2 Cents 2 Many

In my attempt to seek self liberation, I have decided to write about my journey to self acceptance. To some readers, self acceptance may not correlate with the title. However, it is all too apposite.

I am a people pleaser. I am passive aggressive. I lack satisfactory communication skills when facing conflict. And I give one damn too many in regards to what people think of me.

Conflict cripples me. I shut down. I shut out. And I get stuck in time. The world keeps revolving. Time keeps ticking. But I am stuck. I replay the situation over and over and over again. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. What could I have done differently? What could I have said differently? How could I have avoided the situation entirely? And then it starts to eat at me. I question myself. I question my relationships and then the depression kicks in.

Now with me, I have a tendency to go AWAL. I shut people out when I feel this way. Regardless if it makes the situation worse, it’s the only way I know how to handle it. I image what the person may think of me, and in my mind, their opinions start to define me. In my attempts to put an end to these mental breakdowns, I started asking myself questions. Why are you responding to the situation like this? And this is when ish started to get real. This required self awareness and I tried to analysis myself as I went through this episode of conflict.

I discovered that I react like this because I care too much about what people think… and this is due to lack of love and respect for myself. I shouldn’t need someone’s approval to live my life. I shouldn’t need to feel accepted by the people around me in order to accept myself. I try to please people. I want everyone to be happy with me, and at the end I always end up pissing someone off in the process. As my sister would say, ‘this is a vicious cycle’. However, it is to the point where I have lost touch with parts of me. I can see myself becoming more of what I think people want me to be. Now, discovering this about myself is only half of the battle. What can I do to fix this?

I can learn how to communicate. I can say how I feel and not ask for permission. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am 26 years old, and I have been taking care of myself for a long time. So, why do I need other peoples blessing in my life? Well, It is nice to have support and someone to stand by you, but at what cost?

In many situations I feel misunderstood. And we all have moments where our actions have been mistaken for something entirely antipode to what we intended. But in my world, this occurs to often in my case. And I have realized that this occurs because somewhere, I have missed a step in communication. It all can be a side effect of not being able to speak up for myself, or not knowing how to communicate in situations where I feel as if the person is expecting something from me outside of what I want to accomplish.


Dwelling about the situation would have to be my greatest down fall. When you play the situation over and over in your mind, you tend to over analyse. And majority of the time, your analysis of what triggered the other person will be incorrect.

THE CURE

So my first plan of action is to stop asking for permission. It’s my life.

People-pleasers often worry that after they say no, the fallout will be catastrophic. But as Newman said, “the fallout is never as bad as we think it is.” In fact, “it’s usually very insignificant.” Why? For starters, “people are not thinking about you as much as you think.” Usually after you say no, a person is more focused on who they’ll be asking next to help them than your so-called betrayal, she said. - 
MARGARITA TARTAKOVSKY

Second plan of action will be to be confident. Walk boldly. Talk boldly. Say what I mean and mean what I say. Words have meaning. And I want to be calculated with my speech. I don't want to leave any room for interpretation. I want to lay things out on the table (politely), no beating around the bush.

Third plan of action will be accepting the fact that I can’t please everybody and really stop trying to.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

– Bill Cosby 

"People-pleasers yearn for outside validation. Their ‘personal feeling of security and self-confidence is based on getting the approval of others,’ said Linda Tillman, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Atlanta, GA and assertiveness expert. Thus, at the core, people-pleasers lack confidence, she said. 

They worry how others will view them when they say no. “People don’t want to be seen as lazy, uncaring, selfish or totally egocentric,” Newman said. They fear “they’ll be disliked and cut from the group,” whether it’s friends, family or co-workers. "

- MARGARITA TARTAKOVSKY

And lastly, I will love myself. Although, this has never been my priority, it will be now. And I will fake it until I make it. If no one on this earth loves me, at least I will love myself.

So… with that being said… I am ready to live my life... if that's okay with you? LOL.

For do I now seek the favor of men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ. Galatioans 1:10

Recommended reading: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/21-tips-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser/all/1/

Religion Without Sacrifice

 

One of the seven deadly sins: Religion without sacrifice. - Mahatma Ghandi

For most of my adult life, I have identified with Christianity. I would go to church when I could on Sunday's and prayed every now and then. Looking back at it, my life was really no different from any nonbeliever. I would do my dirt, and repent afterward and it was all good. I never really expected God to hold me accountable for my actions because it seemed to me that blessings would always come my way regardless of if I was doing right or wrong, because 'God knew my heart'.

Well, I got a huge wake up call. It started around the time I was graduating from college. I didn't have a job, nor did I have any acceptance letters from graduate schools and I didn't know what I was going to do. To make a long story laconic, I ended up living with my boyfriend after graduation. I knew it was wrong, no doubt about that, but I did it anyway. I assumed that God would forgive me because no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. I have come to realize that the phrase 'no one is perfect' is rightfully so, however, it is an excuse to avoid striving for perfection. [Be you therefore perfect, even as your Father who is in heaven is perfect. - Matthew 5:48]

During my time shacking up, I felt disconnected from God. I would pray, but I felt as if he wasn't listening. It seemed like everything I would attempt to achieve slipped right through my fingers. I felt alone and empty inside. During and before college, I managed to do whatever I wanted without feeling abandoned by God, but then I realized that I was getting older and God was holding me fully accountable for my actions now. [When I was a child, I spoke as a child; I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. - 1 Corinthians 3:11] Just as we grow older every year in age, we must also grow older in Christ. God was showing me that it wasn't about me professing Jesus, but about me possessing Jesus. To believe in God is not just to say it with your mouth but to show it with your actions.

Needless to say, after four months of unfavorable behavior, I decided to move out and it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I started to go to church more often and I felt convicted. I went to my boyfriend and told him that I didn't want to have premarital sex anymore and he was not on the same page [SURPRISE! SURPIRSE!] nor was he interested in seeking a relationship with God at that time. A month or so after that, we broke up. It was a very devastating break up because it happened at a time where I didn't have much going for myself. I graduated college but I couldn't find a job, I was living with my father in the middle of nowhere (Kissimmee, FL) away from all my friends and now I was broken hearted on top of that! It was overwhelming, but it needed to happen for my spiritual growth. I started going to church more and I began to read my bible everyday at home. I started to read scriptures I never even heard the pastor talk about. It was like a whole new world. My understanding of God began to grow immensely.

The importance of reading the bible is imperative for your sanctity. It is similar to being a doctor or an engineer. In order to work in these professions, you must read, review lectures, write papers, and study it. You must take test and advance. The same thing goes for Christianity. Jesus' life and story is captured in the bible. If you do not read the bible, how can you truly be a Christian? You have to know who Christ is and what he came on this earth to tell us. [For wisdom is a defense, and money is a defense: but the excellence of knowledge is, that wisdom gives life to them that have it. - Ecclesiastes 7:12] Reading the bible gives you the whole picture as to what God wants from your life and what God promises us as his children.

I am not an erudite Christian, nor am I the 'Crazy Christian' protesting in front of abortion clinics. Honestly, I just want to be a better Christian, and through my journey I learned that God's mercy is like car insurance. You go out and you insure your car with Geico to protect yourself and your car if you happen to get into an accident. Geico won't cover you if you intentionally cause a car crash. Car insurance only covers accidents. And the same thing goes for God's mercy. [Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man sows, that shall he also reap. - Galatians 6:7] Many times we sin and think that God will just forgive us. He will, if you are sincerely sorry (meaning, you are ready to change). Every sin we commit, we will pay for. God's mercy only covers sincere MISTAKES. And if you are doing the same sins over and over, it is not a mistake. It's what you intend to do.

The more I read the bible, the more I see what I need to change in my life. I recently discovered how much God despises someone with pride. Before, I only considered the 10 Commandments as what I needed to concentrate on but there is so much more. When studying the behavior of Jesus, you see the humility he had to endure, which was all of part of him being humble. People spitted in his face, falsely accused him of things, and even denied that he was the son of God. However, Jesus never mumbled a word, he never became defensive, nor did he hate the people who nailed him to the cross. Instead Jesus prayed for them. ['Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do'. - Luke 23:34] In order to get to this point we need to sacrifice our own desires. A sacrifice could be as simple as holding your tongue when you want to say something rude or retaliate against someone attacking you. Your sacrifice could be making a pledge not to have premarital sex or vowing not to curse anymore.

Would you be able to say sorry even if you felt you did nothing wrong? Or not lash out at someone who has lashed out on you? [A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1] These are sacrifices that we have to make. So pick up your cross.

As aforementioned, being a Christian isn't just about professing Jesus but possessing him in your heart and showing you love him. How do you show God that you love him? [If you love me, keep my commandments. - John 14:15] You show God you love him by denying yourself. So many things that we see going on in the world, goes against what the bible says. Getting drunk, swearing, disrespecting elders, revealing your body, getting tattoos, having a love for money, and the list goes on. In order to severe God you have to make sacrifices. If you don't make sacrifices, what is the difference between you and any nonbeliever?

God is a good God, and he is also a merciful God, but we must remember that God favor's no man, however he favors our actions. [For there is no partiality with God. For all who have sinned apart from the law will also perish apart from the law, and all who have sinned under the law will be judged by the law. For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous before God, but those who do the law will be declared righteous. - Romans 2:11-13] So next time you say you are blessed and highly favored, ask yourself 'Are my actions favorable?'. We should strive to be like Christ and we should know that God will hold us accountable for our actions. There is no religion without sacrifice.

I am not perfect by a long shot. My ultimate goal is to seek perfection and every day I am striving to get closer and closer to that. But we have to be real with ourselves now that we are getting older. God has expectations for us.

Recommended reading: Ecclesiastes 2

To All My Single Ladies

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." - Sex in the City







The obstacles we face day to day.


It’s single awareness season. You can’t run from it, because it’s all over your newsfeed. Everyday friends are posting new pictures of their coupledom, and changing their relationship to engaged or married. And some are even giving birth to little adorable babies… meanwhile, back at the ranch, I…. well…. I am enjoying the single life. [Blank stare]


With all the love in the air, it kind of makes it hard for single women to breathe. I could be patient and wait for that day when I will be in a committed relationship, but its getting a little harder to put these feelings on a backburner because you’re home girls are dropping like flies. If everyone is married or having babies, where will that leave me in a couple years? Well, in order not to get depressed I decided to write about it. I decided to turn my Idiotic Asylum into a haven for the single, the bitter, the stir crazy and the I-don’t-need-a-man-because-I’m--An-Independent-Woman women. This is my journey and you may be able to relate or you may not. But hopefully you will gain something as I discuss things that many women are trying to overcome.


First up… INSECURITIES. My biggest insecurity is my butt. I look at it in the mirror and I curse it. If only my butt were bigger, I would have a man by now! I know it sounds crazy, but this happens when I am looking for something to blame. Well, maybe it’s my walk. I should try to walk sexier. Or maybe it’s my hair; a lot of guys don’t like girls that wear weave. Or maybe I should lose weight. Or maybe it’s my skin tone! You know light skin isn’t ‘in’ anymore!


I have come to the realization that I am single because I just haven’t met the right person yet. I try to find physical flaws about my self and pin point that as the reason. When in all actuality, none of these things matter. I see my friends getting married and I ask myself ‘what’s wrong with me’? But I truly believe that it's simply due to the fact that I haven’t met my match yet. If my flaws were the reason why I am single, then no one would be married because we all are FLAWED.


We all have a potential mate out there. Even if you have a face that only a mother could love. I know I am not the only one who does this, but when you are out you may see a girl who looks busted, and I mean tore up from the floor up, and she has a man! So, then you ask yourself ‘How does she have a man and I don’t?’ It’s because there is someone out here for everyone. Pretty, not so pretty, tall, small, big, fat; there is someone out there for you. So this is why we shouldn’t beat ourselves up, obsessing about our blemishes. Because the right guy for you is going to love you and your blemishes.


What I am trying to belabor is, as single women, we should practice having confidence; remembering that confidence and arrogance are two different things. Know who you are, love who you are and accept who you are.


There are no rules to love. If someone wants you, they want you. You don’t have to do back flips, and you don’t have to study Steve Harvey’s book 'Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man'. You just have to be yourself (while working on being a better YOU each day). Not only that, but you must also know when a guy is just not that into you and learn how to let it go! (And sometimes, we learn the hard way.)


Then there is ‘the place to meet hot guys’ and I have been there. I have been to the happy hours, the clubs, the house parties, meet ups, volunteering, lunch dates... you name it. And I still haven’t met the right person. I do believe it’s important to put yourself out there but I also believe that it will come when you least expect it. Strategically placing yourself in certain environments may increase your chances of meeting someone but ultimately it will happen when it’s meant to happen. You can’t force it to happen. It may take a week, or it may take years, all you can do is wait. And while you’re waiting, I would recommend dating, but just don’t settle.


The older I get, this saying seems to become more and more apposite. ‘Men are like parking spots... All the good ones are taken’. It does seem like all the good ones are taken. And when I say good ones I am referring to the overall GOOD GUY, including looks, ambition, finances, and personality. You can be a great guy but if I am not attracted to you we can’t take anything to the next level. I don’t want to come off as being shallow. Trust, I have dated my share of unattractive guys. And if I am going through this dating process, I would prefer it to be with someone I enjoy looking at. And what I would consider attractive may not be what others consider attractive. At the end, it’s all about what you like as an individual.


And please, take heed to the advice given from your friends. I am sick and tired of my friends giving me dating advice telling me to go after what I want and approach the guy. NO! Why would I do something that is completely out of my character? If you are a girl that doesn’t mind approaching a guy, to each his own. I don’t mind giving a guy hints, or making the first move (i.e. starting a conversation) but I won’t pursue a guy. I would much rather date a guy who pursues me, that is what I like and that’s what I expect from a guy. To be the aggressor.


You can't take advice from all your friends. Do you have that friend who always tells you what she would do if she was in your situation, but she wouldn’t practice what she preached? ‘Girl…. If that was my man, I would have left him a long time ago!’ But she will be the same person who gets beat, cheated on and lied to, and won’t leave her own man… Yeah, don’t listen to girls like her.


Also, don’t let your friends make you feel bad for wanting to be in a relationship. It’s natural to want a companion. And to suppress your feelings isn’t going to necessarily change how you feel. However, I wouldn’t want it to consume you either. Life goes on, whether you have a man or not.


There are many other obstacles that come up when dating other than physical and personality, such as income, spiritual beliefs, distance, age. It’s just a matter of all the pieces fitting nicely in the puzzle. You can’t force it. I believe in letting love find you.