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Monday, February 23, 2015

The Great Wall

“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in.”

― Shannon L. Alder 

My manager was telling my team and I that his daughter is super feisty. He talked about how his daughter fights back whenever he or his wife tries to discipline her. And then he looks at me and says “She reminds me a lot of you”.  I guess that is a good thing... that I remind him of his daughter.. even if it's only because I am feisty. 

I am a lot of things. And who I am, has been some wonderful combination of genetics and my environment. I can be hard to handle. Hard to read. Hard to deal with. But most of it is what I pretend to be. There is so much more that comes with behavior... a back story that others often know nothing about. The reason why I am the way I am and why I respond the way I respond. I am sure you have a story too. We all do. 

Oh yes, I am a feisty one. I think it’s from me growing up a bit isolated and not really understanding social norms. Not to mention I was relentlessly bullied as a child in elementary and middle school. I had no friends in elementary until 4th grade. My older sister tormented me at home. I truly felt worthless and alone. What was the point of living a life where you were constantly being bullied? I was broken and my mother couldn't even see it. So, now, when I am interacting with motherfuckers on a daily basis, my childhood is the only thing I can think of as to why I am so defensive now. 

Sometimes, it isn't as simple as 1, 2, 3. Sometimes we look at people and we think we know what makes them tick. What drives them. What keeps them going. We see someone respond a certain way and we think we have an idea as to why. But we really don't. Unless we live in that persons brain, we really have no idea why he or she may react or behave the way he/she does. And that is the point I want to get across... I know this sounds cliché but I honestly feel like I am misunderstood, I know many of us are.

 I’m enigmatic, for sure. I can tell why I am hard to decipher. But I really don’t mean any harm. I have my own internal shit that I battle on a daily basis. I have my own demons dancing in my brain. Every day I am trying not to jump off the 13th floor.

There are times, when I want to be excited. I want to be happy. But something inside me stops me from smiling. Something inside of me tells me to not get so excited because I don’t want to get hurt. Because I didn’t want to look stupid at the end. It makes absolutely no sense at all. But that inner voice wins most of the time. This holiday season my grandmother came to stay with me for a month. During that month, I probably hugged her twice. I wanted to hug her, but something told me not to. So I just told myself that I would hug her before she left. And the day she got on her flight, I didn’t get a chance to hug her. Now, I am thinking “what if that was my last chance to hug my grandmother?” Why didn’t I just fucking hug her while she was at my house? Why was it hard for me to show affection to my own grandmother? What was I afraid of?

You see… this is shit that goes on in my brain. When I have friends or family visit me I try not to get excited because I don’t want to go from a very emotional high to an emotional low. I start thinking about shit that is irrelevant. Like, what if we argue on this trip? What if this person gets mad at me? So I try to numb myself before it happens. I get stressed easily and then I shut down. If only you could live inside my mind for a day. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

What you see on the outside, usually is different from what is going on internally. While I am an emotional person and very expressive about my emotions, there are some things that shut me down and it’s hard for me to step out of that. Yes, I am feisty. But most of the time it’s just me trying to protect myself. I constant have my guard up and I don’t know why, exactly. I am working on it.

1 comment:

  1. Wow Shelley, that was real deep...

    Horrified to hear about u trying to take your life and i am really glad it didnt happen..

    In life we get thrown catch phrases at times like "live for the moment" "grab life by the horns" "cherish every moment" and so on and so forth, they make it sound so easy but it not necassarily is for everyone. I can totally relate to the story of your grandmom because iv had a similar situation happen to me....

    I see my sisters n friends hug n kiss each other and their babies and deep inside me i want to do same but something tells me i shoudnt, i wont look cool or its when i do mine it would seem out of place, people would laugh or "youre not just that girl"... its crazy!

    But i started to figure that i have only one life to live, Y.O.L.O!! cliche, true but still we get to walk down this road of life just once so im trying to defeat those negative thoughts and become more loving, less guarded, more open and more free.. I really like this post cos i know it aint easy... i wish u the best in conquering those voices in your mind...


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