty about taking care of myself. And that is when I started respecting and acknowledging my needs. 

What made it hard for me to move on? The rejection. More than anything. The rejection burned through me like a freshly lit cigarette bud pressed against my beating heart. I cared so deeply for someone that discarded me so easily. I had to continuously remind myself that there is something better out there for me. If there weren’t, the Universe would've just left me to rot in an unhealthy situationship. But, the Universe didn’t. It pulled me out of that black hole. 

I would think back at all the mistakes I made with him and the mantra “You fool!” would go off repeatedly in my head. I was such the fool. An ingenuous fool. An openhearted fool. A nurturing fool. But a fool, nonetheless. I spent several weeks looking in the mirror with questions racing through my mind.  “How could you be so foolish? Why did you tolerate the way he treated you? Why did you believe his lies even when you knew he was lying to you? Why did you sleep with him? Why did you let him say that to you? Why didn’t you cut it off with him?” I was mad at myself for opening up to someone that did nothing to deserve such intimacy, care, or attention. 

Not wanting to beat myself up anymore, since I was already beat down enough, I tried to bring my head above water. So, I researched what to do and what not to do in relationships for future reference. After one failed relationship after the other, I wanted to pin down “what I was doing wrong” so I began inundating myself with relationship articles, podcasts and meditations. (I also medicated. Red wine is great for easing a heartbreak.) It didn’t take long for all of the love advice to start sounding the same. 

To fall in love you have to be (1) extraordinarily understanding and patient (2) give the best blow jobs (3) a bit cold but not too cold hearted… so pretty much a bitch but you still have to be likeable (4) confident… because being bitchy is only sexy when your confident and (5) did I mention blow jobs? (6) Blah blah blah blah blah.

It was bizarre. All this advice. All this research. All this these experts. But yet so many people are looking for love. Even those who are already spoken for seem to find themselves lonely and unfulfilled. Hell, half of these “experts” are trying to sort out their love life themselves. After all my delving, I felt like there was one main theme that could summarize it all, and that was SELF RESPECT. 

I mean, it all makes sense. Take my story for instance… my biggest regret is that I allowed him to treat me poorly. I wanted him to give me something that I had failed to give myself, which was respect. Regardless, we probably wouldn’t have lasted either way. However, I would have preferred an ending where I could have walked out with my head held high. An ending where I realized that I deserved better than what he could give me and left the situation before I was so battered and bruised. 

Self-respect is tantamount to self-love. When you want to be loved and respected, it starts by loving and respecting yourself. People aren’t always going to recognize your worth and treat you the way you should be treated. When you respect yourself, you ensure that your worth will not be overlooked. You ensure that no one batters and bruises you, only to leave you as a damaged good reducing your value. Self-respect breathes confidence, self-esteem, self-worth, self-love and more. Self-respect is the most profound way you tell others that you value yourself and that in order to have a relationship with you, they will have to value YOU too.

You can cook for a man. But that isn’t going to make him love you. You will just be the girl that cooks for him and he will come around to eat when he’s hungry. You can give a man great sex. But that isn’t going to make him love you. You will just be the girl that gives him great sex and he will come around whenever he’s horny. You bend down for him to ride your back and he will. A man will only do what you let him. And if he knows he can do whatever it is under the sun and you will still be there waiting on him, he will do exactly that… everything under the sun. 

When they know you will always be there no matter how much they hurt you, they will most certainly take you for guaranteed. Your love will be like bottled water in a USA grocery store. He knows he needs water to survive but he doesn’t cherish it because whenever he’s ready for it, he can run to the local grocery store and grab himself a bottle off the shelf.

Why am I single?

To all my single ladies...

Have you ever asked yourself “Why am I single?”

This Valentine’s Day I had a little soiree at my place for all my single friends. And as we sat around watching a movie, I looked around the room and asked myself “Why are we single?” I have a great group of friends and I think every one of them brings something to the table. All of my friends are different. All of them have their great qualities and their setbacks, like every women. But what is it about us that has kept us with no ring on the finger?

Recently, I was reading a blog where the writer attempted to address why so many successful [more so black] women are single. I know people often say that it’s because successful woman intimidate men. While that could be the case, I doubt that the “intimidation” factor is the sole reason why so many successful woman are single. The blogger suggested that successful women aren’t single because men are intimated by them, but rather, these woman must have some issues that they are unaware of.

Hmmm… some issues that we are unaware of? What could this be? So I started asking myself, what do I think is keeping me single? While I do consider the fact that it could just be that I haven’t met the right person for me. You know, bad timing. I haven’t been at the right places at the right time. But what about women that are single in their late 40’s and 50’s that have never been married? Is it all just ‘bad timing’?

I’ve read articles that say that women need to be more open. For me, that is a check in the box. I will date any creed and any color, as long as I felt a connection. But are other women doing the same? Do you have a long list of “what you want in a man?” What race he should be? What religion? What height? What profession? Hey... These things are important! But realistically, how long can this list be while still having eligible bachelors that qualify?

I believe everyone should have a standard. But some woman have standards that are way too high and quite superficial. For instance, I met a young lady that said she wouldn't date anyone under 6 ft. I was a bit stunned by that. Why the height requirement? What if the guy was 5’11 but absolutely amazing? Nope… she said that she wouldn't budge! I have my own deal-breakers… one that is probably as shallow as the 6 ft. rule. But I think we all have our preferences… we just have to try to remain realistic.

So, I’ve recently looked in the mirror and asked myself. What do I think I can change about myself to help me with potentially meeting someone? What do I think is in my control that I can change to help me in the love department? So, this may sound shallow, but the answer came to me in the gym while lusting for this hottie working out. I looked at him and I said to myself “My God! Why have thy forsaken me!” This guy was gorgeous. And I watched him put in the work day after day in the gym. He makes that investment in himself. He puts that time and attention aside for himself... to be fit... to be healthy and it made me admire him. It made me want to do the same for myself.

So, since then, I have been putting more effort in me. People can look at you can tell if you love yourself. If you exude self-confidence. Self-love. Self-happiness. And I am trying to be all encompassing. I believe that maybe this is an element that may have been there before, but now I am letting it cultivate.

As aforementioned, SINGLE-ISM could all be due to timing. However, there are certain things that is in our control. And when we realize that things aren't necessarily going the way we've initially planned, we may have to reanalyze the situation and ask some questions. What can I do to change/improve my certain situation/chances?

The Pursuit of Happiness

“The way to find out about happiness is to keep your mind on those moments when you feel most happy, when you are really happy — not excited, not just thrilled, but deeply happy. This requires a little bit of self-analysis. What is it that makes you happy? Stay with it, no matter what people tell you. This is what is called following your bliss.” – Joseph Campbell

I went to the doctor’s office last week because I was feeling ill. For a week I had a cough and sore throat and couldn’t seem to shake it off. My doctor, who reminds me of your typical brunette New York foreigner who speaks what’s on her mind, looked at me and told me ‘You don’t look happy.’ In my mind I said to myself ‘of course I don’t look happy, my body is a mucus factory. After talking a bit more she mentioned it again. ‘You don’t look happy. Do you think you could be dealing with depression?’ At this point I started to think maybe she was on to something. Am I ‘not happy’?

Have you ever meet a person that was always cheerful? Always smiling and laughing? Always positive and doesn’t seem to let many things bother them? That is not me. I am an emotional shit storm and I don’t have a poker face. I know I wear my emotions on my sleeve, so when she mentioned the fact that I didn’t look happy for a second time I began to evaluate myself. And it didn’t take me long to realize that she was right. I'm not happy.

I’ve experienced a few setbacks this year. 2014 has been a doozy for me, albeit things could be worse. But at this moment, I can truly say I am not happy. I am not unhappy either. I would prefer to describe myself as indifferent. (That makes sense, right?) I get happy about certain things but deep down, I am not happy. There is no joy in my soul. My life is filled with mundane tasks and stress thinking about my future. 

While my doctor was just probing, her statement made me think. I'm not sure if I realized that I wasn't happy. For a while now I've just been doing my daily routine, desperately searching for a new job, trying to manage my tight budget (in which I have not been successful), rebuilding broken friendships (because I realized that I wasn't as good of a friend as I thought I was) and spending time with my semi dysfunctional family. So, one simple statement from my doctor made me stop and think about what it means to be happy, how to obtain happiness, and how to retain it.

One thing I know for sure is that some people have to work harder to be happy compared to others. Some people are just naturally happy. They naturally have the ability to not sweat the small stuff. In my case, and I believe most Americans, being happy is literally a pursuit. We are constantly seeking the things to bring enjoyment to our lives. But we find ourselfs still not quite fullfilled. We run around in some sort of ungrateful and prilvilged mind set which causes us to sweat the small stuff and not appreciate the little things in life. Usually, It’s not until something devastating happens, like the loss of a loved one, when most people try to put things into perspective. But what if we worked daily to put things into perspective? What if every day we committed ourselves to happiness?

Joseph Campbell says that happiness requires self-analysis. In my case, I know what triggers me and my emotional swings. I have a tendency to react harshly and defensively. I tend to see the negative in most situations and create conflict within myself. I know that I have many fucked up aspects to me, but the good news is that I KNOW these things. And I know what it takes for me to be happy but sometimes it easier to just bitch and complain, dwell in the misery. 

Lately, I have been trying to let go of my pride. Why is it so hard to say ‘I am sorry’? Why is it so hard to be the bigger person? I look back and I realized that on those few occasions where I swallowed my pride and apologized or made a mends, those are the times I allowed myself peace within my heart. I sought after happiness in those moments of humbling myself. So, we have to think of those things that prevents us from being happy. Pride. Control. Arrogance. 

So, in a way I think love, humbleness and happiness go hand in hand. When you’re happy, your energy transfers. And I am not talking about being excited or thrilled (as Campbell mentioned) but deeply happy within. When you are truly happy, nothing can take that away from you because it is buried deep within.

So I am kicking of this Thanksgiving week on a pursuit for happiness and I want you to join me. Here is what we have to do.

1) Discover the things that prevents you from being happy and how can you remove these things from your life.

2) Determine what makes you happy and how to internalize this happiness.

It’s easy to look at all the bad in this world. It’s easy to get sucked into negativity. But this is where you dig deep and you remind yourself that the only thing/person that can make you happy is YOU! You have all the power. It takes work. It may be the hardest thing in life you will ever have to work towards (because our internal demons are the hardest to slay) but consider it a journey and at the end of the day, it will only enhance your life on this earth. Because at the end of the day, your mind is the only thing you have.

“Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” – Joseph Campbell

Frequently Asked Questions and Ridicule Protesters Have Received(Regarding the George Zimmermann vs The State of Florida case)

Q: Why is this case getting so much attention?

A: Because one; the news media loves sensationalism. You may be tired of hearing about the case but there are more people that are interested about the case than you may immediately know. The articles regarding this case are apparently getting many views and since news stations are actually businesses that need money to stay afloat they post articles that generate money.

Secondly; many people feel like there is some flaws with the justice system and believe that justice was not served. We believe that Trayvon Martin was racially profiled and if George Zimmerman did not follow him he would be here today. Therefore, Zimmerman should be held accountable for Trayvon’s death.

Q: Why is this case getting so much attention in comparison to another case that I deem as being more important? (And usually they will bring up a different case where there was a black person that killed a white person or some other race, like the unfortunate killing of Antonio West, a 13 month old child, in Georgia.)

A: The difference with those cases and this case is that the murderers were caught immediately and will be prosecuted. The young boys who killed Antonio West were arrested that very day and not one person has come to their defense or believes that they have been wrongful accused outside of their family. It was a unified consensus that what they did was terribly wrong. In the case of Antonio West, we believe that justice will be served. Just because the murders were black does not mean BLACK PEOPLE will automatically would defend them. Wrong is wrong.

Q: Why didn’t you all protest this other case? (And usually they will bring up a different case where there was a black person that killed a white person or some other race, like the unfortunate killing of Antonio West, a 13 month old child, in Georgia.)

A: We cannot protest ever crime. That's unrealistic. So many people are protesting because they could have been Trayvon Martin. They feel empathetic to him and his family. My cousin and brother and nephew could have been Trayvon. And because blacks have such a negative stereotype within the media, it was easy to paint him (or any black man) as a criminal, even if they are not. That is why when George Zimmerman told the police in Sanford that it was self-defense, they automatically believed him without conducting an investigation.

If you feel that other crimes should have received more attention, then you should write to CNN, MSNBC and FOX. You should start a petition on change.org. You should organize a protest in your community, the same way we did for Trayvon. No one is stopping you from being proactive. Spread the word about the injustices involving any case. If you feel like another case deserves as much attention, exercise your right and do something about it. But why get mad at us for feeling strongly about this case and taking action? Why the negative responses? The truth of the matter is that you don’t really care about those other cases. You are just using them as pawns to prove a point. I had a Facebook friend post a story about Antonio West and she asked why no one was talking about that case. Well, Antonio was murdered in March. And when I scrolled down her timeline she has never posted anything thing about that child and his unfortunate murder (although she had 5 months to do so). And in that case, the murderers did not walk away free. It is sad that he died at such a young age. He was only 13 months old; an innocent child. It made me sick to my stomach. Black people can empathize with all races, not just our own. And I am happy the killers are behind bars, where they belong, no matter their race.

But if you really cared about those other cases you would be doing the same thing we are doing. So complaining about us is counterproductive, in my opinion. If you really care about those other cases, take action. No one is stopping you. Hell, we may even join you.

Q: Why do blacks always support other blacks no matter what?

A: Because we are a mindless pea brain race that can’t logically think and comprehensively process situations and we are genetically inclined to support one another no matter what. No… that was me being facetious. Actually, we can. And we don’t take up for every single black. Just like we all didn’t vote for Obama because he was black. Hard to believe… I know. (SN: I believe blacks have more of a loyalty to the Democratic Party than they do with black candidates, when dealing with politics. Meaning, they would vote democratic before they would vote for a black person running for office. Obama just happens to be the best of both worlds.) If someone does something wrong, most of the time we can accept it. We don’t protest in the streets for the black murderers but the murdered. Think of all the protest in history that moved a good portion of the black population. Most, if not all those protest where meaningful and helped the advancement of minorities in America. Education. The right to vote. 

And in this case, there were some protest with more white protesters (and other ethnicities) than blacks. Awkward! Right? (That’s me being facetious again.)

Q: Why do black people always cry out racism? Why do blacks practice reverse racism?

A: In my opinion, the term, ‘reverse racism’ is belittling. Racism is racism. No matter whom it comes from. Yes, blacks can be racist too. 

There may be some blacks that call foul unnecessarily. But this has nothing to do with the redundancies of racism in this nation or the lack-thereof. But in this case, we believe that racial profiling is why Trayvon is no longer with us. This case is bigger than Trayvon. This case is about saving our black men from people who only view them as criminals. This is about reminding them that they are loved. This is about saving them from themselves. This is showing them that if we believe you did nothing wrong; we will not let someone gun you down on the street and walk away with just a bloody nose and a scratch on his head.

Yes, blacks kill blacks every day. And those blacks are arrested. Again, this is about justice. It’s not about protecting black people if they did something wrong.

My question for the people who are so angry about our movement:

What I don't understand is why so many people want to degrade and belittle our hurt and anger. That's what is so scary about this. You may not agree with the protest and that's okay. This is not everyone's fight. But to belittle it shows the hate in your own heart. This is my fight, so if you are not with us, sit down. But you can’t escape this because the revolution is being televised.

If you really feel like other cases are not getting the attention they deserve then do something about it. Remember it is not white vs black. It's what we deem as right vs wrong. No one is stopping you from protesting against other cases that you may deem as unfair. Go for it. Hey, we may even join you.

 But don't pull cases out your ass and say 'hey, why is no one talking about his child who died?' When you know good and well you aren't talking about that child either and you are only using that case as a pawn to make a point. Now if you were fighting tooth and nail for a case to get media attention then you can use the case and ask those types of questions. But if not, I need you to step aside and watch us exercise our right to PROTEST.

2 Cents 2 Many

In my attempt to seek self liberation, I have decided to write about my journey to self acceptance. To some readers, self acceptance may not correlate with the title. However, it is all too apposite.

I am a people pleaser. I am passive aggressive. I lack satisfactory communication skills when facing conflict. And I give one damn too many in regards to what people think of me.

Conflict cripples me. I shut down. I shut out. And I get stuck in time. The world keeps revolving. Time keeps ticking. But I am stuck. I replay the situation over and over and over again. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. What could I have done differently? What could I have said differently? How could I have avoided the situation entirely? And then it starts to eat at me. I question myself. I question my relationships and then the depression kicks in.

Now with me, I have a tendency to go AWAL. I shut people out when I feel this way. Regardless if it makes the situation worse, it’s the only way I know how to handle it. I image what the person may think of me, and in my mind, their opinions start to define me. In my attempts to put an end to these mental breakdowns, I started asking myself questions. Why are you responding to the situation like this? And this is when ish started to get real. This required self awareness and I tried to analysis myself as I went through this episode of conflict.

I discovered that I react like this because I care too much about what people think… and this is due to lack of love and respect for myself. I shouldn’t need someone’s approval to live my life. I shouldn’t need to feel accepted by the people around me in order to accept myself. I try to please people. I want everyone to be happy with me, and at the end I always end up pissing someone off in the process. As my sister would say, ‘this is a vicious cycle’. However, it is to the point where I have lost touch with parts of me. I can see myself becoming more of what I think people want me to be. Now, discovering this about myself is only half of the battle. What can I do to fix this?

I can learn how to communicate. I can say how I feel and not ask for permission. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am 26 years old, and I have been taking care of myself for a long time. So, why do I need other peoples blessing in my life? Well, It is nice to have support and someone to stand by you, but at what cost?

In many situations I feel misunderstood. And we all have moments where our actions have been mistaken for something entirely antipode to what we intended. But in my world, this occurs to often in my case. And I have realized that this occurs because somewhere, I have missed a step in communication. It all can be a side effect of not being able to speak up for myself, or not knowing how to communicate in situations where I feel as if the person is expecting something from me outside of what I want to accomplish.


Dwelling about the situation would have to be my greatest down fall. When you play the situation over and over in your mind, you tend to over analyse. And majority of the time, your analysis of what triggered the other person will be incorrect.

THE CURE

So my first plan of action is to stop asking for permission. It’s my life.

People-pleasers often worry that after they say no, the fallout will be catastrophic. But as Newman said, “the fallout is never as bad as we think it is.” In fact, “it’s usually very insignificant.” Why? For starters, “people are not thinking about you as much as you think.” Usually after you say no, a person is more focused on who they’ll be asking next to help them than your so-called betrayal, she said. - 
MARGARITA TARTAKOVSKY

Second plan of action will be to be confident. Walk boldly. Talk boldly. Say what I mean and mean what I say. Words have meaning. And I want to be calculated with my speech. I don't want to leave any room for interpretation. I want to lay things out on the table (politely), no beating around the bush.

Third plan of action will be accepting the fact that I can’t please everybody and really stop trying to.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

– Bill Cosby 

"People-pleasers yearn for outside validation. Their ‘personal feeling of security and self-confidence is based on getting the approval of others,’ said Linda Tillman, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Atlanta, GA and assertiveness expert. Thus, at the core, people-pleasers lack confidence, she said. 

They worry how others will view them when they say no. “People don’t want to be seen as lazy, uncaring, selfish or totally egocentric,” Newman said. They fear “they’ll be disliked and cut from the group,” whether it’s friends, family or co-workers. "

- MARGARITA TARTAKOVSKY

And lastly, I will love myself. Although, this has never been my priority, it will be now. And I will fake it until I make it. If no one on this earth loves me, at least I will love myself.

So… with that being said… I am ready to live my life... if that's okay with you? LOL.

For do I now seek the favor of men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ. Galatioans 1:10

Recommended reading: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/21-tips-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser/all/1/